Wednesday, July 17, 2013

An Open Letter To My Hacker

"There's not much more you don't know about me, except I like big bows and I cannot lie.
Afternoon Readers,

It was quite a busy morning around the Split-level, I must say. Not only did the early hours require me to divide my attention between eating my breakfast bar and working through the two pound bag of Skittles I received for my birthday, but you, my dear friends, alerted me to the fact my email had been broken into.

What's a girl to do?

Well, eat the green ones first, obviously. Green Apple was a solid switch.

But how was I to deal with having my inbox cleaned out, breaking my breakfast bar into three pieces so the twins could have some, and seeing this letter sent to all people in my writerly life:


Entering my email without asking is a tad rude, but that's not what irked me. So, sitting down, putting quill to paper, and sending a carrier pigeon back across which ever ocean this came from seemed appropriate.

Don't worry, I picked the strongest bird I could find. I think his name was Rick or something. Nope, nope. Maybe it was Ralph.

July 17, 2013

Dear Hacker,

How are you? I ask that more as a formality because I'm not particularly happy with you, but, at the end of the day, I don't wish bad health on anyone, so take that as you will and get your moles mapped, check your cholesterol, etc.

Also, before I get to the point, I'd like to apologize. I understand you put time and effort into muscling where I store my correspondence. In my mind, you're a delicate Catherine Zita Jones from Entrapment, probably having some sort of strained relationship with the boss who, no doubt, looks a lot like Sean Connery.

You want to show him you can hold your own in the felony arena, but there's a lot of sexual tension there, so you're conflicted. I get it.

Right, so that's why I have to say how sorry I am for how messy things may have looked when you broke in. Folders everywhere, virtual coffee rings on everything, a trashcan filled to overflowing, how could you work with any efficiency?

Oh, and let's just get one thing out of the way. It was a little embarrassing to have you ask for money on my behalf. I may not be the best person who's ever rubbed shoulders with a budget, but I totally got the mortgage in on time and probably the credit card bill.

I know I had a point, but I had to stop this letter and go pull one of the kids out of the bathroom before it turned into a Schlitterbahn, so bear with me.  The kids. The kids. It had something to do with the kids.

Oh!

Insulting. I found it very insulting you'd say I was in Limassol, trying to make my way back. Because I'll have you know, if I was in Limassol right now, I wouldn't be trying to come home.  It's idiotic to think I made carefully constructed plans to sneak away from my family only to renege on that deal later on.

According to Wikipedia, Limissol is awesome. Beautiful beaches, quaintly painted homes, famous for its Carnival and Wine Festival. What's wrong with you? Would you come back?

No. No you would not. Unless you hate festivals. In which case, I can't help you because I love festivals.

So I say "Good day" to you sir.

Sincerely,

Paige Kellerman


Until Next Time, Readers!



25 comments:

  1. Ha! I am so glad you wrote this! I got one of those emails this morning and I felt so stupid for not knowing for sure whether it was a joke (b/c you're a jokester) or not that I just didn't say anything

    Anyways, this is awesome and I hope the hacker comes forward.

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    1. As far as fake emails go, this one was pretty good. What with the signing my name and everything. My deepest gratitude for not trying to bail me out of Limassol.

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  2. I got this email and was feeling soooo bad for you! I got hacked once and it was no fun. I'm glad you still have a sense of humor about it :)

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    1. I'm just glad this address doesn't have anything sensitive in it. Then again, there's nothing like emailing spam to all your business contacts first thing in the morning.

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  3. I got one of those this morning & said that I could help if they could prove they were you & not a Nigerian prince--never heard back!!

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    1. That would've been my first instinct. Gmail says it came somewhere from the UK, so all my friends over there should feel free not to hold the door open for this individual, if I ever find out who he/she is.

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  4. I knew you'd have something to say about your fake time in Limassol.

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    1. It may have been the best fake time I've ever had there. The fake flight was also relaxing.

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  5. Seriously the best line was, "Good Day Sir!" Seriously, sorry you were hacked though, but loved your retort. Perfect!!!

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    1. There were so many ways I could've ended this carefully-worded letter this person will never see, but that seemed the most appropriate.

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  6. I love you are finding the bright side of this whole giant mess. Good day indeed!

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    1. Thank you! That said, I should've found a way to work, "indeed" in there.

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  7. Yikes! People are crazy. I love reading your blog - you have such a unique voice that hooks me in from the first sentence. Seriously. I don't give out compliments without meaning them.

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    1. I'm absolutely flattered then...:) Thank you, Debbie!

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  8. How come twitter makes you leave your first born to re-set your password, but these hackers just pass right through?
    xo
    Meredith (badsandy.com)

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    Replies
    1. Me thinks Gmail could take a teeny hint from the blue bird of Twitterness.

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  9. I was hacked once and sent a rather "adult" email to all of my contacts...including a priest.

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    1. At least I was spared that, considering it went out to everyone I've ever talked to ever.

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  10. Oh, snap! You told this guy!!! ;) I was secretly hoping you would write about this and you did not disappoint, m'lady! Mapping moles made me lose it, as did the photo caption: I like big bows and I cannot lie. I just want to live inside your head for 24-hours. Gooooooooood times!

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    1. Unfortunately, Stephanie, my brain is a lot like my email. Folders everywhere, coffee spills on everything. It's pure chaos. You'd be terrified.

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  11. "I don't wish bad health on anyone, so take that as you will and get your moles mapped, check your cholesterol, etc." also made me lose it! The whole thing was hilarious! But I think the hacker owes you an apology for trying to pass his/her poor grasp of the English language off as something you, even in an emergency, would write. Good day, indeed!

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  12. Hey! I feel left out! I didn't get an email from you asking for money. Oh, I see how it is over at the Split-level. You're playing favorites aren't you?
    Justin Knight
    Writing Pad Dad

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