Wednesday, February 27, 2013

And Now, An Exclusive Interview With Sundance Kellerman

I bring out the big hat for the big interviews.

Afternoon Readers,

I've finally recovered enough from finding a mouse playing freely on my garage steps to both write this post and accept that, try as we might, the intruder isn't going anywhere. Husband and I have thrown up our hands.

We give up.

The mouse's name is Zachery Ty Bryan the II.

He may stay here through winter. Then he needs to get his act together, pack all his concert tees, and get out.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. Nay, after I read Grace's post, here, I realized it's high time the twins start adding their thoughts to the blog, from time to time. So, I'm happy to report, a bag of apple chips and two string cheeses later, I was granted an exclusive interview with Sundance Kellerman herself. This is what she had to say...

Monday, February 25, 2013

The Second Annual Kellerman Awards

On my way in to accept the award for "Most Days Without a Shower in a Romantic Comedy or Horror"

Afternoon Readers,

I hope you wore your best pajama, yoga, or parachute pants, because it's that time again.


Yes, exactly. Good guess. I do need to go buy milk, but it's also award season, and, while I could re-hash the Academy Awards from last night, that wouldn't leave me enough time to hold the Second Annual Kellerman Awards.

What's a Kellerman award?

Why, my darlings, only the most prestigious, thinly-veiled reference to how life's beating up on me, wrapped in a package of sarcasm, and only slightly hiding the fact it's mimicking the actual Academy Awards. Delightful stuff. Very high-brow.

Anywho, let's get to it. The statuettes I made out of bread slices and bendy straws can't hold themselves together forever.

 Winners of This Year's Kellerman no particular order

Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Top Five Ways To Survive Being Snowed In With Small Children

"Hello, 911? Oh, no emergency. We're snowed in and I was just looking for someone else to talk talk to. So, what kind of calls are you getting today?"

Afternoon Readers,

I'm reporting to you live from the Split-level. Surrounded by snow, holding on to sanity, the Kellermans are in close quarters but still in tact. Barely. In case you missed the news, Nature decided it hated Kansas and tried to white it out. We are currently the great typewriter correction of the good, old USA.

The recent weather means, of course, many parents and children have been trapped with each other for inordinate amounts of time. After I write this post with all the steadiness my damaged psyche can muster, I'll be calling Oprah to see if she'd like to spearhead some sort of campaign centered around relief funds for parents snowed in with toddlers.

Hopefully we can book Aerosmith for the benefit concert, before they've gotten too comfortable at Shady Acres retirement home.

At any rate, if you too are snowed in with little people* this week, here are a few things that may help pass the time.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Teeny Tiny Drum Kit

"I'm really glad we bought the kids those robes. Now they can live our dreams and flare for showmanship."

Afternoon Readers,

Today's post is being typed as quietly as possible, for nap time is being held together by a single prayer and the ember of a hope the baby stops punching sleep in the face and surrenders to the fact he's five months old and needs to pass out. Lay down your chubby fists of furry, my friend.

Otherwise, the woman who jumps off the bridge on the news tonight will be yours truly. No exchanges. No Returns.

Yes, I cling to nap time because it's a brief reprieve from the commotion brought about by three children under three and their drum kit.

What? You're looking at me like I've never told you about it.

Then let me tell you about it, and the conversations which brought such a thing to pass...

Monday, February 18, 2013

The Playplace

"Kids, today we're going to that indoor play place. May the odds be in your favor."

Afternoon Readers,

I hope your respective weekends went well. Saturday found us staring at snow and limited options of what to do with the children. Our initial reaction, after pulling them out of cabinets and watching them punch each other, was to mail them both to Bangladesh, but we refrained because Bangladesh has never done anything to us, and decided to head to the mall instead.

After a quick walk around the pet store and narrowly avoiding a lady who wanted to run her fingers through the baby's freakishly thick hair, Husband and I were at a loss as to what to channel the twins energy into.

And then we saw it.

Husband looked at me. "We should send them in there."

"What does it cost?"

"It doesn't matter."

"You're right. We can always sell the car."

Friday, February 15, 2013

How I Know It's Saturday

"How do I know it's Saturday? Bob, what other day do we practice the Hand Jive?"
Afternoon Readers,

I tell ya what, this stay at home mom thing is pretty glamorous.  Not only did I narrowly just avoid dropping pop tart on the slip acting as an undershirt to my paint-spattered sweatshirt, but the butler called in sick so now I have to go fill up my own coffee.

...My giraffe pants and I will be right back.

Now, where was I? Ahh, yes, Saturday, the sixth Monday of the week. She's a subtle minx, that one, differentiated from the other Mondays by good intentions and false hope. I, like most parents, use these false hopes to spot Saturday, as Ahab tracked Moby Dick.

If we don't do this, Saturday is confused with Sunday, thereby throwing the space-time continuum off and causing liquor stores to close early on business days. And we simply can't have that.

But, how does one spot these hallmarks of Saturday?

How, indeed.

Relying purely on instinct, and leftover Nyquil, I whip the two into a well-balanced formula of spotting the following:

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Starting Lent Over at Motherhood on the Rocks

"We were going to give up going to your games, for Lent, Jimmy. But your father said no, so chocolate it is."

Morning Readers,

Today, I, along with a few of my friends, are visiting Motherhood on the Rocks, letting her know what we would give up for Lent if we could. And no, it's not this blog. I wouldn't abandon you guys. After all, I'm sure stopping by here is the 348th most important thing in your day I'll be here.

Anywho, the twins got new beds today, so I must run and supervise what's going on in Thunderdome. Meet me back here on Friday. Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Or, you can come over and hangout on the Facebook Page. Sub par one-liners? Graphics that are passably funny? Right, see you there.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, February 11, 2013

The Monday Hangover

        "Hey, Barb. When the kids go to bed, wanna break out the licorice and eat Nutella with our hands?"  ..."Don't take me for a fool, Bill. Of course I do."
 Afternoon Readers,

This morning was a little rough. Mondays always are. As I gave the twins sugar cookies and juice for breakfast at 7am, I couldn't help but reflect on the fact I'd woken up with a parenting hangover again and the tragedy of its re-occurrence.

And, before we go any further, for all you guys riled up about giving Butch and Sundance cookies for breakfast, please know they had Lucky Charms, thirty minutes later, thereby evening their sugar-to-sugar ratio for the morning. So chillax, my health conscious amigos. Chillax.

At any rate, I'm hungover. But, like I said before, it's a parenting hangover, the hallmark of any weekend spent with children, and the only way to differentiate the weekend from a week day.

It all goes down the same way every weekend:

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

There's a File for That: Confessions of an Email Hoarder

And one of these days, you'll be glad I saved that expired concert announcement from 2007, so can it." 

Afternoon Readers,

On achingly poignant and romantic evenings, Husband can be found gazing deep into my eyes, twirling a lock of my hair around his finger, and whispering into my ear, "If you ever die, I'm pretty sure you'll become a hoarder. Don't do that."

I've countered this statement, many a time. The house isn't cluttered. I don't have a penchant for cats or making more grilled cheese sandwiches than we have cabinet space in the bathroom. I'd come to believe he makes this statement in a desperate attempt to make sure I go first and he's left with the house and all of the kids. Any man's dream. Totally understandable.

....But, after looking in my email box this morning, I'm starting to think Husband may be right.

I'm a virtual pack rat.

I could tell you why, but the only way to sort through the madness is to let you listen to the conversation I have with my computer every morning:

Monday, February 4, 2013

In Which, I Do My Best to "b Positive"....

Morning Readers,

Recently, my good friend, Anna, over at My Life and Kids contacted me. Would I be interested in working on an eBook with her? She asked.

"Well, what's it about?"

"Being positive."

"And you're asking me?"

"You interested?"

"I'll look up "positivity" and get back to you."

Eventually, I agreed my 5% sunny disposition should be shared with the world, and my part was put in print. I haven't gotten any retraction letters, so I'm assuming their going to leave my words in there.

Here's the deets (that's a real word ...Urban Dictionary says so):

I partnered with the b Positive Project, Anna from My Life and Kids and 17 more bloggers to create a free eBook that I think you’re going to love.

The b Positive Project is a t-shirt and apparel company that creates comfy clothes and tries to inspire people to have a positive mindset and do good things for others.

From wrinkles, to depression – from parenting with humor to inspiring our husbands *wink* – this eBook might make you think. It might make you cry. It will definitely make you laugh out loud.

Be sure to use the coupon code in the book to receive 10% off your purchase at the b Positive Project. That same coupon code will help kids with cancer – for every purchase made using the code, the b Positive Project will send a t-shirt to a child battling cancer!

We’re also sharing 50 Ways to b Positive. Yes – punching someone in the face is included… so is praying.

So, what are you waiting for? Boss got you down, so you're hiding out in the company bathroom? Kids chasing you through the house and you finally found a decent-sized cabinet to hide in? this book, and you'll have something to read while you wait them out.

Until Next Time Readers!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Toddler Masterpiece Classic Presents: Who's Dat?

The triplets agreed their mother's reading of David Copperfield had been somewhat plebeian.

Afternoon Readers,

I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it, but I love to read out loud. As luck would have it, giving birth to three children has made it possible to legitimately practice this talent without looking insane while reading to random people on the street. 

Have you ever tried to someone either coming from or going to the grocery store?

Then you understand my pain.

The luxury of being able to pick a selection from a plethora of children's books and read with a zest for life never heard by anyone who values their hearing has been both exciting and a challenge. On the one hand, the twins love to be read to. On the other, making it through a story is proving more difficult than originally anticipated.

Today, a peek into a slice of story time.
A glimpse into disjointed story telling.
I give you...