Wednesday, January 23, 2013

You Can't Reason, When It Comes to Poop

"Hmm, I could potty train the kids or file my nails. And, unfortunately, nails don't file themselves."

Morning Readers,

     It's no secret the twins have been a little difficult lately. Mainly because, on Monday, I wrote about their atrocious behavior and put it on the internet. Luckily, many of you have reassured me that Butch and Sundance are like many other toddlers wandering the earth right now ....adorable yet horrible people.

    Ahh, but nature is a cruel thing, and, just as the toddler develops an offensive personality and penchant for only wearing a diaper and cowboy boots in winter, he or she also needs to be potty trained. As so, Husband and I have found ourselves at a crossroads, needing to pick between one of two equations:

a.) Horrible behavior + potty training = Twins for sale on eBay (or is Pinterest more acceptable? ...an Esty shop? Hmm, we could sweeten the deal with throw pillows or hand-knit afghans.)

b.) Horrible behavior + potty training + alcohol = We let them keep living here.

Potty training has been nothing short of horrific. Normally, I love coating everything in sugar, but this situation isn't a chocolate glazed, icing-filled cake doughnut, this is real life. This is stress. This is poop.

I hate poop. And the twins don't want to do any of it in a toilet. This has lead to subsequent rationalization on mine and Husband's part...

Scenario 1.)

"Did they go?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I got busy feeding the baby and they hid in that storage bin."

"Why would anyone poop in a storage bin? I've never done that in a storage bin. Have you?"

"Only on leap years."

"Our children are animals. I'll get the dust pan and a bag."

Scenario 2.)

"Are they on the potty?"

"Yeah."

"How's it going?"

"Sundance is screaming at me, and Butch is crying."

"Oh."

"There's so much screaming. Why are they hysterical?"

"I'll call the church. I know we had them baptized, but maybe the first one didn't take. Hold please."

Scenario 3.)

"Any poop yet?"

"No."

"They haven't gone all day."

"I know."

"At least you can't die of constipation ...or can you?"

"I'm not sure, but  I heard I had a third cousin once who spontaneously combusted. That's why our family tree is lopsided on the left branches."

"You think they'll explode?"

"It's hard to say."

Why is it so hard to get a toddler to use the bathroom? Probably the same reason unicorns love trail mix; the world may never know. But, one thing I'm sure of, we'll have them trained by their birthday.

...They're twelfth birthday.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for a call back from that exorcist.

Until Next time, Readers!