Wednesday, February 6, 2013

There's a File for That: Confessions of an Email Hoarder

And one of these days, you'll be glad I saved that expired concert announcement from 2007, so can it." 

Afternoon Readers,

On achingly poignant and romantic evenings, Husband can be found gazing deep into my eyes, twirling a lock of my hair around his finger, and whispering into my ear, "If you ever die, I'm pretty sure you'll become a hoarder. Don't do that."

I've countered this statement, many a time. The house isn't cluttered. I don't have a penchant for cats or making more grilled cheese sandwiches than we have cabinet space in the bathroom. I'd come to believe he makes this statement in a desperate attempt to make sure I go first and he's left with the house and all of the kids. Any man's dream. Totally understandable.

....But, after looking in my email box this morning, I'm starting to think Husband may be right.

I'm a virtual pack rat.

I could tell you why, but the only way to sort through the madness is to let you listen to the conversation I have with my computer every morning:

"Good Morning, computer. Please pull up my main contact email." (paigekellerman@gmail.com, if you guys ever want to send me recipes I'll never use or secrets to take to the grave).

"Pulling up main contact email. You have received no messages of import or fan mail."

I nod. "Figured as much. Now, please bring up my other email inbox."

"The one for bills and miscellaneous items or the one for only half the things you've ever registered for?"

"Bring up bills and miscellaneous."

"Very good, mam."

"M' Lady?"

"Yes, computer?"

"It says here you'd have one hundred bills, sixty newsletters, ninety-eight coupon codes, and a special offer on pants that would look horrendous on you from New York and Company."

"I see. Put everything into folders and save the one from New York and Company. I haven't had a good cry today, and I'd like to get that in before lunch."

"As you wish, mam. Would you like to look at anything else?"

"Let's take a pass back at the registration emails. There might be some terms of use I haven't stored without reading. After that, I'd like to do a u-turn and stop at my old college email address. I need a password clue to get into another site."

"Can I help with remembering the password?"

"Not unless you know who my first best friend's cat's cousin's father-in-law's mother's maiden name."

"I don't, mam."

It's ok, computer."

"Mam, were there any bills you'd like to pay before you log out?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Now, close this session and close out your sass."

"Very good, mam."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Google the life expectancy of a man who says his wife might turn into a hoarder.

Until Next Time, Readers!


23 comments:

  1. I just checked. I have 15,219 emails in my inbox and 15,783 emails in my sent items. I refuse to believe I'm a hoarder. And if anyone asks a question about something that happened two years, I just type it in the Outlook search box and BAM. There it is. Then I'm a hero. So you tell your husband you ARE NOT a hoarder - you are the keeper of all knowledge and a super hero. So. In his face. ;)

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    1. "Keeper of all knowledge" ...I like that. You haven't' trade-marked it yet, have you?

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  2. I delete as many as I can, spam others, and hang onto the ones actually written by a person's fingers.

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    1. I wish I'd remember not to click "I'd like to receive additional offers." That's my downfall, and the reason I'm the owner of eight billion messages.

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  3. Which files do the emails I send you go in?

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    1. Highly confidential. If I talk about the "Fishducky File, the higher ups will find out about it...

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  4. Google lets me feel like less of a hoarder since they save all the emails anyway, even the deleted ones:)

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    1. True. Google accounts are fairly organized. They didn't count on me, but they still fight the good fight for organization.

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  5. I have a million folders for different types of e-mails, but do delete, too I swear. Oh well, of to e-mail hoarders anonymous, lol!! :)

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    1. Yes, I got all excited when I figured out how to make folders ...and then, I too, made a million of them.

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  6. Are you kidding me...when I lived abroad (over 12 years ago) and email was pretty new I saved EVERY email!! I recently found them and couldn't believe it! You know what though, I can't bring myself to throw them away! My parents recently brought over BOXES of old letters from elementary/high school, old diaries, etc...I'm SO happy I saved it all. What great memories!

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    1. That's another thing I have the hardest time throwing away. I can give clothes away like a boss, but when it comes to throwing out old papers from college, etc, I yell to the world, "But what if I want to read that term paper on vikings from 2003?"

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  7. Ha ha! I'm the same way. I have three email addresses. One for my blog, one for junk and crap, and one personal. The problem is whenever I start an email, my computer uses whatever "From" address it wants and I end up sending personal emails via my junk address and then people respond to that address and everything gets mixed up. I save recipes, coupons, how to be a better writer stuff and rarely go back to read. I try to go through my old stuff about once a week, but I usually end up skipping most things, saying, "oh, I want to read that," but I've been saying that for four months. Ha! Fun post!

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    1. I've been on a total "unsubscribe" mission since writing this post ...only eight hundred companies to go. But there's still so much I want to read ..potentially ..in the future.

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  8. I'm an email hoarder too which is bad when I have 4 different email accounts! I could break out in hives if I think about having to clean any one of them out!

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    1. I could forward you a great email I have on fighting hives.

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  9. Where the heck can I get me one of them fancy talking computers?

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    1. The old laptop's one of a kind. But he does enjoy the stories I write about him. Not the humblest.

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  10. Paige, every post I read of yours is positively delightful. I cannot wait for you to come out with a book!

    Also, where can I get a computer that calls me M'Lady?

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  11. Whew. I thought I was alone on this one. Further confession: When e-mail was new I used to actually print out copies of the e-mails I got. Gah! I'm that cool, and take that one to an episode of Hoarders...

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  12. I tell my husband that. When I die, he will become a hoarder. The man kind - you know with all the rusty parts, lawnmowers, and an old school bus out in the front yard...

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  13. I'm a virtual pack rat too. But you never know when you'll need to read those emails :)

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