Friday, January 4, 2013

Sad, Sad Pajama Pants

If her pants ripped any higher, Paige knew she'd have to coax the ferret she wore in to desperately throw itself over her North and South. Divide and conquer, my friend.
Morning Readers,

They say the key to a great marriage is remembering to wear cute bed things every now and then. So, for the life of me, I can't figure out why this thing is still going strong. Seriously. Now, before you go and get all riled up, remember I said, "now and then." In Husband's case, I'm absolutely sure he's been left with no other choice than believing I buy my pajamas whenever the circus comes through town and makes a donation to Goodwill.

Which is, of course, ridiculous to the eightieth degree. The finer things I own have been knit out of dying hemp plants, by blind monkeys who took one knitting class from a Youtube video. And they're very, very drunk monkeys because no one would want that job except a blind, drunk monkey. Or Lindsay Lohan. I hear she's looking for work.

Over the past three years, Husband's been treated to variations on a theme:

Boxer shorts with ratty t-shirt

Ratty t-shirt with stretched-out yoga pants

Stretched-out yoga pants with ratty tank top

Ratty tank top with decrepit boxer shorts

Stumbling on my post-partum form rooting through the fridge at 2am, in granny panties and seven-year-old sports bra that used to say, "Yeah, Exercise!" and now says, "Meh."

Ratty shorts with maternity swimsuit top I fell asleep in

Maternity swim top with swim bottoms I fell asleep in

Maternity swim bottoms, nothing else, sitting bolt upright in the dead of night and yelling, "Sweet Baby James, has anyone seen my child? The baby pool? Oh." And passing back out again.

I mention it today, only because things have started getting out of hand. The pants I wear now are some of my favorites. A gift from my mother-in-law when the twins were born, I've utilized these delicately printed flower beauties more times than can be counted ...and they're starting to rip.

"Just another day," I coax.

"But we're ripped at the ankles."

"You can do it."

"You're snowy white calf is hanging out. We look like a pair of chaps."

"Shh, ignore it."

"We want to retire, not be a loincloth."

I pat them softly. "It'll all be over soon. When you're a headband."

Letting go is just so hard, and I know I'm not alone in this. The one person I feel sorry for is Husband. At this point, I'm sure I should invest in something cute, but then the mystery of what hideous thing I'm going to wear would be lost. And every marriage needs mystery, and swimsuit bottoms, and headbands.

Until Next Time, Readers!












Until Next Time, Readers!

42 comments:

  1. I bought my mom three new pairs of pajama pants for Christmas as I was tired of listening to her talk about how the ass was ripped out of all of them (leaving me with a scarring mental image.) It's not that she's too poor to buy her own, but that she's somehow attached to those rags.

    However, in purchasing said PJ pants for the mothership, I neglected to pick up another pair for myself...I'm kind of attached to the pair that is frayed at the seams. Bringing sexy back, baby!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I wondered about a pair my mom was attached to as well. Now I know, and my pants and I will never part, until they fall apart. It's a new kind of sexy. A frayed kind of sexy. A sexy that says, "I miiiiight shower today, but probably not."

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  2. You just described my wardrobe around the house and even sometimes out of the house. Yup, my former self would be ashamed of me, lol!!

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    1. When I can get away with it, I'll wear an old pair of hospital pants I got at Goodwill, out to run errands. Strangely, no one ever asks me if I'm a real doctor.

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  3. HA HA HA!! So totally awesome! And I related to every single word! :)

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    1. We all have our frayed secret we keep to ourselves...;)

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  4. Everyone has comfy clothes. I'm wearing faded grey sweat pants and a hoody as I write this and when my wife gets home from work off will come the business suit and on will go the purple, fluffy slippers, pyjama bottoms, t-shirt and the fluffy white dressing own with coloured polka dots I got her for Christmas.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Grey sweatpants are a guy's equivalent to ratty, flowered pajamas. Husband has a pair that he'll never give away, ever. Btw, purple, fluffy slippers sound divine.

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  5. I, along with my 10 year old pajama pants emblazoned with sunglass-wearing penguins, join you in your shame. And yes I'm wearing them as I type this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 20 points for sun glass-wearing penguins! I strongly believe almost everyone does their blog interaction in their worn-out pajamas. It's not the prom on this blog, ladies and gents.

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  6. I have now stolen my teenage boys' PJ pants. Sponge Bob rocks!!!

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  7. The pajama pants I wore to bed last night were more than likely purchased about 5 years prior to the birth of my 15 year old daughter. My right hip hangs completely out, the waistband is frayed and yet, they are some of the most comfortable PJ's I've ever owned. It's hard to believe we actually had a second child after he saw me in those pants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree more, Teri. How we've made it to baby number three, I'll never know. Husband's got a strong constitution. That's all I can figure. Or he secretly loves pajama pants missing their cuffs. The world may never know.

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  8. I like to top my pajamas with a sweater that's older than my oldest (who is 21) instead of a bathrobe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sweaters are, indeed, the best. I tend to gravitate towards my leopard-print robe, but a nice, worn-in sweater is hard to beat.

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  9. The world is grateful that you didn't include pictures!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You forget that I have your email address, Fishducky. Keep a lookout!

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  10. I'm thinking your hubby is liking the peek-a-boo version of the pajamas even better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think he'll like these pants a lot better when they fray in select spots. Right now, I think he's terrified of the ultra-white, unshaven calf peaking out. Poor man.

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  11. I subject my poor husband to the ratty t-shirt and pants, too. I do have some "finer" things somewhere in the back of my closet befriending some dust bunnies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. he dust bunnies need friends too, Shanna. You hold on tight to that ratty t-shirt.

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  12. I wear mostly pajamas all the time since I feel they really do translate well from day to night. The conversation with your pants made my night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like I have more dialogue with my pajamas than people, sometimes. And, yes, pajamas that translate from day to night to night to day, and back again, are my absolute favorite.

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  13. I found a picture of me circa 1998 in a pair of gray sweat pants...that I still own. And wear. Saggy ass doesn't even begin to cover it. They are so stretched out that they touch me NO WHERE. Oh, how I love them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It takes years of work to achieve that worn-in feel. Wear them proudly, my friend. 1998 was a great year.

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  14. I will never give up my Betty Boop pj's....NEVER I SAID! And you can't make me. Oh, Hola Paige! ;)

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    Replies
    1. Hola, Mayra! Don't you dare give those up. You can't just go out and buy that type of comfort.

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  15. During the winter, Hubby says I wear I snowsuit to bed. Cute, shmoot. When I sleep I want to be comfortable and warm. Don't you get rid of those pajama pants yet, Paige!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Warmth is of the utmost importance to me. I can't get enough sweats and blankets. And Husband like to turn the ceiling fan on. Freezing, I tell you!

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  16. I have a pair of reversible shorts from high school that I shrill wear to bed. That was 20+ years ago. The elastic is shot, the inner and outer cloth have begun separating and they're practically sheer. I think I wear them for nostalgia sake as well as being able to say that I can still fit my big butt into something I wore in HS. My husband has purchased new matching PJ's for me. I lost them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing better than having something from highschool you can still fit into. Never give up. Never surrender. Never let those faded, separating beauties fall by the wayside.

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  17. Paige, I think your husband is probably the luckiest guy ever. Variety is the spice of life. So sad about your pajama pants, but sounds like you got an amazing repertoire to pull from when their demise is official.

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    1. I think he is too, Meredith. He gets to curl up next to an array of yoga pants, every night, What's not to love?

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  18. You just described my entire wardrobe - I feel so naked! Oh wait, I practically am. But *not* in the sexy way. In the, "Excuse me, ma'am, but whatever that is, I don't think it's supposed to be showing" way.

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    Replies
    1. I get that a lot, my friend. "Mam, this is Target, not Walmart. Kindly put something on over your hosiery."

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  19. I'm at the dentist. And laughing my ass off. Now they're casually checking their laughing gas supply to make sure I didn't help myself. Again. Thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laughing gas and some worn-out pajamas sound like fantastic combination....;)Thanks, Tara!

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  20. Hubs always threatens to throw out my Camp Beverly Hills sweatshirt from 8th grade that I still wear to bed sometimes.
    Yes, 8th grade.
    But I love that soft, raggedy sweatshirt and he will have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
    It looks especially fetching with my oldest, most faded yoga pants.
    I'm bringing sexy back, yo.

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    Replies
    1. That's the attitude I'm looking for. They'll never take our sweatpants alive! ...or something like that. And ten billion extra points for holding on to that awesome sweatshirt for so long.

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