Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Are They Dead Yet?

I love how my nightmares have been captured here in bold lines and soft pastels.

Afternoon Readers,

Well, the season's upon us. Sandal season? No, but you'll find those flip flops will come in really handy when the realization the spiders have woken up sinks in.

I'll give you a moment. 

I'm not sure what things are like in your neck of the woods, but around the Split-level, as soon as the warm weather hits, the hairy, eight-legged threat increases ten-fold. By the time summer's here, I spend most of my nights staring at the ceiling, praying that water spots now build webs, and calculating the time it will take to burrow under Husband and turn him into a human shield.

(For the purposes of this post, Husband loves being turned into a human shield.)

This year, we were ready. Victims no longer, the Kellermans set up an appointment with the exterminator, nice and early. I asked all the preliminary questions:

"And you can spray for spiders, roaches, and ants?"

"We can."

"Will this require you to burn the house down? Because, we're ok with it either way."

Monday morning, the pleasant man in the grey uniform showed up, armed from head to toe with bug-killing gear. Sundance questioned him furiously, as she's prone to do to any poor stranger, and while I kept a hand over her mouth and held Butch back from pulling the trigger on something which looked like it housed chemicals, I listed to his plan of action and nodded enthusiastically.

Would I like the whole house sprayed?
Traps set?
Could I please let go of his leg and stop weeping with joy?
Sure, but was that necessary to the extermination process?

Over the next half hour, the house was sprayed within an inch of its life, and Sundance also used this time to shout down to the basement, "Bug man, do you see any bugs yet?" ...somewhere around twenty times.

At the end of it, I wrote my check with zest and signed a paper listing the bug-killing sorcery our house was now doused in.

The bug man looked at me seriously. "Mrs. Kellerman, there's just a couple things."


"Now that the house has been sprayed, you might see some extra activity."

I laughed. "Oh, I don't exercise."

"You see, when the chemicals are put down, it kills the spider's food sources and drives all the bugs out of hiding. So you may see a few more bugs and spiders than usual, temporarily."

"So what you're saying is I just paid you to drive my arch nemisiseses... Sorry, I've never been much good and pluralizing things. Drive them out into the open? That wasn't the idea at all."

"It's only temporary."

"No, my love of grommet belts was only temporary. This is devastating."

So, here we stand (full discloser: I'm actually sitting and typing), waiting for the enemy which may never come, but I'm ready with a flip flop anyway. Good luck this season, my fellow spider hunters. Good luck.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. After an infestation of roaches, we got an exterminator to come monthly--best move EVER!!

  2. But, spiders are our friends...

  3. I hate spiders ALL THE WAY! That picture made me sick to my stomach. We have monthy exterminator also!! YICK!! ::shudder:: <3 Devan

  4. I too just kill them. My husband says not to and that we should somehow get them back outside. Seriously, why would one do that when you can just use a flip-flop to kill them? So with you on this one!!

  5. The Stinkbug Invasion is in full-force 'round these parts. There is no known cure, exterminating included, and if you smash'em with a flip flop, they live up to their names and stink you outta the house. I can't win :( I'll trade you spiders for stink? Oh never mind, I won't.

  6. They never tell you that until the very end, do they?

    I once saw a spider on my couch. I can't be 100% sure there isn't a throbbing hive of spider eggs hidden somewhere in the depths of springs and foam, so I don't sit there anymore. Can't be too careful. If I ever see another one, I'm boarding up the living room.

  7. Very timely post! Here at the single-level tract house, I was just out on the front porch hosing down webs that can only be described as relentless and aggressive. They are everywhere. May the force be with you!
    Justin Knight- Writing Pad Dad
    Writing Pad Dad Blog

  8. We get enormous spiders in our basement. My children have a tent in the playroom which I am too scared to enter once spring begins because in my irrational brain, surely that's where the spiders go. In the princess tent. But I let my kids go in there without hesitation because I'm caring like that.

  9. Not to make your spider phobia worse but when we lived in AZ my 5 year old son (who's always been extremely fearful of those 8 legged nasties) wore his shoes to the store and kept complaining about his toes. I, being the fabulous mother I am, ignored his complaints since he was not walking but was instead sitting and not in need of his toes. When we got home he took off his shoe and out crawled a huge tarantula! We were horrified! Needless to say he's had nightmares about spiders ever since.