Monday, April 1, 2013

And Now, Why I Don't Open the Door...

"I'm not mad, just frustrated I got dressed to answer the door for someone selling mutton chop grooming kits."

Afternoon Readers,

In case you're wondering, yes, the amount of chocolate that's been eaten around here, within the last twenty-four hours is obscene. The twins have also eaten their fare share. But, reasons for my hands shaking aside, Easter for the Kellermans was fantastic and I hope yours was as well.

*Takes a brief timeout to decided whether she wants to make a chocolate bunny walk the plank into her coffee. Decides said bunny is all the way upstairs. Back to typing. Uses slight of hand to direct everyone from inward monologue back to outer monologue.*

Have I ever told you I'm terrified of answering the door? Admittedly, our neighborhood has a very low vampire rate, but trying to guess who's knocking on my house never fails to give me pause, mainly because it's usually:

a.) sometimes a vampire
b.) kid selling candy and I never have cash
c.) Salesman selling sales or trying to kill me

So, I usually don't answer, tell the kids to get out of the window, and pray whoever it was didn't hear me shouting, "Get down. Get down out of the window. You're not wearing pants. None of us are wearing pants. Get down."

But, on Friday, I decided to be brave when I heard the knock on the door...

"Good morning, mam."

"Good morning to you, man holding flowers."

He smiled broadly and held out the glass vase filled with beautiful things which whispered, "After all these years of suspecting it, here's the proof that someone likes you," and turned the card towards me. "These are for you."

"For me? I can't imagine who-"

"Because you're Sue, right?"

"No."

"You're not Sue?"

"That's why I stopped grinning like a lobotomized lemur five seconds ago."

Slowly, he withdrew the offering of flowers, a wise move, as I'd been silently considering hugging them to my chest, running inside, and slamming the door. "Sue doesn't live here?"

"She does not."

"But she has your address."

"Oh, that Sue. She lived in the shed for a while, but then, one morning, we realized she'd taken her knapsack, two-way radio and expired canned goods, and hit the open road."

"So there's no Sue here?"

"Or knapsacks. You may want to try further down the street."

All in all, after Friday, I got to expand my reasons for not opening the door, because "false hope" is as bad as a sparkly vampire selling candy I don't have the money for.

Until Next Time, Readers!






19 comments:

  1. I would have expected you to take the flowers, tell him that Sue prefers candy & shut the door!!

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  2. You should have said, "OH! I forgot, Sue is what I go by on the streets. These must be from one of my Johns. How sweet."

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    Replies
    1. Haha. Where are my witty comebacks when it really counts???

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  3. I really hate those candy selling vampires. If they'd only take checks.

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    1. Or get one of those portable credit card machines. Vampires are always behind the times.

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  4. Replies
    1. The twins tend to favor the diaper-only look, and my over-sized t-shirt paired with unattractive boy shorts tend to scare away solicitors, with lightening speed.

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  5. The Ghost and Mrs. Muir!!(They wanted to not wear pants, but he was...well...a ghost.)

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    1. Hahahaha ...I kind of love that you made that observation.

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  6. Oh my goodness! What the hell?? Delivering flowers to the wrong person, and then taking them back should be considered a Class II misdemeanor.
    I once cut short a visit from some black and white clad gentlemen on bicycles by stepping onto to the porch with cell phone to my ear and saying, "Having a ski mask, duct tape and rope in your trunk doesn't automatically make you a rapist, ok bye. Sorry about that fellas what can I do for you?"

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    1. Ahh, the old "ski mask duct tape" routine. Works every time.

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  7. "That's why I stopped grinning like a lobotomized lemur five seconds ago."

    I died. Just died.

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    Replies
    1. Is that a request for more lemur jokes? Because I can do that.

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  8. You would think your husband would get your name right after three kids.

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    1. You'd think. Or maybe he was trying to send them to Sue. Hmm...

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  9. I love this so much (she typed from behind the couch).

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  10. Flowers at the wrong house? Total vampire move.

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