Wednesday, April 24, 2013

How to Potty Train Twins: In 10 Easy Steps

Afternoon Readers,

What did I spend all last week doing? Let's jump right in...

1.) Go to the liquor store. Buy all the liquor.

2.) Resign yourself to the fact you won't be leaving your house for a week. It's ok. You bought all the liquor. Every night, you will be drunk and talking to the wall.

...Yes, I think it's adorable you think you won't. *smooshes your cheeks*

3.) Make sure you have twins. If you don't, please refrain from taking someone else's. The rest of this list isn't fun at all.

4.) Buy a small potty. Explain to the little potty it won't really enjoy its existance from here on out. Position potty in front of TV.

5.) Throw out diapers and Pullups. Run back to the trashcan, crying, and yank them back out again. Set aside for night time. Stop crying. Seriously.


We've been through this. Go read step one again.

6.) Put both children in underwear and confine them to a surface that's not carpet. Do not leave them unsupervised, no matter how bad you want to adopt them out to the hermit neighbors down the street and go look at funny cat pictures on the internet.

7.) Spend the next 24-48 hours cleaning pee off everything you own. You love that hand-embroidered pillow with your wedding date on it? Too bad it got peed on. Throw it out.

8.) By day three, your twins may be making it to the potty. They also might be watching Sponge Bob while they pee on the floor.

9.) Day four, people are both watching cartoons and making it to the potty, seventy-eight percent of the time. By this point in the week, you've cleaned more excrement than the inmate who drew the short straw on Career Day.

10.) Congratulations, your twins are potty trained! Except for the times they forget to go to the potty, have an accident in the backyard, strip down, and run around naked for a while.

Oh, and they also have to wear a pullup at night.

Also, you may want to put them in one when you go out, because peeing on their Grandma's chair probably wasn't an isolated incident.

Until Next Time, Readers!