Wednesday, January 23, 2013

You Can't Reason, When It Comes to Poop

"Hmm, I could potty train the kids or file my nails. And, unfortunately, nails don't file themselves."

Morning Readers,

     It's no secret the twins have been a little difficult lately. Mainly because, on Monday, I wrote about their atrocious behavior and put it on the internet. Luckily, many of you have reassured me that Butch and Sundance are like many other toddlers wandering the earth right now ....adorable yet horrible people.

    Ahh, but nature is a cruel thing, and, just as the toddler develops an offensive personality and penchant for only wearing a diaper and cowboy boots in winter, he or she also needs to be potty trained. As so, Husband and I have found ourselves at a crossroads, needing to pick between one of two equations:

a.) Horrible behavior + potty training = Twins for sale on eBay (or is Pinterest more acceptable? ...an Esty shop? Hmm, we could sweeten the deal with throw pillows or hand-knit afghans.)

b.) Horrible behavior + potty training + alcohol = We let them keep living here.

Potty training has been nothing short of horrific. Normally, I love coating everything in sugar, but this situation isn't a chocolate glazed, icing-filled cake doughnut, this is real life. This is stress. This is poop.

I hate poop. And the twins don't want to do any of it in a toilet. This has lead to subsequent rationalization on mine and Husband's part...

Scenario 1.)

"Did they go?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I got busy feeding the baby and they hid in that storage bin."

"Why would anyone poop in a storage bin? I've never done that in a storage bin. Have you?"

"Only on leap years."

"Our children are animals. I'll get the dust pan and a bag."

Scenario 2.)

"Are they on the potty?"

"Yeah."

"How's it going?"

"Sundance is screaming at me, and Butch is crying."

"Oh."

"There's so much screaming. Why are they hysterical?"

"I'll call the church. I know we had them baptized, but maybe the first one didn't take. Hold please."

Scenario 3.)

"Any poop yet?"

"No."

"They haven't gone all day."

"I know."

"At least you can't die of constipation ...or can you?"

"I'm not sure, but  I heard I had a third cousin once who spontaneously combusted. That's why our family tree is lopsided on the left branches."

"You think they'll explode?"

"It's hard to say."

Why is it so hard to get a toddler to use the bathroom? Probably the same reason unicorns love trail mix; the world may never know. But, one thing I'm sure of, we'll have them trained by their birthday.

...They're twelfth birthday.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for a call back from that exorcist.

Until Next time, Readers!

27 comments:

  1. My kids would NOT poop on the potty ever, and then my SiL taught me a trick that I'll email you if you want....I don't think some moms would like it, but I was desperate!

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    1. Email me, now. I need all the help I can get. Seriously. And you've done this a few times now, so I request your wisdom.

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  2. Apparently, you can now buy a potty training toilet that comes with a stand that allows children to play with an iPad while on the pot.
    And all I got was special bathroom Legos.

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    1. Ha! One of my friends just did a blog post on how ridiculous that is. Legend has it that I potty trained myself while my mom was in the hospital, but I know the rest of my brothers and sisters maybe got a book to help things along?

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  3. My kids are ALL potty trained! Of course, they're all in their 50's now (& I'm in a rest home)!

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    1. But, don't you sleep better at night, knowing that, in the morning, you won't have to wake up and change one of them? Glorious, I tell you!...:)

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  4. AWESOME. I tried and tried... and as soon as I gave up, they did it on their own.

    Wish I had known that before I hit my head into the wall...

    OH... and Oldest is 12 and Youngest is almost 11, so it may not take as long as you think.

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    1. Eleven? Juli, you just gave me hope I didn't know existed.

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  5. Lucky #12! This is hilarious. My toddler is also simultaneously adorable and horrible. How fun that you get to double your pleasure. I knew that potty training was going to be awful, but this just sealed the deal. Costco diapers for life! Excuse me sir...do you have these in a size 24?...

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    1. If there was a size 24, I'd feel ten times better about the situation. I hate buying diapers, but there's a certain charm to not having to drag a kid to the bathroom, kicking and screaming.

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  6. My daughter is two and a half and I haven't even attempted potty training yet. Her will seems too strong...

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    1. The twins a little over two and a half. If I had half their will, I'd be dieting successfully right now. Stubborn babies. Hang in there....:)

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  7. Take away the diapers during the day, feed them then place them on the potty within 15mins. If all else fails and they hide & poop pick it up put it in the potty, place them on the potty then act like they went an make a BIG stink out of it. Fake it until you make it!!! Hang in there!!

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    1. That's as good a plan I've come across so far. I'm up for anything. The hiding and pooping is getting really old. I shall indeed fake it until I make it ...or completely lose my mind. I need a drink just thinking about it.

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  8. I'm with fishducky. All my kids were late bloomers in the poop-in-the-potty department, but none of them have gone off to college unable to make a stinky in the toilet. Don't give up.

    Sharon

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  9. I somehow made it through potty training without being committed. It was touch and go at times, but I did it. I also decided during potty training my 2nd that, although we contimplated having a 3rd child, we would be a family of 4.

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  10. This is hysterical! Only because I'm in the thick of potty training twins too because I couldn't put it off any longer....they're three after all. Alcohol helps. You, not them...although.....

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  11. I loved this and could so relate. I potty trained my two girls in less than 2 years (16 months apart) and know you know why my hair is grayer that ever. Seriously, I never want to have to potty train again, thus the reason I make sure to take my birth control pill at the same time everyday and do the sign of the cross at the same time, lol!! Ok, that was a bit of sarcastic humor, but you get the point!!

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  12. I could give you a million anecdotes, but I'll just wish you luck. It seems like forever now, but in a blink they'll be leaving home.

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  13. Praying for you. My best friend's daughter flat out TOLD her, I'm not pooping on the potty til I'm 4. She'd send her to school with extra panties, the kid would poop in the corner in her panties and they send the dirty panties home everyday in a plastic bag. AT the girl's 4th birthday party, she went into the bathroom and was in there for about 9 hours. Came out and proudly announced that she had, in fact, pooped on the potty.

    In a nutshell, they'll do it when they're damned good and ready.

    Until then, I'll pray for you.

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  14. Oh this sucks. SO BAD. I just went through this with my boy toddler and wanted to take the bridge more than once. My only (unsolicited) advice: hit'em where it hurts. My kid hated being dirty so I forced him to walk around pants-less and the first time he "dirtied" and it was just sitting there looking him in the face like, "You've done this," he was sold. Rise up and POTTY!!

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  15. Potty training. Do they have training camps for this like they do for dogs? Just when you give up, it'll be there like magic. Or was that what they said about getting pregnant?

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  16. "I'm not sure, but I heard I had a third cousin once who spontaneously combusted. That's why our family tree is lopsided on the left branches."

    Good Lord, Paige. You make me hurt myself from laughing.

    As for the potty training ... well ... Godspeed, woman. Godspeed.

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  17. Tonight, my husband tried to start potty training the baby, because she's constipated. What, you don't see the logic in that? Damn, I was hoping you would, 'cause I got nothin'.

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  18. I'm going to make you hate me by saying that my 2nd daughter potty trained herself over 1 short weekend in the summer when she was 2 and a half. Even her preschool teacher didn't believe it when I showed up on Monday with underwear instead of pull-ups, but when that child has made up her mind there is no turning back. My first I was lazy, and having only 1 child, was content to wait until she turned 3, at which point it was a breeze because she was fully ready.

    I know it seems like the thing to do to make your life easier, but trust me it doesn't. Once they are in underwear they will still have frequent accidents; you will not be able to leave the house for small people frantically needing to use the potty because they don't realize they need to go until 2 seconds before urine starts streaming down their legs; and they won't have the dexterity to wipe their own bottoms until age 4 at the earliest. The idea that having potty trained toddlers is easier than diaper-wearing toddlers is pure myth.

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  19. My youngest is now 2 yrs. 3 mos. She has done the best at telling me when she needs to go and holding it until we get there (or going on the grass at the park, or using public toilets). She's in panties all day, even for outings. I still put a diaper on her for nap and of course night.
    But the poop is a whole other story. She was going in the potty well a few months before her second birthday, but then she got a serious tummy bug, the kind that gives you runs you can't control. I'll leave to your imagination how awful that was. I had to put her back in diapers since she couldn't manage to let me know in time. Once when she did make it to the potty, she refused to sit, and the explosion not only filled the potty but covered the wall as well. Eek, gag. Poor baby.
    Anyway, after that, she regressed and we pretty much had to start from square one. She seems to prefer to poop in her panties, even though I remind her daily to tell me when she has to go. She also went through a phase when she would only go in the middle of the night. I'm happy that one is over!
    And night training will wait for at least another year.

    P.S. I've written posts on what I did for training with my elder two. If you're interested you can find them here. Scroll down until you find the potty training topic. http://dayslifedreams.wordpress.com/mommy-to-mommy-2/tips-for-new-moms/

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  20. Poop got so bad with a friend and her 4 yr old who had never gone anywhere but her diaper that she finally offered up a new dog for mastering the toilet. So now the kid is trained but the dog is pooping all over the house. Fare thee well.

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