Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Pillow Talk

"It's cool, I guess."
Afternoon Readers,

It's wonderful you've decided to join me on a Wednesday because yesterday I was making big decisions.

What?

Oh, I forgot. For all of you who are new here today, I make all my big decisions on Tuesdays, write about them on Wednesdays, feel guilty about them on Thursdays, drink them away on Fridays, receive validation from Husband about them on Saturdays, ask for forgiveness on Sundays, and start re-evaluating new topics for life decisions on Mondays.

So it made sense then when I stripped the cases, held up my bedroom pillows and asked the wall, "What are these?"

"Pillows."

I shook my head. "No, these are orange and disgusting. Who sleeps on these? This one looks like a tater tot. Or a giraffe with polio."

Because it's blue, the wall took a while to answer. "Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but it really creeps me out, watching you guys breathe into those things, night after night. I ask myself, "Why am I here? Why am I blue? Why was I dragged out of a Lowes just to witness-"

"Thanks, I got it."

"You asked."

Some people are really great at replacing their pillows before the stuffing should be turned over to the government for contamination research. We take a more relaxed approach to life and ignore when when our headrests start to smell like ham and old Pauly Shore movies. But the fact I'd also seen my pillow walk off the bed, grab a Coke out of the fridge, and jog back up the stairs was finally motivation enough to throw all the kids in the van and cast off in search of 100% down dreams and fluffier hopes.

An hour later, the orange pillows had been cast aside like Miss America contestants tragically affected by a freak self-tanning accident. In their place, two, brand new, fluffy winners.

Where the other pillows had failed, these two could sing opera and dominate the flaming baton competition.

"What do you mean you replaced the pillows?"

I spoke in soft tones to Husband. "You'll love them."

"They're not flat."

"No, they're winners."

"I don't know what that means."

Excitedly, I popped up off the bed and ran over to turn off the light, and dark quickly covered what I was sure was Husband's delighted expression as he lowered his head onto twelve-dollar, "like down" perfection. My sad looking t-shirt fluttered in the breeze of quick movements back to the bed. Slowly, I lowered myself down.

I turned towards Husband. "So, what do you think?"

"Not bad."

"You?"

I nodded quietly and got ready to sleep on one of the most uncomfortable pillows I'd ever laid my head on.

Until Next Time, Readers!








10 comments:

  1. Winning pillows? Sounds dirty. I like it.

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    1. Hahaha... but still not as dirty as what I found under those pillow cases. Ugh.

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  2. I HATE down pillows--they're too soft!!

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    1. What, you don't like the little pokey sides of the feathers jabbing you in the ear...;)

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  3. Holy Crap!! I just did this exact thing right before I left for Chicago. Our pillows were fucking disgusting! I have no idea why I wait so long...it's cause I am scared! I bought the "like-down" for hubby and something else for me, thinking "I know what we like in a pillow damnit"...I was wrong. Pillows are impossible! When I was ready to return the used-one-night pillows (I had them back in the packages), hubby came in and suggested we switch. PERFECTION! They are puffier than our old tatter tots, naturally, but I just beat the piss out of mine and it calms down a little.
    This is so hilarious Paige! <3 Devan

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    1. I've seriously had to beat the crap out of this new pillow every, single night. This morning, one of the twins came in, tried to lay down on it, and said, "I can't do it!" He then explained that it was too puffy and was very upset by the whole thing. So much for pawning my new one off on the kids.

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  4. "smell like ham and old Pauly Shore movies"

    Oh. My. God. That line is perfection. That paired with the fact that it's 1:00 AM and technically Friday (drinking day!) have made me incredibly happy.

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    1. Anything to make your Friday perfect, my friend! And now, I know you're just dying to go find that old copy of In the Army Now.

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  5. Do you know the stare of death that I get from my husband when I wash the sheets on our bed, then ask him to help me put the sheets back on? If looks could kill...

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    1. LOL...seriously! I cringe inwardly when I hear Husband go upstairs and realize I haven't dragged the sheets out of the dryer and put everything back on. He always gets recruited.

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