Wednesday, April 24, 2013

How to Potty Train Twins: In 10 Easy Steps


Afternoon Readers,

What did I spend all last week doing? Let's jump right in...



1.) Go to the liquor store. Buy all the liquor.

2.) Resign yourself to the fact you won't be leaving your house for a week. It's ok. You bought all the liquor. Every night, you will be drunk and talking to the wall.

...Yes, I think it's adorable you think you won't. *smooshes your cheeks*

3.) Make sure you have twins. If you don't, please refrain from taking someone else's. The rest of this list isn't fun at all.

4.) Buy a small potty. Explain to the little potty it won't really enjoy its existance from here on out. Position potty in front of TV.

5.) Throw out diapers and Pullups. Run back to the trashcan, crying, and yank them back out again. Set aside for night time. Stop crying. Seriously.

What?

We've been through this. Go read step one again.

6.) Put both children in underwear and confine them to a surface that's not carpet. Do not leave them unsupervised, no matter how bad you want to adopt them out to the hermit neighbors down the street and go look at funny cat pictures on the internet.

7.) Spend the next 24-48 hours cleaning pee off everything you own. You love that hand-embroidered pillow with your wedding date on it? Too bad it got peed on. Throw it out.

8.) By day three, your twins may be making it to the potty. They also might be watching Sponge Bob while they pee on the floor.

9.) Day four, people are both watching cartoons and making it to the potty, seventy-eight percent of the time. By this point in the week, you've cleaned more excrement than the inmate who drew the short straw on Career Day.

10.) Congratulations, your twins are potty trained! Except for the times they forget to go to the potty, have an accident in the backyard, strip down, and run around naked for a while.

Oh, and they also have to wear a pullup at night.

Also, you may want to put them in one when you go out, because peeing on their Grandma's chair probably wasn't an isolated incident.

Until Next Time, Readers!

39 comments:

  1. My children are in their 50's (amazing since I'm STILL 36) & they're ALL potty trained!!

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    1. I'm looking to you for hope, my friend.

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  2. My youngest had no interest in being a big boy and using the big boy toilet. When he was 3 I forced the issue and threw away the diapers. I swear he peed his pants on purpose for at least the next two months.

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    1. My son's still working on it, but it's been a little hit and miss. Also, there's been a zero success rate with leaving the house and maintaining progress. We can do this. We can do this. We can do this. I think.

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  3. I only have the one, can't even imagine doubling that. He wont' even look at the toilet despite proudly telling me he's the only one in his preschool class wearing diapers. Thankfully, now that I have this list it should be a BREEZE.

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    1. It's ok, Anna. We still had accidents when we went to our cousin's house yesterday, and I'm thinking there's a disconnect because my son is doing great with the peeing in the potty but not with the pooping.

      When in doubt, repeat step 1 and enjoy the rest of the week...:)

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    2. I have 4 boys. The pooping always seemed to be an issue. 4 times in and I still can't figure out why. Thankfully, everyone has moved on and I no longer worry about who has pooped, how long ago, when, etc.

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  4. THAN THE INMATE WHO DREW THE SHORT STRAW ON CAREER DAY!!!!!

    Every time, Paige. Every. Single. Time.

    P.S. Thanks for introducing me to Grace (Camp Patton). She funny! And I love the adorable kids she lets me look at ;)

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    Replies
    1. Seriously, Stephanie, the amount of pee I've scrubbed this week... *giant sigh*

      Anywho, yes, Grace is a very old friend and one of the funniest peeps ever. Unlike me, she's fun and posts pictures of her kids, updates content regularly, and is an all around awesome lady. So glad you went to visit...:)

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    2. Dude.

      You make this seem like a breeze compared to my ordeal with The Twins. How *do* you do it?

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    3. There was actually a lot more drinking at night than I let on to here. Unfortunately, it's still an ongoing process. How long until they can hold it all night? How long before we can go into public and they ask for a bathroom instead of having an accident on other people's furniture? The world may never know. Any tips on that stuff, I am your enthusiastic audience.

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  5. Thanks for the flashbacks. They're almost 7 and I occasionally assume the fetal position thinking about the nightmare that was potty training/ sleeping through the night/ eating dinner...

    It was hell.

    That is all.

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    Replies
    1. The flashbacks have already started and we're barely done.

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  6. Potty training. Sigh. I thought I was done with that. Now I have my grandbabies full time while their mom works. And I'm set to have to start potty training the first of them. Sigh.

    Sharon

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    Replies
    1. God bless you a thousand and one times! Stay strong, my dear!...:)

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  7. Oh, I do NOT miss those days at all......! I was having PTSD flashbacks just reading that post!

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    1. I used to laugh when people said they got PTSD from hearing about other people potty training, but I've become a believer. Oh, I believe.

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  8. I related to this word for word! Loved it!

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    Replies
    1. First of all, I'm so sorry. Second, thank you!

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  9. Oh how funny! I tried and gave up three times with mine. Then decided to just potty train one at a time. Less pee to clean up that way. lol
    The thing that worked best for me was letting them pee down their leg a few times. Gross yes, but pull ups never worked for me. It's just a diaper with no tabs.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, it seemed like all those accidents on the first day helped get the point across. All the accidents on the second and third days ...well, how long can a mother bang her head against a wall before she puts a dent in both?

      Also, I agree about the Pullups. Great for bedtime, but they were the crutch making everything worse during the day.

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  10. Let me just say that step 1 is crucial, and I appreciate seeing it in blog-form. Moms of older kids keep telling me to "enjoy the moment" which is a heck of a lot more fun with a margarita in hand:)

    I just waited for my older two to tel me they were ready, 2.75 and 3.75 (girl then boy) and after a week of pee everywhere we were done. Somewhere around day 4 I wanted to shove them back inside me to return them from whence they came:)

    Jessica

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    1. I'd pretty much given up on the whole thing, when they started showing interest, all of the sudden. I should've mentioned that. I fought and fought and fought them, and it wasn't until I gave up that they decided to try again. Pure exhaustion. So much booze.

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  11. I want to write a book titled "How to Potty Your Twins in 19 Months, More or Less." It will be a best seller!

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    Replies
    1. I'd buy a copy right now. Not even kidding.

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  12. That's the method I used, but luckily I only had one bladder to deal with. I don't know why I'm commenting, I'm sure you're drunk by now...

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    1. Luckily, I'm responding to this before 5pm, so I'm currently sober, but don't minimize your efforts. One bladder is still enough to test your patience and help keep the liquor store in business.

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  13. Everyone needs to do what I did with my second child. Totally and completely forget about potty training. No really, I forgot that I "should" be potty training so I started late and it took 1 day. I did the same thing with riding a bike. Forgot to take the training wheels off until 2 weeks ago. Took 'em off, ran next to him for 11 seconds, then he rode away. Being a craptastic mom has its benefits.
    Vicky
    www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

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    1. Craptastic moms, unite! Yep, I was more than happy to put it off for, um, I don't know ...forever. But they started showing interest, right as I was about to put the little potty out by the curb, so I tried to be brave. I'm so not brave.

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  14. Oh, Paige. I remember this time (and not fondly). It's hard to keep in mind that this is a season and shall pass (get it? pass?). Hang in there!
    Justin Knight- Writing Pad Dad
    Writing Pad Dad Blog

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  15. Step #5 is simply hilarious! Sooo dreading this part of parenting, and I only have one...God bless you, mom of twins.

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  16. Oh wow. As a twin mom who finished day 2 of potty training today this was just what I needed to hear. While drinking a glass of wine of course. Who knew there could be so much pee???

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  17. We have two year old twin boys. They are pretty good at the peeing part (after about a month, and lets not address the aim...). Popping is still a whole 'nother story.
    This post is a breath of fresh air, here I was suffering mommy guilt because of the amount of alcohol consumed. Twin mama's unite!
    p.s. I have a friend with triplets, I can only imagine how much booze she consumed...

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  18. buy potty training in 3 days carol cline
    I have recently started a blog, the info you provide on this site has helped me greatly. Thanks  for all of your time & work.  

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hey Paige, that was funny. Too bad I do not have twins. It sure is difficult to potty-train two minions because I can imagine what if they do not focus on their training. Maybe teach them one on one. I have a 3 year old son and I use the 3-day potty training method on him. He is already diaper-free by the fourth day.

    http://pottyeducation.com

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