Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Dumpster Diving

"All I saw was legs kicking and a lady screaming, "Is that a dead pheasant?""
 Morning Readers,

Judging by the sudden switch from bitter cold to ridiculous heat, I'd say Kansas has officially skipped spring and declared us to be in an emergency state of summer.

Yay.

Honestly, I was tempted to turn on the ac yesterday, but, as we have our trusty attic fan up and working again, I couldn't really justify it. What I did justify was piling all the children in the van and heading out to do a midday car wash/ car vacuuming, because the Teddy Graham population had multiplied to such an extent, I found a petition on the steering wheel, asking that they be granted the area behind my seat as a preserve.

I hate being bossed around by cookies, so off we went, through the car wash and straight to the area designated for cleaning horror out of vehicles. The baby spent this brief journey recovering from the near death experience by giant, soapy brushes.

Luckily, he tried to stick his chubby fist in my coffee this morning, so I believe he's forgiven me.

Chocolate bears cleaned out, trash thrown away, it wasn't until I went to start the van that I realized we had no keys with which to bring our loan-laden carriage roaring to life. *This spot left vacant to insert necessary panic*

I looked at the children. "Where are the keys?" As I received nothing in response except for wide eyes implying I was an idiot, I began the frantic search. Had I eaten them while digging through the stray cookies? Did someone steal them and not the car? Had I ....

Son of a motherless goat.

What happened became abundantly clear as I stared at the covered public trashcan. I'd left my phone at home, there was no one to save me. And so, I dove, headfirst, into what can only be described as the place where all items that should never be touched live.

Me: Good afternoon, trashcan.
Trashcan: Mam.
Me: You don't mind if I shimmy under your foot-high covering and do some exploring, do you?
Trashcan: It happens more than you think.
Me: Really?
Trashcan: No. I was trying to make you feel better. Go ahead.
Me: It's so dark down here. What was that? Did that move? No, it was just an air freshener. Ok, that's either a wrapper or old toilet paper. That looks like a foot. Alright, I'm out of here.

Just as my desperation reached fever pitch, something shiny came into view, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Legs failing, I emerged,victorious.

So, remember, kids. Either leave those bad boys in the ignition or on the seat, because no one wants to think they feel a foot at the bottom of a trashcan.

Until Next Time, Readers!


18 comments:

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    1. Almost my thought, word for word, except for the missing expletives.

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  2. Son of a motherless goat.
    That is totally my new catch phrase.

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    1. Ha! It actually popped into my mind and I had to Google where I'd heard it. That phrase is from The Three Amigos, and I really need to watch it again.

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  3. Ugh that's bad, but of course could be worse - you found thoste motherlessing goat keys at least!

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    1. Exactly. If I hadn't found them, I'm pretty sure I'd have made news as the uncontrollably weeping woman at the car wash.

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  4. hahahahahaha...GROSS! You a good woman!
    I often fear locking my keys, phone, and ID badge in my car when I get to work at midnight, leaving me to cry in a dark parking lot till morning. I tripple check the keys in hand...
    Good job mama! <3 Devan

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    1. I used to work late at night too, and was terrified I'd lock myself out. Stay safe, my friend!...:)

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  5. Thanking god you found them, but thanks for the warning, because I lose my keys all the time and this is just bound to happen to me someday. I only hope I can remember to use the phrase son of a motherless goat, when it does!!!

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    1. I'm starting to think that's a phrase that can be easily worked into every day life. I say we put in the honest effort to use it as much as possible.

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  6. I usually find my keys in the Lego bin. Followed by the ever convincing refrain of "Well, YOU put them there, Mom!" Riiiiiiiiight.

    Great post. New reader here, will be back to check out more soon!

    best,
    MOV

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    1. The things I've found in the toy been never cease to amaze me. I'm usually met with casual stares that suggest the perpetrators knew nothing of the coverup. Thanks so much for joining the club!

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  7. NOOOOOOOO!!!! Bless you, woman. Bless and wash you.

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  8. Don't you watch "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation"?? There could have been a body in there! Send in one of the boys next time.

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    1. I should've. Note to self: NEVER leave home with out phone, ever again.

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  9. I would have panicked, dived and then found the keys in my back pocket 'cuz that's how we roll around here. Glad you found them and you were able to get those scary bears removed.

    Sharon

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  10. One again, Paige Kellerman, you have proved yourself to be my personal hero. Your valor and bravery awe me.

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