Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Last of the Tax Enthusiasts

"No, Howard. We can't write your liver off as a dependent. Just lay off the booze."
Morning Readers,

I'm glad you stopped in. The only person more glad to see you is the pumpkin cream cheese I've been harassing all morning.

"Leave me alone," it whispers.

"Never," I shout. "Now, get on this bagel.

"No."

"Listen, you either get on this bagel or I finish you off with my hands. I think we can all agree the bagel is more civilized."

Stubbornness aside, pumpkin cream cheese acts today as a medium for the pure joy I feel about finishing my taxes yesterday. If you haven't even thought about W-2s or 1098s yet, fear not. Conversations with others confirm I'm a freak of nature. For, around December 31st, my innards are mixed with both the leftover high from Christmas, but also an itchy anticipation* of things to come.

*Itchiness after Christmas may signal a chocolate Santa overdose.

On January 1st, I sneak to the mailbox and peer inside. This is merely a formality akin to letting the ground hog see his shadow. I know there won't be any tax forms there, but the neighbor's have come to expect me hovering over that little door, seeing nothing, then scurrying my pajamas back into the house, subsequently declaring eight more years of not sweeping the leaves off our porch.

On January 2nd, I set up camp on the driveway and wait. If that happens to fall on a Sunday, I brave the cold night and sit patiently anticipating the mailman's arrival the next business day.

On January 3rd, I generally begin the inquisition:

"Hello, mailman. Any tax forms for me today?"

"Nothing today."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Don't lie to me, mailman."

"Mam, there's nothing. And those pajama pants almost look like chaps. You should throw those away."

"Maybe you should watch your talk hole and take another gander in that there canvas bag of yours."

When my forms finally arrive, and all verbal harassment suits have been settled with the post office, I skip merrily to the computer, and fill in boxes like it's my thirty-third, unpaid job around this place.

Would I like money back from the government?
Yes I would.
Any chance I would not like this money?
No, there is no chance.
Would you like these funds delivered in giant check form to your doorstep?
Yes.
Balloons?
Absolutely.

Some call me "overzealous" because I have until April to file my return. But the sad fact of the matter is you can't buy two tons of pumpkin cream cheese in February, if you don't have the funds.

Until Next Time, Readers!



25 comments:

  1. Will you do my taxes too? I'll throw in a bagel with Pumpkin Cream Cheese (no coaxing involved).

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    1. Done. For a glass of milk I'll even route your refund to a convenient bank account created by me.

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  2. I've never tried pumpkin cream cheese. I'd probably like it. I tried paying taxes once. I didn't like it!!

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    1. I have to say, pumpkin cream cheese is a little bit more fun than trying to figure out what allocation means.

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  3. Yup, I highly anticipate that refund too and LOVE doing the taxes to get it. I actually do just love doing taxes, as I am an accountant, but the ones that come with a refund check for me are my favorite!

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    1. Seeing the refund calculate itself does present certain sort of high, doesn't it? I'd never make it as an accountant, but just let me at some really simple fill-in-the-blank software, any time.

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  4. Paige, the truth is, I love your blog like way way way more than I should. Like way more than pumpkin cream cheese and giant, balloon-accompanied tax refund checks! Just wanted to thank you for all the laughs. Seriously. You're hilarious. Just know that :)

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    1. You go ahead and love this blog as much as you want, Jen. I won't stop ya. The fact you could love it more than pumpkin cream cheese makes my heart soar.

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  5. OH BABY!!! I'm with you!! Mine are all done and were waiting to be filed... which is today!!! Thanks for reminding me...

    Tax refund here I come. :)

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    1. I practically shook with excitement with I got the "IRS ACCEPTED YOUR RETURN" email today, Juli. Shook, I tell you.

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  6. I have never experienced pumpkin cream cheese but considering how much I love bagels and balloons and free money I think I might be a convert. Where does one buy this fancy schmear... that is the real question.

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    1. They had it on sale at the grocery store. I think it's Philadelphia and probably seasonal ...which is why I must buy a case of it. So good.

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  7. Must try pumpkin cream cheese....like today. <3 Devan

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    1. You won't regret it. I can promise you that.

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  8. I live for getting my tax stuff done so that I can spend that big refund. Except we haven't gotten a big refund for awhile now. :( Maybe I'll hang out by your mailbox and schmooze your mailman so that he'll give me yours??

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    1. How bout I send extra cream cheese to ease the blow this year?..:)

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  9. I still have to do ours and just like you they would be done if I wasn't still waiting on two more documents. I just want the money to pay off a few bills, but pumpkin cream cheese now sounds so damn appealing, lol!! Thanks :)

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    1. That's the thing I love the most, paying off debt. I get a surge of adrenaline when I see "zero balance" on any of our accounts. And you're quite welcome!

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  10. LOL. Dare I admit I'm the same way? If all we have is peanuts, I want all the peanuts. And I want them now.

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    1. Exactly. Don't stand in the way of this elephant and her peanuts. She throws cream cheese.

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  11. I'm so glad the dust has settled with you and the Post Office. But I share your enthusiasm for tax time. Nothin' better than getting my money back where it belongs: at Target.

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    1. Target is the land of, "I never knew I needed all thirty of these extra items, but we might not make it if we don't buy all of it." I feel ya.

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  12. Congratulations on making a tax return entertaining. and does pumpkin cream cheese actually contain pumpkins.

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    1. I's probably something like, "Extract of Pumpkin-like vegetable-fruit", but it's still awesome.

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  13. I used to hold the same wonderful sentiments about taxes that you currently do...but that was when I was single and still living in the same country as the IRS. Now it is a nightmare that I dread as they take nothing and give nothing but still make me fill out all sorts of nasty extra forms for overseas earnings and the husband's student loans. Just reading the word 'taxes' was enough to send my anxiety through the roof and my sweat glands to start pumping!

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