Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Quick Tips For Surviving the Mall

"You wanna go to the mall, Marge?" "Only if we hit up the vodka and organic tea kiosk first, Bob."
Morning Readers,

I'm reporting to you live from the Split level, beet red, only in pain when Doc slaps my burned chest with his chubby little hand.

Sunscreen, I'm sorry I rejected you like exercise.

Fortunately for you guys, this post isn't about beaching myself out in left field and watching the Royals lose. Although, a woman as red as a lobster, sporting a maxi skirt, and using her spouse as a human shield against foul balls while she screams, "No, no, no," is a decent candidate for subject matter.

Memorial Day in Kansas turned into a small monsoon, and, not wanting to watch the children climb the blinds to see who could put their mark in the ceiling first and claim it as territory where we have no jurisdiction, Husband and I herded everyone into the van and headed to the mall, indoor mecca of all that is crowded and smells of pretzels.

So, in case you're headed that direction anytime soon, here are a few refresher tips before you jump into the fray:

Victoria's Secret Pink Store: 

Take your baby in here. I found trying to push my stroller against the tide of nineteen-year-olds not only reminded me how old I am, but also that my idea of "medium" was their idea of a size that doesn't exist.

"The tent and rug emporium is next to the map kiosk," I was informed.

The Food Court:

Buy one Chinese entree and distribute forks to all members of your family. Once there are four or more of you, it becomes a live re-enactment of The Hunger Games, and the other three hundred patrons will thank you for the entertainment.

"I've never seen a family vie for the affection of a Crab Rangoon like that. Their baby looked like he was going to stab someone with that straw. Can babies stab people?" - Mike's Pizza Employee

The Carousel:

Jam packed with ponies, swans, and other strangely-molded, sometimes-legless animals, the carousel is a great way to burn any extra cash you have laying around the ATM. While the rest of the family climbed aboard, Doc and I stayed on the ground and waived. Everyone had a great time.

Me: Thank for taking them. That looked like a lot of fun.
Husband: I feel sick. Next time, you're going.

If you're still looking for things to do, here are some additional suggestions...
  • Head to Barnes and Noble and spend the entire trip convincing your child the book she picked out is one she already has at home and reads constantly.
  • Ask the electronic cigarette guy to watch your kids while you sit and smoke for the rest of the trip.
  • See if cast off teething cookies are acceptable currency yet at the Gap.
Honestly, there's so much to do at the mall these days, I was slightly overwhelmed ...or it could've been all the fried rice I ate.

Until Next Time, Readers!




16 comments:

  1. I ended up at the mall, too because we also had a bit of a monsoon on our hands Saturday. Thankfully, my husband watched them at home, while I went by myself, but you accurately described the scene had we made this one a family trip, lol!!

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    1. Part of me is a teensy bit jealous. By yourself, you say? If I ever go by myself, I'll be first in line for the carousel.

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  2. Oh that's hilarious, I always wonder why you can never find a clock in a mall?

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    1. It's like a casino. They want you to get sucked into a timeless void where you just keep buying cookies and incense because you have no idea what time it is.

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  3. Someone should place posters of pregnant women wearing Victoria's Secret undies right outside the door of the store.

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    1. Yes! I think I'm going to write that letter.

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  4. Oh the mall, we go there but I have no idea why because there is not actually any shopping that gets done.

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    1. Never any shopping, but we do manage to get fried rice all over the food court.

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  5. I feel as if we have reenacted the food court while going out for ice cream...my son really takes the song "I scream for ice cream" to heart.

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    1. I can't blame him. It's nothing short of crazy, trying to navigate through the sandwich and pizza lines. Pure insanity, I tell you.

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  6. Victoria's Secret doesn't have my size either; according to them, I need a bedspread. So there's that. AND our mall took our the carousal. I think they're trying to kill us.

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    1. A Victoria's Secret and no carousel? That should be criminal.

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  7. Oh, Paige, Paige, Paige... *sigh* "Enjoy it while you still can." That said, I hate the mall more than ever these days. When my kids were little ones, they didn't even know you had to go to a store to buy toys, shoes & clothing because I ordered most of their stuff from online catalogs. Also, I was lucky enough when we did go to a retail establishment to have sometime, somehow gotten it into their wee little heads that the only thing I was buying was what I (Me... MOM) needed. Since then, they have been nothing but a pleasure to take out shopping with me (except the few years that I was stressed from The Hubs working out of the country and I'd threaten them to "get along or get out" or "behave or you are riding the bus home" every other time we went to Target). Anyway... back to the Mall. We recently relocated back to Southern California (ugh) after 13 years living here, there & everywhere. *sigh* Anywho, my daughters are now in their late teens, have very conservative taste in clothes, and have no interest in impressing anyone based on their appearance. Lately a trip to the mall is out of desperation or boredom, also we are lucky enough to have the one Barnes & Noble within a 50+ mile radius, and for this we are thankful, sadly it is not in our budget to purchase books nor do we have the room to set up a library in tiny rental we live in. I can't even express how much I hate the mall experience! Why you ask? Because of my now grown kids. Both my son and I have fits at the ogling by young men and old that my daughters are subjected to. It infuriates me. The blatant judgement and in-your-face once-overs from girls and women are unsettling. My husband and I recently went shopping for jeans for him - and this pissed me off beyond measure - I was approached and asked in another language what I learned translated into "Have you been helped?" On the way home The Hubs (who lived out of the country for three years) stated that shopping at the mall in Palm Desert, CA felt more like a foreign shopping excursion then when he actually lived IN MEXICO. P.S. I haven't shopped at VS in about 20 years. *ugh* & *sigh*

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  8. I'm not going to lie, L, your mall experience does sound a tad stressful. I can't blame you for being frustrated with it, especially having to adjust to a new area.

    That said, it doesn't matter what mall you go to, Victoria's Secret will always only carry sizes for a small mouse or miniature tea cup poodle. We can't win.

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  9. Perfect timing! We're headed to the mall today. The Missus doesn't want to "sit around in this heat all day". Never mind that the A/C was cranking all day. Thanks for your survival tips!
    Justin Knight- Writing Pad Dad
    Writing Pad Dad Blog

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  10. Sounds like oak park at its finest.

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