Friday, May 31, 2013

Salvador Perez vs. The Raccoon

Afternoon Readers,

I just killed my first spider of the day, and, although it was a little unnerving to hear, "There's a spider on the couch," while staring into space in the bathroom, the situation has been dealt with and Summer is really looking up.

Except for the rain.

Yes, we're still trapped inside, staring at each other, watching the same cartoons over and over, and eating lunch meat straight out of the plastic container. Ok, that's just me, but finding bread is so exhausting. Nod your head. You agree.

But, miserable weather is also an opportune time to tell tales of brave cats.

It is. Hush.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Quick Tips For Surviving the Mall

"You wanna go to the mall, Marge?" "Only if we hit up the vodka and organic tea kiosk first, Bob."
Morning Readers,

I'm reporting to you live from the Split level, beet red, only in pain when Doc slaps my burned chest with his chubby little hand.

Sunscreen, I'm sorry I rejected you like exercise.

Fortunately for you guys, this post isn't about beaching myself out in left field and watching the Royals lose. Although, a woman as red as a lobster, sporting a maxi skirt, and using her spouse as a human shield against foul balls while she screams, "No, no, no," is a decent candidate for subject matter.

Memorial Day in Kansas turned into a small monsoon, and, not wanting to watch the children climb the blinds to see who could put their mark in the ceiling first and claim it as territory where we have no jurisdiction, Husband and I herded everyone into the van and headed to the mall, indoor mecca of all that is crowded and smells of pretzels.

So, in case you're headed that direction anytime soon, here are a few refresher tips before you jump into the fray:

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Simple Saturday: Simple Thoughts From the Split Level

Morning Readers,

Just checking in on this holiday weekend to assure you that I did, in fact, get up at 6am today, and that, yes, it was as delightful as it sounds. As such, my cognitive function is running right around "zero," I just realized I drank the last of the dregs in the coffee pot, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the sad reality that I'm too lazy to go make more.

Lazy Paige. You are as sad as the sweatshirt you've been wearing for three days.

Luckily, I received an invite from Country Girl's Daybook to participate in her "Simple Saturday" link up. It requires simple words. Simple thoughts.

So, being the simple woman I am, here are some simple things rolling around the Split Level today:

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Don't Lick The Minivan: Leanne Shirtliffe Comes to Visit

Morning Readers,

You know what's even more exciting than having a book come out in the future? That's right. A book that comes out today.  Leanne Shirtliffe and I have slowly gotten to know each other over the last couple years, and now I not only leave inappropriate Canadian jokes on her Facebook wall, but she's gotten to the point she'll admit she knows me.

We're practically BFFs. And while I wait on the matching halves of our heart necklace to be forged at a very discreet Etsy shop, Leanne keeps me entertained with stories of her twins and husband. Her kids are a little bit older though, so I'm assured frequently how much more ridiculous my life is going to get.

So, I'm overwhelmed with pride to announce that Leanne Shirtliffe's first book (buy it only if you want to hear extremely entertaining stories) has been released today, and she's traveled all the way from Canada to give some thoughts on pregnancy.

Take it away, Leanne!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Crying to Attain Maximum Drama: In Ten Fun Steps

Afternoon Readers,

I hope everyone's weekend was satisfactory. Everything at the Kellerman house flowed smoothly. All children, pets and frazzled parents accounted for, and Husband I were only required to participate in three hundred games of, "I've got something behind my back that I found outside. Guess what it is."

Possibly the most terrifying game on the planet.

But we're not gathered here today to talk about children potentially gifting their parents with heart attacks in the form of a rock or two-headed toad. Nope. I want to throw a comp tutorial on how cry in the most dramatic way possible.

Why is this necessary?

First and foremost, it's essential to know how to tap into this talent because, one day, you may win an Oscar and need to draw as much attention to yourself as possible during the acceptance speech. Remember, it goes: Hug statuette, forget to thank your spouse, weep on Gucci ballgown.

But, besides that, over-the-top crying works wonders when you're overwhelmed and need to feel sorry for yourself. Oh yes, for those of you who think I never cry, please note that this occurs while I'm pregnant, but also when I haven't slept.

I'm fairly sure I'm not pregnant, so I'm going to chalk this morning's breakdown up to only getting to sleep until 4:30am before it was time to get up for the day, courtesy of the baby, me not being able to fall back to sleep after feeding said baby, and the twins needing breakfast at 6am. 

So, let's go through the steps, shall we? Because I simply can't have you all experiencing emotional breakdowns without the proper tutelage.

No, no. It's my pleasure. No trouble at all. I'm great at complaining.

 Crying to Attain Maximum Drama: In Ten Easy Steps

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Evolution of A Question

"Well, the neighbor said mom snuck out of the country, but left a number where she could be reached, so that was dumb."

Afternoon Readers,

Now is as good a time as any to take a break from making, what I can assure you are, less than angelic Angel Food cupcakes, let the smoke clear, and drink the last of this coffee ...the times it's been reheated are no matter. It'll probably melt my face off, regardless.

(Actually, it's kind of a miracle the cupcakes were made at all, considering the rate I'm being questioned these days. I can't say I was particularly ready to move into this stage of parenting, but you can't stunt their growth with horrible crock pot recipes forever.)

The twins don't nap anymore, which is great because now they have time to fill the day with all sorts of queries. Some I can answer. Others I can't hear over the clinking of the ice in my high ball. But the good news is they're developing and curious. The bad news is they rarely accept my answer to anything.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Dumpster Diving

"All I saw was legs kicking and a lady screaming, "Is that a dead pheasant?""
 Morning Readers,

Judging by the sudden switch from bitter cold to ridiculous heat, I'd say Kansas has officially skipped spring and declared us to be in an emergency state of summer.


Honestly, I was tempted to turn on the ac yesterday, but, as we have our trusty attic fan up and working again, I couldn't really justify it. What I did justify was piling all the children in the van and heading out to do a midday car wash/ car vacuuming, because the Teddy Graham population had multiplied to such an extent, I found a petition on the steering wheel, asking that they be granted the area behind my seat as a preserve.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Look What Came In the Mail ...June 3rd, My Dears

Someone once told me a well-placed pipe in a picture lends more credibility to most authors.

Afternoon Readers,

I hope everyone had a fantastic Mother's Day, and enjoyed being pummeled in the head by multiple toddlers.

Besides the holiday, celebrating the twins birthday, and tracking down all missing parts to Mr. Potato Head and other birthday gifts, a light also shone in my mail box this weekend and I got my hands on the very first copy of the book.

So, today I'm popping in to assure you that At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle is a real, tangible thing, and that you, my dear Readers, will be able to get your own on June 3rd!

...yes, June 3rd of this year.

And stay tuned, because the week before the release may just hold some semi-non-yawn-inducing things I'm giving away, so be prepared. Not fallout shelter prepared, but you know where I'm going with this.

Ok, I'm off to go make hotdogs and cut them into boring shapes because I'm not a fun mom, but I shall regale you with a story on Wednesday, or, as I like to call it, the third Monday of the week.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Three is the Magic Number

"Is she still staring at us?"
Afternoon Readers,

I'd just to take a moment to state that the new Peanut Butter Toast Crunch tastes a little odd.

Now then, between bites of this slightly-off cereal, let's throw a group,"Happy Birthday" out to a pair of twins who are a constant source of fascination and interesting fashion choices.

Oh, wait. No, the Olsen twins aren't twenty-seven until June.

Well, that's ok, because it just so happens that Butch and Sundance turn three today. That's right, three years of semi-successful parenting, three years of random yet acceptable blog content, and three years of having the best kids in the entire world. I tend to be a little biased because they look freakishly like me and can make a mean Koolaid/ bagel swamp at mealtimes.

So, what advancements did they make this past year?

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Fan-tastical Attic Fan

"When the fan broke, I set up camp next to this wagon wheel. Not much cooler, but there's lots of spokes emphasize the rustic quality of my button downs."

Morning Readers,

You know what I love more than Strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce?


Ok, I'm kidding.

No, I'm not kidding. That gloriousness is the pinnacle of dairy confection perfection.

But, today, running a close second, is the attic fan. Do you have an attic fan? I'm not sure if they're like the noble salmon, migrating and enriching the ecosystem wherever they go, but I do know that these types of fans, snugly embedded in hallways ceilings, are extremely prominent in the Midwest.

Monday, May 6, 2013

If It Prospectively Fits, It Ships

Susan was upset the floral-print blouse she ordered didn't compliment the monkey as well as she'd hoped.

Morning Readers,

It's only 10am, and I'm already out of coffee. Which only goes to show that letting your spouse have a cup on his way out the door is a terrible idea. This isn't some sort of half-way house. What am I doing handing out coffee like I didn't want to drink all eight cups?

Get it together, Paige.

However, we gather here today to talk about shopping online, that dangerous yet exhilarating pastime akin to rolling the dice or asking Helen Keller to trim your bangs. Perhaps you don't enjoy it as much as I do, but, due to my current station in life, getting out to actual stores usually presents a problem.

What was that? No, I'm only doing one Hellen Keller joke today.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Random Saturdayness

Morning Readers,

Just popping in to tell you the breakfast bar I just ate was fabulous. And it was only a dollar?

Thrift deliciously dipped in peanut butter and chocolate is what I say.

Anywho, I was remiss in not telling you all yesterday, but I spent all Friday over visiting my friend, Kelley of Kelley's Break Room. If you like sitting in orange plastic chairs next to vending machines, and listening to me talk about stuff like sports and chili, well, head on over.

Oh, if you missed it this week, you can continue reading my randomness in the form of terrible baby shower gifts, and the moment I seriously considered moving because of the SNAKE the twins found in the backyard.

Also,  I was super excited to pop up over on Nick Mom yesterday.

Ok, I've got to go scrub Coco Puffs and chocolate milk off everything. Sundance has decided to eat cereal mostly with her hands lately, so there we are.

Until next Time, Readers!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Why'd It Have To Be Snakes?

"I don't care if you starch your shirts. What I need is a man who can punch snakes in the face."

Morning Readers,

Forgive me. I meant to fill you in on all things Kellerman yesterday, but, you see, I was still letting the shock wear off.

Shock from what?

False security, that's what. "Send them into Nature*," Husband says. "There's nothing out there." "What are you so afraid of?" "Sharks don't live in really deep puddles."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Readers, you all know myself and the outdoors don't get along. As in, don't take me camping unless you want to carry me around on your back the whole  time, and accept the possibility I will climb you like a tree frog at the first sign of danger.  But, lately, I've been trying hard to not to pass my paranoia to my offspring and let them cavort outside, communing with all things dirt-caked and bark-covered.

Big mistake.