Monday, June 10, 2013

Lame Sandwhiches

"I think she thinks I think she thinks I think they're great ...but they're actually not."
Afternoon Readers,

You've caught me in the middle of trying to decide whether to tote all the children to the petting zoo today or do housework. Try not to get chased by goats or vacuum the cracker piles threatening to start an ant colony under the twins beds upstairs?

Both are unsavory interactions with Nature. Then again, if I find enough ants, perhaps I can convince the children we actually went to the petting zoo.

As complex as that choice seems, however, it's nothing compared to trying to find things to make Husband for lunch. Yes, when I decided to embark on this housewifery gig, I decided I'd do my best to try and find sustenance for my spouse on a daily basis. He does, after all, split the body wash and toothpaste evenly with me, so why not.

The mustached part of the duo works much too far away to come home for lunch, so my lack of culinary skills and I try and try again to send scrumptious* things along with him.

*I promise never to use the word "scrumptious" again. It just didn't feel right.

Unfortunately, the lack of culinary abilities on my part tended to stand in the way of finding anything satisfying to throw in the old cooler. (Although, there are starving hermits the world over who would appreciate the finesse with which I can shot put a piece of bread, Pop Tart, and can of beans into a lunch bag.)

Crackers became "tiny, fancy pieces of toast."
Chips ...a main course if the proper optimism is utilized.
Beef jerky. The settlers called it the "breakfast, lunch and dinner of the prairie," and so can you.

When I found the pre-made deli sandwiches at the grocery store, I thought I'd found a winner. And so, I bought them incessantly. Husband couldn't pass me without getting a turkey, lettuce and tomato thrown at his head.

"Sandwich?"

"I'm in the shower."

"But it has Swiss and roast beef."

Up until Thursday, I lived in a world where my man was perfectly pacified with all sorts of deli delicacies. But that was the era directly before he turned his head toward me and whispered, "I really don't like those sandwiches."

I stared at him in shock and began to absently erase the diary entry I'd been working on.

Dear Diary,

Husband loves the sandwiches I keep buying him. It's so satisfying to know that

"What?"

He looked at me awkwardly. "I don't really like them. There's too much bread and this tiny slice of meat in the middle. It's just ..they're not that good."

"You don't like the sandwhiches?"

"I don't."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm telling you now."

Distraught, I searched for meaning in a sandwichless world. "If that's how you feel, I guess I'll stop buying them. You think you know someone, and then they crumple up your heart like a paper lunch bag. Do you even love me, or do I have too much bread?"

"It's just the sandwhiches."

"I simply want to make sure we're not living a lie."

So it's back to the drawing board for me. The good thing is I think I've found a few interesting ways to dress up those tiny, fancy pieces of toast.

Until Next Time, Readers!

16 comments:

  1. Alan Sherman did a wonderful parody on "Comin' Through the Rye":

    "When you're makin' up a sandwich,
    Pile the cold cuts high.
    The customer should see salami
    Comin' through the rye."

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    1. Which makes me think I should start making my own sandwiches ...but maybe that's worse.

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  2. You're the best and much better off without the word scrumptious.

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    1. Thanks, Jessica! And I couldn't agree more.

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  3. The diary entry killed me. You are such a talented humorist, my friend. I think it's time to try the Trader Joe's pre-packaged items because, even if they are awful, no one can admit in any kind of company that they dislike anything Trader Joes. It's fool proof. Or, I hear lunchables are something special.

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    1. You are too sweet to me. We have a Trader Joes here, but I've been too terrified to take the kids there because I'm not totally sure what the cart situation looks like. I should make a date to go there by myself and wow Husband with new and completely random items.

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  4. I <3 you, with or without all that bread.

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  5. HAH! Why do they do that? Husbands that is? I used to make this dinner all the time that I thought he loved and he hated it. He waited 5 YEARS TO TELL ME THAT. 5 Years. Seriously. Lame dinner I guess. :)

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    1. Something similar happened to me and the meatloaf I made all the time. It wasn't five years before he told me, but long enough.

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  6. Oooohhh... slippery slope, my dear. In my world, until early this year I rarely ever fixed lunches for the hubs to take to work - maybe five times, tops; married 22 years last April. These days, I'm up at the crack of six twenty-sevenish to make sure he has a ham sandwich and a pack of Nature Valley granola bar before he leaves the house at 6:30... I even let him take my Grande Starbucks reuseable cup everyday. Nice right? But what happened last night... well, it threw me for a loop. I'd made a lovely mexican meal for dinner; there were leftovers. So the hubs gets this crazy notion... he asked me to get up early to make four - FOUR - burritos to take to work for lunch. I couldn't believe what was happening and had to confirm what my ears heard but my mind couldn't concieve. "You want me to get up early to make burritos? Is that what you said?" "Yeah" *repeat that 4 times* With his last reply instead of just "Yeah" he finally added, "2 for me & 2 for Tony (his brother... with whom I do not speak.)" So yeah, because fixed a decent dinner, there was more than plenty to share, and the man is sick of sandwiches, I set my alarm for SIX AM to heat up leftovers, grate cheese, heat tortillas and pack 4 delicious burritos for the hubs and his brother. Word back is they were fantastic. He's getting a sandwich tomorrow.

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    1. Oh my goodness! You're practically a saint in my book. I would've laughed and laughed and laughed, and maybe left all the things for burritos out on the counter. Or possibly made them the night before and stuck them in the fridge. Again, you are a saint in my book.

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  7. Mediterranean lunch is my favorite: hummus and pretzels, cheese, olives, and yogurt. Aka, all snack foods that you put on the same plate and try to mask as a legit meal.

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    1. That sounds awesome! I'd eat that every day. I love me some hummus.

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  8. "if I find enough ants, perhaps I can convince the children we actually went to the petting zoo." I like the way you think, Mama!

    Yes, don't you love it when the hubs is sparing your feelings about something for years, and then it finally comes out? It's a conspiracy to make us feel stupid.

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  9. My ten month old is currently obsessed with ants, kinda hoping she keeps up her love of the cheap thrills.
    I'm a fan of the "homemad-ing" technique. Take it out of the package, toss it around a bit to make it look less than perfect, add a few additions (like mayo, more meat, etc) and throw it in a bag. Works like a charm for store bought pies, etc. A rolling pin and some powdered sugar go a long way!

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