Monday, March 18, 2013

If You Give a Baby a Cracker

There's nothing like a child's look of joy when they get what they want.

Morning Readers,

I'm well aware I haven't given may updates about Doc. So, before we go any further, please know he still lives with us.

Okay, that's cleared up, so let's talk about some notable milestones, which, to the untrained eye, are unimpressive, but to the trained eye, are passably interesting. As of  3/18/13, Doc Kellerman can:
  1. Touch his toes - This is interesting because some people can't.
  2. Laugh hysterically at whatever I say - This is interesting because we've been biting our nails waiting to see if he was born with a sense of humor.
  3. Pull off a teeny tiny chambray shirt paired with sophisticated shorts - This isn't interesting, but, Your Honor, in my defense, I plead cuteness in the form of the world's smallest J. Crew model. If I can address the jury for a moment, I'd also like to beg for a small boat and a casual, Grecian backdrop to complete the look. The defense rests. 
But, we're not here to talk about whether babies can actually steer ships. No, no. That, they can do. If you want to give them something that truly challenges and inspires, break out the saltines. Oh yes, once infants reach six months or so, they love them some crackers.

Eyes glaze over.
Fat fists punch the air in triumph.
Super-human strength takes over, while baby heels dig into your abdomen and try to launch everything from the heels up into the cracker box.

This past week, I assessed the youngest and decided he was ready for a cracker. I handed it to him. "Here, small child. Have a cracker."

"Ba." He poked at it. (The first time you give a baby a cracker, don't be offended if he doesn't take it right away. In baby culture, it's considered good manners to look at you like you're a complete idiot.)

"It's food. Sort of. Dieting models think so. Possibly sailors? Hermits. I hear hermits buy them in bulk."

Eyebrow raised, he bit down.

"So, what do you think?"

There was silence and then, like a flame in and old timey lantern, something sparked in the back of his baby eyes. 

"Doc?"

Doc's eyes widened as he processed the unique combination of flour, water and salt pressed into the world's most exciting shape. "Baaaaa."

"Do-"

But, before I could question him further, a fat fist clamped down on my hand, the other latched onto another cracker and, as I looked on in horror, The Great Cracker Massacre  of 2013 commenced.

We lost a lot of good crackers out there.

When future generations are told of the crumb-shed, the sheer magnitude of the thing will be lost on them. Doc won't even remember the pure fury he employed, shoving squares in his face until his joy was unceremoniously cut short by choking on a stray piece, and making me feel like the worst mom ever.

Sure, he's not the most delicate cracker consumer, but at least he can touch his toes, so there's always a place in the circus for him.


Until Next Time, Readers!

28 comments:

  1. We need more photographic evidence that you have said children! And go Doc, I can't touch my toes, so that is a big accomplishment in my book :)

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    1. I just have to hope you guys believe me when I say I have children and I'm just barely keeping them in line...lol There is a vast lack of photographic evidence.

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  2. I can't even read this post. Because I have been frozen with fear over WHATEVER IT IS that that woman is holding in that picture. What IS it? *Shivers*

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    1. That picture both terrifies and fascinates me. I had to share my find with the world.

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  3. I agree!!! What on God's green earth IS THAT?!

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    1. The world may never know ...or I'll find out after some research.

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  4. You have to teach him to say cracker, like I taught my youngest. Because I don't want to be the only mother out there whose baby is loudly demanding something that sounds like "crack hos."

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    1. This just became priority 1 for me, Robyn. I kid you not.

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  5. I want to meet Doc. The first time I fed my little guy any solids (boring rice cereal), he grabbed my wrist and tried to shovel it in as fast as he could. I knew then that we could skip baby food and go straight to cheeseburgers.

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    1. You'd get a kick out of him. He WAS trying to grab my cheeseburger the other day, so maybe the crackers were an unnecessary formality.

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  6. Just finished sweeping up from a similar incident. The cheesy bunny crackers were out for a Spring frolic on the dining room floor and death by baby stampede.

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    1. I LOVE cheesy bunny crackers! ...I mean, the baby, the baby loves cheesy bunny crackers.

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  7. When are the kids going to get here? Doc can have all the cheeseburgers he wants!!

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    1. I'm waiting until May to send them out there. No sense in buying the plane ticket and having Kansas winter weather ground the flight.

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  8. This is what it is like when I eat crackers. Doc and I are going to get along juuuuuust fine.

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    1. Any friend of mine is a friend of his. He said so himself.

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  9. hilarious. My child is OBSESSED with a whole tray - an assortment - of crackers that will keep him occupied for a good 15 minutes if I let him crumble and play with them. they end up destroyed and all over the floor but who cares, it's an activity, right?!

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    1. How can that not count as an activity? And an awesome one at that. I'm officially stealing this idea.

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  10. Went through this twice and Doc is just fine. And you are a great mother, if not then I am a terrible one right alongside you, lol!!

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    1. You always got my back, Janine. You are my comrade in arms...:)

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  11. This is just dripping with cute and funny. And those half-choke moments...I'm pretty sure that they've shaved at least half a decade off my life...

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    1. Thanks, Jen! And yes, those moments give me miniature heart attacks and three new gray hairs.

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  12. Bahahaha!! I need:

    1. to see this tiny person in front of the Grecian backdrop

    2. the aftermath of The Great Cracker Massacre

    3. an infant/cat meme to commemorate this event, a la the Vietnam Vet Memorial Wall in DC

    :)

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    1. Note to self: Don't forget to make awesome meme. I'm on it!

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  13. Wait until you show him popcorn. Then we'll see who's shoving in handfuls fast enough. Oh, enough about me. Could you get him one of those little sailor hats, or newsboy caps? I love me a prepster in a hat.

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    1. He NEEDS a tiny newsboy cap. *runs off to Amazon*

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  14. Ah yes, the great cracker massacre. I know it all too well. Video next time!

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