Thursday, May 2, 2013

Why'd It Have To Be Snakes?

"I don't care if you starch your shirts. What I need is a man who can punch snakes in the face."

Morning Readers,

Forgive me. I meant to fill you in on all things Kellerman yesterday, but, you see, I was still letting the shock wear off.

Shock from what?

False security, that's what. "Send them into Nature*," Husband says. "There's nothing out there." "What are you so afraid of?" "Sharks don't live in really deep puddles."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Readers, you all know myself and the outdoors don't get along. As in, don't take me camping unless you want to carry me around on your back the whole  time, and accept the possibility I will climb you like a tree frog at the first sign of danger.  But, lately, I've been trying hard to not to pass my paranoia to my offspring and let them cavort outside, communing with all things dirt-caked and bark-covered.

Big mistake.

For, just as I'd begun to throw my arms wide and wave pleasantly at passing ants, Butch and Sundance marched up to me and presented ...a snake.

Event as it is recalled by me.

As the sudden realization that the two-foot-long, black, inch-in-diameter horror was not a toy set in, I did what any rational person would do, and started screaming things that didn't make sense.

"Mama. Look what we found."

"Drop it. Drop it, right now. Drop it before we all get rabies, the house caves in and we all die."

"Look at it mama."

"Children. Put down the snake. Snakes bite. Oh Lordy, they're coming for us. Board up the windows. Board up the windows, I say!"

The snake, which I'd by then calculated to be roughly thirty feet long with venom dripping from fangs, was promptly dropped in the grass, the twins whisked inside to be thoroughly washed down, and careful observation of the specimen commenced from the kitchen window.

We were never going in the backyard again. Who owned a backyard? Not the Kellermans.

Thankfully, Grandpa showed up just in time to declare the beast dead, tag it and bag it. After a careful investigation was conducted, the following facts were extracted from the twins:

Flea brought them the snake.
The snake was talking.
The snake wasn't moving when they picked it up.

I've decided that two out of three of those things is probably true. But you're still not going to see me go camping.

*Nature is capitalized on this blog because it scares the crap out of me.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. I assume your idea of roughing it is staying in a cabin with a large screen TV & the internet, but no room service!!

  2. Kids are essentially fearless and only pick up phobias from their parents reactions. Therefore your kids are probably now terrified of snakes.

  3. Holy crap, I would have died, just died right there. If that ever happens to me we are moving pronto.

  4. I wouldve crapped and fainted. My mother lives in town and last year had a rattlesnake (yes, I said rattlesnake) in her backyard. Last week, there was a 4 foot long rat snake UNDER HER BED!!! She couldn't sleep there for a week. And she lives in a nice suburb in Anytown, USA, not the brush of Australia.. And I'm really pissed because Im terrified to let my kids go over there and now I've been deprived of a sitter. That's nothing to take likely.

  5. Absolutely the best call to just get rid of the whole backyard. This is exactly what I would do and then my husband would fall in love with me just a little bit more for being so logical. You are so brave for handling this situation, Paige Kellerman!

  6. I feel you on every level. I saw a snake at my parents' house in Texas 2 weeks ago and nearly packed up our things and flew home immediately. I got no love for snakes.

  7. LOL! You are so funny! Yeah, I would have freaked too...nice knowing ya, back yard. Fuck off. :) <3 Devan

  8. So with you on this one and shake my hand, because I am so not an outdoors person. We don't have snakes here, but if we did your reaction would have been mine!!

  9. My sister-in-law convinced her husband to move their family of six kids after seeing snakes in the yard. No joke.

  10. Can I tell you a story about the time I was in my new back yard that was a dirt pile rather than lush green grass? Good, thanks: we had just moved in and I was hanging out looking to see where we could build our underground bunker (storms are to Stephanie as snakes are to Paige)when I saw a rubber snake. My brother had been over earlier in the day and I was sure he put the thing there in an attempt to make me wet myself in front of the new neighbors. NOT THIS GAL! I chuckled to myself as I bent over to get it, only interrupted by my husband calling from over yonder. When I turned back to the snake IT. WAS. GONE. I was *thisclose* to picking up a REAL snake.

    I went inside and changed my pants.

    Nature is the devil's plaything.

  11. Question: Do I have a total blog crush on you that I've finally felt comfortable admitting to?

    Answer: Duh.

    Take away point: Please don't call the authorities on me.

    And I would have dropped dead when I saw that snake. For reals.

  12. Just found your blog link on "5 kids" and you are now going on my favorites bar, all because you hate camping (soulmate of mine) and snakes.I would havewet myself had a child brought that to me (and possibly found a realtor).
    I spent yesterday morning feeling a little guilty about killing a big black spider that was hiding in my HUGE tub, until I realized he was just waiting for me to go to bed so that he could crawl up my nostril...