Wednesday, June 5, 2013

How To Enhance The Horror Movie Experience

"Honey? Get a shoe. There's a spider in the lagoon again."

Afternoon Readers,

I'd like to start today by saying Thank You for all of the kind, enthusiastic, and downright awesome comments I received on Book Day. It took all I had not to drive to all of your houses and hug the daylights out of you.

The time it would take to sort out all those restraining orders kept me at bay. Always with the feet dragging, me and paperwork...

On the great news front, At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles is sitting squarely at #12 on Kindle books for "Parenting Humor," so I'm not only super grateful to you guys for making it happen, but I've also ingested about eight cups of coffee in celebration, so a high five for unstable hand motions all around. Also, if you haven't entered the super fabulous giveaway, click here.

Now then, if any of you can think of anything worse than being betrayed in your own bed, throw it at me.

What?

Yes, licking chips and sticking them back into the dip ruffles my feathers too, but no.

From my position under the covers, nose stuffed up, wondering why NyQuil didn't come in easy to open, twelve ounce cans, I watched Jennifer Lawrence fashionably sport an off-the-shoulder top while stupidly crawl into a hole in someone's basement.

Ladies, let's stop doing this. I don't care if there's a house at the end of your street making weird sounds. You can't change people. Stay out of the hole.

I wheezed and pulled the comforter over my eyes. "Jennifer, stop. There aren't anymore Academy Awards down there."

Too late. I heard her scream, and just as I poked my head back out to assess the damage, a black spot on the blanket caught my eye. Had that spot always been there? I made sure to wash the comforter at least once a year, but had I become that inept?

Through the dark, I looked at Husband and back at the spot. And back at Husband. And back at the spot.

It couldn't be.

The room was dark. Surely J. Lawrence's unnecessary accoustic guitar-playing scene had me spooked.

But, no.

It moved.

Lord, save us all.

Husband almost fell out of bed. "What are you doing?"

Clinging to the ceiling fan, I fumbled around for the light. "The light. The light. I can't find the light. There's a spider in our bed, and I can't find the light. What good is Edison's invention, if it isn't there in times of crisis?" 

"You've overreacting. Here, I'll just.."

"You killed it with your hand."

"I did."

"That's so manly. I find you so attractive right now, I feel like you should be on a calendar or something. Maybe an expensive block of Post It notes."

He sighed. "Bring me some toilet paper."

*Paige runs off to retrieve disposal supplies*

"You didn't have to bring the entire roll of toilet paper."

"You don't bring a knife to a gun fight."

"What?"

The important thing here, is that the spider's gone, but I've spent the last few nights learning how to trust again.

So, I'd like to remind all of you to remember to stock adequate amounts of toilet paper, and if you happen to watch The House At the End of the Street, it's really not that bad.

Until Next Time, Readers!



21 comments:

  1. This is hilarious... though I do totally understand what you mean. I had a similar situation recently with ants. I hate ants.

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    1. We're also currently being attacked by ants. Spring, why must you be such a drag this year?

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  2. Ok, first I am so not sure where I was on Monday or why I didn't see that post. I am subscribed and never got an e-mail letting me know of a new post that I remember. But I apologize, because I so would have been hear congratulating you. Awesome that your book is #12 and so deserving. NEed to check it out and huge congrats again, Paige!! :)

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    1. I'm so sorry you didn't get it, Janine! I checked the RSS feed, and everything seems to be in order, but I don't trust technology, so if it happens again, please holler at me. And thank you so much, my dear!

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  3. Congratulations on being #12--you deserve it!!

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    1. No, you're not. But that tip wasn't really aimed at you because your last name is Van Helsing ...and whatever is at the bottom of those holes is probably afraid of you already...;)

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  5. "You don't bring a knife to a gun fight." Bwahahahaha!!! I've had such a long day and that just made it all better.......

    Sharon

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    1. I do what I can to brighten your day...:) But it's still sound advice.

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  6. "Jennifer, stop. There aren't any more Academy Awards down there." :) Who knew that I could laugh so hard before 7am on a Thursday morning? And P.S.- I totally have a crush on Ms. Lawrence.

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    1. She's highly entertaining, for sure. I think the caliber of the movie was raised because she was in it. But she didn't need to go unnecessarily risking her life by climbing into that hole.

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  7. "I've spent the last few nights learning how to trust again" - Hahahahaha! That's exactly what it's like after a spider-in-the-bed incident! This was hilarious.

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    1. Thank you! And yes, it is one of life's biggest betrayals. The place where you sleep should not also be the place you're most terrified of. It causes unsightly circles and bedhead.

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  8. #12??? Woot! You rock, woman!

    And I agree, manly spider smashing is totally attractive - *after* the spider guts have been thoroughly cleaned off. With acid. And a blow torch.

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    1. This comment just made me laugh so hard I might have given myself a hernia. And thank you! Couldn't have done it without you, friend!

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  9. With your book at #12 and your manly man of a husband crushing nature in his bare hands, I predict a celebration baby is approximately 9 months ;)

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    1. True. True. I'm totally game for that. And then the baby would get here and buy the book. And then I could move to #11! ...or is that not how it works?

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