You know what's even more exciting than having a book come out in the future? That's right. A book that comes out today. Leanne Shirtliffe and I have slowly gotten to know each other over the last couple years, and now I not only leave inappropriate Canadian jokes on her Facebook wall, but she's gotten to the point she'll admit she knows me.
We're practically BFFs. And while I wait on the matching halves of our heart necklace to be forged at a very discreet Etsy shop, Leanne keeps me entertained with stories of her twins and husband. Her kids are a little bit older though, so I'm assured frequently how much more ridiculous my life is going to get.
So, I'm overwhelmed with pride to announce that Leanne Shirtliffe's first book (buy it only if you want to hear extremely entertaining stories) has been released today, and she's traveled all the way from Canada to give some thoughts on pregnancy.
Take it away, Leanne!
Top 9 Funny Pregnancy Tips
When my mom had babies, pregnancy was measured in months. When I had babies, gestation was measured in weeks. To keep evolving, women need to start measuring their time knocked up in minutes: 403,200 to be precise. Someone should write a song about that. A dirge.
That above fact was your bonus pregnancy tip, the prize in the box of Cracker Jacks. Without further ado, here are the Top 9 Funny Pregnancy Tips, as taken from my humor book, Don’t Lick the Minivan:
1. Avoid looking in the mirror during pregnancy. Denial is an excellent strategy that will help you once your child is born.
2. Misbehave during prenatal classes. Nothing is going to go according to plan anyway.
3. Measure the progress of your pregnancy with a walk–into–the–wall contest. ("Progress" being a very loose term.)
4. During pregnancy (or any other time), if your husband comments that you have the measurements of an NFL player, it's perfectly legal to throw a book at him.
5. Give bizarre names to your fetus. Like Cletus.
6. Record all the stupid things people say to you while pregnant. Stop after you give birth; you won't have enough free time to jot down the stupid things people say to parents.
7. Embraces fluctuations in your bra size; the fluctuations in your other sizes aren't nearly as fun.
8. Read the fine print and the non-existent return policy before you get knocked up.
9. Lying is an invaluable strategy for parents. Start practicing as soon as you’re pregnant.
What other pregnancy tips would you add to the list, facetious or not? What kind of advice were you given?
Leanne Shirtliffe is the author of DON'TLICK THE MINIVAN: Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids. She’s also the mother of tween twins, a phrase that’s hard to say after two glasses of wine. She writes for the Huffington Post and Nickelodeon's NickMom.com and has been published by The Christian Science Monitor, The Calgary Herald, and The Globe and Mail. When she’s not wasting brain cells tweeting, she teaches teens who are slightly less hormonal than she is. She lives in Calgary because she likes complaining about the weather.
Buy Leanne’s book. Money will go to support her children’s therapy. Or her own.
Until Next Time, Readers!