Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Quick Tips For Surviving the Mall

"You wanna go to the mall, Marge?" "Only if we hit up the vodka and organic tea kiosk first, Bob."
Morning Readers,

I'm reporting to you live from the Split level, beet red, only in pain when Doc slaps my burned chest with his chubby little hand.

Sunscreen, I'm sorry I rejected you like exercise.

Fortunately for you guys, this post isn't about beaching myself out in left field and watching the Royals lose. Although, a woman as red as a lobster, sporting a maxi skirt, and using her spouse as a human shield against foul balls while she screams, "No, no, no," is a decent candidate for subject matter.

Memorial Day in Kansas turned into a small monsoon, and, not wanting to watch the children climb the blinds to see who could put their mark in the ceiling first and claim it as territory where we have no jurisdiction, Husband and I herded everyone into the van and headed to the mall, indoor mecca of all that is crowded and smells of pretzels.

So, in case you're headed that direction anytime soon, here are a few refresher tips before you jump into the fray:

Victoria's Secret Pink Store: 

Take your baby in here. I found trying to push my stroller against the tide of nineteen-year-olds not only reminded me how old I am, but also that my idea of "medium" was their idea of a size that doesn't exist.

"The tent and rug emporium is next to the map kiosk," I was informed.

The Food Court:

Buy one Chinese entree and distribute forks to all members of your family. Once there are four or more of you, it becomes a live re-enactment of The Hunger Games, and the other three hundred patrons will thank you for the entertainment.

"I've never seen a family vie for the affection of a Crab Rangoon like that. Their baby looked like he was going to stab someone with that straw. Can babies stab people?" - Mike's Pizza Employee

The Carousel:

Jam packed with ponies, swans, and other strangely-molded, sometimes-legless animals, the carousel is a great way to burn any extra cash you have laying around the ATM. While the rest of the family climbed aboard, Doc and I stayed on the ground and waived. Everyone had a great time.

Me: Thank for taking them. That looked like a lot of fun.
Husband: I feel sick. Next time, you're going.

If you're still looking for things to do, here are some additional suggestions...
  • Head to Barnes and Noble and spend the entire trip convincing your child the book she picked out is one she already has at home and reads constantly.
  • Ask the electronic cigarette guy to watch your kids while you sit and smoke for the rest of the trip.
  • See if cast off teething cookies are acceptable currency yet at the Gap.
Honestly, there's so much to do at the mall these days, I was slightly overwhelmed ...or it could've been all the fried rice I ate.

Until Next Time, Readers!