Monday, May 20, 2013

Crying to Attain Maximum Drama: In Ten Fun Steps


Afternoon Readers,

I hope everyone's weekend was satisfactory. Everything at the Kellerman house flowed smoothly. All children, pets and frazzled parents accounted for, and Husband I were only required to participate in three hundred games of, "I've got something behind my back that I found outside. Guess what it is."

Possibly the most terrifying game on the planet.

But we're not gathered here today to talk about children potentially gifting their parents with heart attacks in the form of a rock or two-headed toad. Nope. I want to throw a comp tutorial on how cry in the most dramatic way possible.

Why is this necessary?

First and foremost, it's essential to know how to tap into this talent because, one day, you may win an Oscar and need to draw as much attention to yourself as possible during the acceptance speech. Remember, it goes: Hug statuette, forget to thank your spouse, weep on Gucci ballgown.

But, besides that, over-the-top crying works wonders when you're overwhelmed and need to feel sorry for yourself. Oh yes, for those of you who think I never cry, please note that this occurs while I'm pregnant, but also when I haven't slept.

I'm fairly sure I'm not pregnant, so I'm going to chalk this morning's breakdown up to only getting to sleep until 4:30am before it was time to get up for the day, courtesy of the baby, me not being able to fall back to sleep after feeding said baby, and the twins needing breakfast at 6am. 

So, let's go through the steps, shall we? Because I simply can't have you all experiencing emotional breakdowns without the proper tutelage.

No, no. It's my pleasure. No trouble at all. I'm great at complaining.

 Crying to Attain Maximum Drama: In Ten Easy Steps
1.) Wear ugly clothing. Anything less than a sweatshirt over a nightgown will give the appearance that you're not serious about committing to this bout of hysterics. Be dramatic. Be hideous. Be in gladiator sandals at the same time.

2.) Don't brush your hair. If you're brushing your hair, you're not directing all your attention to weeping uncontrollably. This is poor form and looked down upon by all others throwing sand on their heads and rending their garments.

3.) Remember that you are the only one who's ever raised children.

4.) Assure yourself that everyone else in the world always gets eight hours of uninterrupted sleep at night. Set your jaw so the lie doesn't slip out and sound ridiculous.

5.) Angrily unload the dishwasher. Don't cry on the silverware. This will require excess rinsing, and if we're rinsing, we're not ...? Altogether now. Fully committed to crying. Thank you.

6.) Rest forehead on doorway and weep.

7.) Put head in kitchen sink and weep.

8.) Weep while you check your email. (I didn't say this whole affair wasn't a First World problem, I simply asked you to commit.)

9.) I have it harder than anyone on the planet. Say it three times. Admittedly, this will come out more as a choke/sob, but we're really trying to sell here, so, work it.

10.) Drink some coffee. Eat some yogurt. Realize the baby is finally sleeping. Use this break to save up energy for more crying spells. Try not to be too disappointed that you're now blogging and distracted from crying.

Remember, you can't feel sorry for yourself, if you don't get the proper cry going. So let's get out there and be morose, people.*

*Exclamation mark left off sentence because this isn't your usual pep talk. Thank you.

Until Next Time, Readers!





32 comments:

  1. Great tutorial!! Have you ever thought of teaching? In your spare time, of course!!

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    1. I would teach, but that would take away so much time from crying. And I simply can't stand for that.

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  2. Thank you, Paige. I had a hunch, but you have confirmed that it IS all about me and my suffering through the trials of motherhood. I'm taking your pointers along with my PMS and the fact that my husband has been away for a week and I am going to whip up one doozy of a scene.

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    1. Well, a week without help is actually a great reason to cry, so I commend you. However, when you do decide to throw the pity party, I advise saying that it's all about you, somewhere around 800 times.

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  3. Dammit. I needed this when I was menopausal. I will cut and paste, print, and post this on the board for reference. Thank you. I have learned so much, but a little late.

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    1. It's always a good time to break down in mass hysterics, Susan. Just go for it!

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  4. I taught for a living and you my friend would make a great teacher! Enough said!!

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    1. I wonder if I could suggest a class composed of a full semester of crying to the local community college. I would've appreciated that when I was there.

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  5. Awesome! I am well on my way to being a pro...just gotta cut out the attempts at cheering myself up...thanks for the tips master Paige! <3 Devan

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    1. You stop that "cheering myself up" business, right now, Devan...;)

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  6. My favorite is #3 :) When describing myself weeping, I like to add an extra "h." Because saying "wHeeping" sounds so much more dramatic than "weeping."

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    1. I can't believe I forgot to add a section on proper pronunciation. Thank you!

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  7. How do you feel about the public cry? I feel like that could either make or break us: garners mass quantities of attention, sympathy, fear from passers-by OR we risk someone chucking something at our heads because we have confirmed HER worst fear: it's NOT all about her.

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    1. You bring up a great point, and that's why I usually try to avoid the public cry. Not only are you placing doubt in the minds of other moms who think it's all about them, but someone may call YOU out on it, and then where will you be?

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  8. These are very helpful. My go-to move is missing though: don't wash off any mascara that may be lingering from a few days ago, then go weep into your white pillowcase. a) It's a good physical indicator to all who happen into your bedroom that something tragic happened here and b) the mascara stain that won't come out will give you something extra to cry about later.

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    1. Excellent suggestion, Jessie! But remember to really rub your face into that 1000 thread count pillow, so as to leave the ENTIRE outline of your face. You can use it to scare your husband later.

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  9. Great advice, I'm weeping as I write this.

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    1. I knew I could count on you to both weep and type. You are a true multi-tasker, Mr. Van Helsing.

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  10. This is awesome- the sweatshirt over the nightgown? Been there, done that, own it. I just shared this my personal and blog Facebook pages!
    Awesome!
    Vicky
    www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing! And keep weeping on that sweatshirt. Make me proud!

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  11. I think the unbrushed hair and sweatshirt over the nightgown are the cornerstones of any really good emotional dam breakage because who can take someone's mental breakdown seriously if they are wearing pants. Not it.

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    1. Wearing pants can give a false signal that one has it all together. Good catch, my friend.

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  12. Thank you! This is very helpful, I will tape this to my fridge!! :)

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    1. Remember to cry against the fridge as well. Fridges love that!

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  13. I love you. Thank you. So helpful and so useful for all the planned drama I have coming up in attempt to get more attention from my husband.

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    1. Husband loves it when I cry, especially when it doesn't stop and I wipe my eyes on his shirt. You're gonna be great!

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  14. I'm hanging this on my fridge, for quick reference. I just started my period, so it'll probably come in handy sooner rather than later...

    (Found you through the artist formerly known as 'Ninja Mom' fyi, and I am totally following your ass.)

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    1. I'm going to go squeeze Ninja Mom and thank her for sending you over. Welcome! And, yes. The sooner the better. Get out there and cry. Cry like you've never cried before!

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  15. All those drama classes I was lamenting I missed? Not needed anymore. Thank you for saving me time, money and showing me how to manipulate through tears with the best of them! Can't wait to put this into action. In fact, I feel some tears coming on in 3, 2, 1...

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    1. Although I never remember to use coupons, I love getting things for free, so these lessons are totally on the house ...but I'll stop talking. I don't want to get in the way of what sounds like a fantastic bout of crying. Go get em', sister!

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