Monday, March 11, 2013

A Family Plunged Into Darkness

"It's just the fuse box, Bill. Don't you think a screwdriver would be less dramatic?"

Morning Readers,

They say the hardest thing about raising children is remembering to bathe them four times a year.

No, maybe that was two times a year.

Before June, but after July?

No matter, I'm here to tell you, the hardest thing about raising children is keeping them from sticking things in places where the sticking is less than advantageous.

  • Oh, you mean it's not customary to mix the peanut butter with one's fist?
  • Crayola said the orange, red, yellow and Burnt Sienna were best stored down the heat vent. That masterpiece on your hand is called, "Heat Smells Like Imagination."
  • Since when do dogs not like drumsticks poked at their butt? What do you know about music?
  •  You're yelling like the finger in your eye is somehow inconvenient for you. Curious. Get a load of the lady who hates fingers in her eye.
 Apart from the dog's butt, occasionally, things are stuck places that really matter. Readers, you're already aware the Split-level is in crisis. (Oh yes, we're still sinking. I looked out my bedroom window this morning, and all I saw was an earthworm doing Zumba in his living room.) So, when the lights went out last night, I threw up my hands and started handing out miner's hats.

Husband: Where are the lights?

Me: I was changing the baby.

Husband: Theories?

Me: The children. The children did something. The children are always doing something. I heard a "pop." Wizardry of some sort? Look out the window. Does it look like the dimension you're accustomed to?

While Husband scrabbled around in the dark, Sundance decided to help with a soft battery of questions which carressed my temple like machine gun fire:

What happened? What happened? Who broke it? What happened? Did Butch stick something in the light socket? He broke the lights? What happened? Daddy fix it? What haaaaaappend?

Hush child, or I'm buying you a one-way ticket on a barge to Peru.

A couple expletives, some sparking, and one readjustment to my miner's hat later, and it was discovered Butch had indeed been poking around at a light socket. With what, we're not exactly sure, but the fact he was crying and yelling, "I broke it," really helped narrow down the suspects.

So, today the lights are on, and it's back to the business of taking apart all of our worldly possessions. But I can see it happening, and that's the important part.

Until Next Time, Readers!


18 comments:

  1. Oy vey. With that said, you crack me up. Also, is Butch's hair now similar to Anne Burrell of Food Network a la spikey like he stuck something in a light socket?

    Anyway, at least nobody was hurt. A few more minutes in the dark and one of the little ones could have stolen your Twix, and I know how violent you get about chocolate...

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    1. The first thing they go after is the chocolate. Always the chocolate. Thankfully, Butch's hair was still messy, so I couldn't really tell the difference, otherwise, my guilt would've been astronomical. Thanks for looking out, my friend!

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  2. You are so hilarious. My kids are almost past the age of getting into everything but now they just sort of destroy things quickly. There is no more dumping food down the vents but there is lots of "no need to yell for mom, I'll pour us all a bowl of cereal and put it in the microwave."

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    1. I'm starting to see flashes of that type of independence, and it's scaring me profoundly. Like, "Hey, mamma. It's ok, I'm only two feet tall, but I can handle this gallon of milk."

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  3. The earth worm doing Zumba? Best thing I've heard all day. Paige, you're a genius.

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    1. Earthworms are known for that. Didn't you know? ...;)

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  4. That was hysterical. For a while, my son took everything apart. It drove me crazy!

    ~FringeGirl

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    1. It's comforting to know that other people are slowly being driven insane by this type of thing.

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  5. You and Erma Bombeck would have been such a team. Since she is gone, you are double the humor. You make me feel better.

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    1. If I can brighten your day, my dear Susan, my work here is done. If Erma was still here, I'd pass out from shock if I ever met her.

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  6. it's a good thing my kids don't read your blog, it would just fill their heads with ideas! for now they are perfectly content practicing for their future lives as narc, table dancer and stripper...

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  7. Well first of all - poor doggy! Second of all - LOL!!! ~TALU

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  8. Protection from sticking things where they are not supposed to go. A parent's #1 responsibility. So true! The other day 3 Year Old was making me a surprise birthday card he insisted on showing me. 3 times. After he finished making it, he happily announced before his arrival upstairs "mommy, daddy washed all the poison off my face. And my mouth". The poison was the crayons they used to paint my card.

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  9. Brings back a scary memory of me as a baby getting hold of my mother's car keys, plopping myself on the floor in front of an outlet and sticking the keys in the slots! It threw me across the room, shorted out the electricity and welded the keys to the floor. Aside from a scorched onesie, I came out of it relatively unscathed, but I distinctly remember being mad that my sister was mad that she was watching Bozo when the TV went out - sisterly love! ;) [#TALU]

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  10. Seriously, my kids are always doing things like this and just last week I was on my hands and knees scrubbing red crayon off the wall that my younger daughter thought would be fun to use as her canvas. Seriously, I feel your pain Paige!! #TALU

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  11. Oh man. The light sockets are my biggest fear. I'm waiting for the day for it to happen. My husband's cousin jammed something metal into a light socket once and he said it hurt...bad.

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  12. My niece plunged car keys into an outlet in a hospital room while she was visiting her great-grandpa. That was an uproar, let me tell you. I have all of our visible outlets plugged with those ridiculously inconvenient outlet plugs. Only way I feel safe with toddlers in the house.

    Sharon

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