Wednesday, March 13, 2013

What Happens In the Van Stays In the Van ....thankfully

"Well, Marleen, you could ride in the back and make the kids drive the car."

Afternoon Readers,

I'll be completely honest, sometimes I pack the kids in the van, simply to escape the house. That's right, I punch the ozone in the face and waste gas by driving around aimlessly. For a brief twenty minutes to an hour or eight days, I buckle everyone in, turn up the music, and enjoy the sites and sounds of things that are not the coffee pot or hearing my jewelry being flushed down the toilet.

It is my sanity.

It is my joy.

It is something that only has a success rate of 10%.

In theory, drowning out children with the sounds of Earth, Wind and Fire while I look at other people's mailboxes sounds ingenious, but that's only because one of my top three skills is wishful thinking. The other two are procrastination and worrying, respectively.

But it's only a theory because, eventually, you have to respond to your child's call. And it makes you wish you could leave your mothering instinct on the kitchen counter, just like you did the cell phone you meant to take with you.

The only thing about these seemingly important requests coming from the back of the van is that they are just that, seemingly important:

Two-year-old: Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Moooooooommaaaa!"
Me: *Turns down music* "What?!"
Her: I stuck my finger in my ear." 
Me: ....

Child: Moooooommmmmmaaaaaa!
Me: What is it?
Child: Hi.
Me: ....

Child: Mom. Momma. Mom. Mom. Mom. Momma. Mom. Mom.
Me: What?!
Child: I saw a tree.
Me: ...

Child: Mom! Momma! Mom!
Me: *regretfully turns down Adam Levine* What?!
Child 1: He hit me!
Child 2: She hit me!
Child 1: He hit me!
Child 2: She hit me!
Me: *turns radio back up and starts looking for nearest FedEx station that accepts twins for one-way trips*


Until Next Time, Readers!


13 comments:

  1. The sound of jewelry being flushed down the toilet is as almost as melodic as listening to my iPhone 5 plummet all the way down the hardwood steps...careful not to miss one on the long and turbulent journey to the bottom. If only there were seatbelts for their mouths too...

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    1. There's nothing like hearing the doom of a prized possession, amiright? I'm terrified to get an iPhone because I know I'll find it wedged in the sink, with water running.

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  2. Oh dear god this was me last Sunday. The wife was out all day so I decided to take the kids for a little hike about 45 mins out of town. I was thinking that this would allow me 45 mins of relaxing and listening to music. Here was my trip in the car: Note: This is not embellished.

    Child 2(2 yr old): Where are we going?
    Me: Hiking
    Child 2: Are we there?
    Me: No
    Child 2: Are you driving?
    Me: Yes
    Child 2: Why are you driving?
    Me: To get us there
    Child 2: To get us where?
    Me: To the place to go hiking
    Child 2: Are we there?
    Me: No it's going to be a bit
    Child 2: Are you driving us there?
    Me: Yes
    Child 2: To the hiking?
    Me: Yes
    Child 2: In the car?
    Me: Yes
    Child 2: Are we going hiking?
    Me: Yes. OK how about no more question until we get there.
    Child 2: To the hiking?
    Me: Yes.
    Child 2: Is mom at home?
    Me: No she is running errands. But remember I said no more questions.
    Child 2: That wasn't a question about hiking.
    Me: I know but I mean no questions about anything.
    Child 2: About hiking?
    Me: About anything.
    Child 2: No questions about anything?
    Me: Yes.
    *quiet for about 90 seconds*
    Child 2: Where are we going?
    ...
    Repeat same conversation 10 times

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    1. As much as I cringe for you, I wish I could turn this story into my own post...:)

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  3. Too bad there isn't some sort of sidecar you could put the children in. Maybe one of those chauffeur windows would do the trick.

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    1. How much do you think installing a chauffeur window in a mini van would cost? I'm intrigued.

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  4. LMAO! I used to drive up and down a dirt road by our house until the gentle bouncing put the kids to sleep. When that failed, I would go park by the local air strip so I could catch a nap while they watched the planes land and take off. But I definitely remember that "Please, anything!" feeling of needing to get out of the house. Back then, the weekly trip to WalMart was exciting. Sometimes I would get wild and drive to the next town and back, but gas was cheaper then. :)

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    1. Now I'm super jealous I don't have an airstrip to drive to. The kids would love that.

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  5. Now I drive my gr-daughters places. They love me, think I walk on water. I listen to them and laugh. Now, my own kids, well....

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    1. I'll be all about driving the grand kids places. They can talk and talk and talk. Final stop, back to mom and dad's house!

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  6. I started reading you a few weeks ago- you. are. funny. I now get a little excited when I look at my feed reader and see you have new post. Thanks for the lolz.

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    1. Why, thank you so much! I'm always excited when I see a new face in my humble corner of the internet. Welcome!

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