Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Take Us Out to the Ballgame ...if you're brave enough

When your internet isn't working, you take the first free picture you can find off Wikipedia. In this case, that free thing is a giant baseball. Enjoy.

Afternoon Readers,

My internet is doing the dance of death today, so if there are more disjointed thoughts than usual in this post, please know that it’s a technology problem and not my usual literary prowess.

Now then, by way of wearing tinfoil hat while holding onto my computer, my faulty signal and I shall try and relay this past weekend’s events. Because what’s better than toting three kids under four to their first baseball game?

Besides pajama jeans.

Right, so initially I branded Husband’s plan to grab the tickets, throw jerseys on our little fan club and position them in front of neatly kept grass as a tad bit crazy. But after we nixed thoughts of leaving them on the neighbor’s lawn, we found ourselves color-coordinated and on the way to Kauffman stadium.

Guest Announcer: Folks, this one for the record books. Let's see what happened...

1st Inning:  All children are assigned seats and distributed one soft pretzel with cheese. The baby finishes his formula and thinks it might be nice to try and throw his bottle at the row in front of us.  Play ball.

2nd Inning: Fastest game in history of I Spy is recorded. i.e. “I spy something white and it’s home plate!”

3rd Inning : Sundance declares she is not a fan of pretzels and cheese but will try and entertain the baby, who’s eagerly trying to crawl under the seats and go home with someone from the opposing team.

4th Inning: Fly ball lands right next to our seats. Husband makes it clear that he would’ve had it, but chose to protect Sundance instead. He seems slightly conflicted about this, but hides his shifty eyes in a conveniently-placed beer glass.

5th Inning: I go to the bathroom four times in this inning. None of these trips are to relieve myself, but to watch futilely the children who claim to have to go, yet miraculous don’t have to once we make it to the stall. The doorman looks confused until I explain with, “It’s ok. I didn’t want to watch the game anyway.”

6th Inning: The baby begins clapping and cheering, sure that the thousands of others clapping and cheering are finally recognizing how hilarious he is.

7th Inning: The Kellermans tap out and head to the fountains to dunk all three toasty children.

Final Score: This author is unsure, but thinks it may have been something close to 2 melted chocolate malts to 3 sips of her own drink.

But still, we’ll call it a success.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, June 24, 2013

I Wasn't Even Late to This One...

Attack of the thirty pounds of bronzer...

Afternoon Readers,

So, I made it to today's interview, with time to spare. And I wore makeup, and showered beforehand, and drank coffee to simulate an alert individual.

Here's the proof.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Friday, June 21, 2013

What Do You Get the Man Who Has Stuff You've Already Given Him?

"I was going to wait for our five year, but then I thought, "No, any time's a good time for a giant wheel."

Morning Readers,

Ya know, you start posting on Tuesday instead of Monday, and then, before you know it, it's Friday, and you just sit there staring at the wall, wondering...

"Why do I always think that scuff spot is a spider?"

"Maybe it's a really old spider after all."

"I think my anniversary's next month and I have no idea what to get Husband."

"Spiders make terrible gifts."

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

How To Almost Not Be On TV

A great way to sell books is to have whatever TV station you're working with confuse you with a mass murderer.

Afternoon Readers,

Well, it happened. But just barely. While I sit here and eat bits of rotisserie chicken, I can't help reflect on yesterday's undertaking. And, while I could wax eloquently about my journey from coffee pot to screen, it's really better I put it in a list.

1.) Wake children up at ungodly hour. While same offspring are eating breakfast, try to do your hair. Realize that child is throwing up downstairs. Put hair in crappy ponytail.

2.) Convince all children that, although the sun's not up, it's time to get dressed and get in the van. Throw all things needed to get ready into the van. It's fine. You're still running on schedule.

3.) Drop all children off, get dressed, realize you are now running behind schedule, and you also have no idea where you're going.

Friday, June 14, 2013

A Little Off the Bottom

"What do you mean it's too casual? These are my formal pigtails."

Morning Readers,

I know I just mentioned it on Facebook, but let the record show that pairing coffee and sea salt and cracked pepper chips falls somewhere around a horrible idea.

It's tastes like what you'd imagine a shipwreck in a coffee bean field would taste like.

Did I tell you I'm going to be on TV?


Yes, that was the worst segue in the history of segues. Even worse than the time I moved from a conversation about pillows to a conversation about fly fishing with, "Sometimes the noble salmon is eaten because that's nature's way."

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Fanmail Wednesday and The Hall of Cankles

"Dear Justin Timberlake ....Thank you for bringing sexy back."
Afternoon Readers,

You know what I realized while I ate my flax seed waffle and peanut butter this morning?

Well, obviously. The word "flax" is just fun to say. Flaaaaaaax. But, no.

It occurred to me we haven't done a Fanmail Day in quite some time. I also said that the last time we did a Fanmail day, so I'm starting to think it's not so much I'm forgetting to do them, as the nature of the thing has become to only do them once a century. Yes. that sounds good.

Remember, kids. If you put a giant, shiny bow on procrastination, it becomes ingenuity.

That also sounded good and not accurate at all. Ok, where was I?

Ahh, yes. Time to answer your burning questions sent via Google search engine. In case you're wondering, I don't get offended you don't ask me in person. Queries submitted by inadvertently finding this website are just fine with me. That's what friends do.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Lame Sandwhiches

"I think she thinks I think she thinks I think they're great ...but they're actually not."
Afternoon Readers,

You've caught me in the middle of trying to decide whether to tote all the children to the petting zoo today or do housework. Try not to get chased by goats or vacuum the cracker piles threatening to start an ant colony under the twins beds upstairs?

Both are unsavory interactions with Nature. Then again, if I find enough ants, perhaps I can convince the children we actually went to the petting zoo.

As complex as that choice seems, however, it's nothing compared to trying to find things to make Husband for lunch. Yes, when I decided to embark on this housewifery gig, I decided I'd do my best to try and find sustenance for my spouse on a daily basis. He does, after all, split the body wash and toothpaste evenly with me, so why not.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Cankle Giveaway Winners!

"I just love the new toaster I won. Oh's a car?"
Morning Readers,

I'd like to start today by thanking each and everyone of you for making book release week a success.

Thank You! *Bows deeply while trying not to rip old, pink, butterfly pajama pants*

Cankles has stayed stayed steady in the top 20 for "Parenting Humor" on Kindle this week, and it wouldn't be there without you guys.

Now then, let's take a look at the winners, shall we?

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

How To Enhance The Horror Movie Experience

"Honey? Get a shoe. There's a spider in the lagoon again."

Afternoon Readers,

I'd like to start today by saying Thank You for all of the kind, enthusiastic, and downright awesome comments I received on Book Day. It took all I had not to drive to all of your houses and hug the daylights out of you.

The time it would take to sort out all those restraining orders kept me at bay. Always with the feet dragging, me and paperwork...

On the great news front, At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles is sitting squarely at #12 on Kindle books for "Parenting Humor," so I'm not only super grateful to you guys for making it happen, but I've also ingested about eight cups of coffee in celebration, so a high five for unstable hand motions all around. Also, if you haven't entered the super fabulous giveaway, click here.

Now then, if any of you can think of anything worse than being betrayed in your own bed, throw it at me.


Yes, licking chips and sticking them back into the dip ruffles my feathers too, but no.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Happy Book Day! Those Who Love Cool Stuff, Gather Round!

Happy Book Day, everyone!

I know I normally tell you "Good Morning," but, please know it's implied and I hope all of your mornings are currently being filled with perfectly-browned toast, over easy eggs that don't break when you flip them, and power bars that don't taste like chalk.

I love you all that much.

Initially, the excitement from today got to my hands and I almost produced a post that looked like this, "nuoghsdbvuhbbaowueh$5673nbnjvoampodv." (Of course there's a period at the end. I'm a professional.) But, I got them under control, and, thankfully, I will continue the rest of this entry in a composed manner.

....did I mention it's Book Day?

At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle has hit the shelves, ladies and gentlemen.

"But, what's in it for me?" You say.

I see your point. What is Paige Kellerman, if not a shameless pusher of her debut work, bent on pushing her book shamelessly? ...A really decent juggler, actually. But that's another post for another time. Rings, scarves, a buried desire to joint the circus. It's all very complex.

So, here's the deal. I've got prizes. Let's take a look at the showcase. Bob?