Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Pillow Talk

"It's cool, I guess."
Afternoon Readers,

It's wonderful you've decided to join me on a Wednesday because yesterday I was making big decisions.

What?

Oh, I forgot. For all of you who are new here today, I make all my big decisions on Tuesdays, write about them on Wednesdays, feel guilty about them on Thursdays, drink them away on Fridays, receive validation from Husband about them on Saturdays, ask for forgiveness on Sundays, and start re-evaluating new topics for life decisions on Mondays.

So it made sense then when I stripped the cases, held up my bedroom pillows and asked the wall, "What are these?"

"Pillows."

I shook my head. "No, these are orange and disgusting. Who sleeps on these? This one looks like a tater tot. Or a giraffe with polio."

Because it's blue, the wall took a while to answer. "Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but it really creeps me out, watching you guys breathe into those things, night after night. I ask myself, "Why am I here? Why am I blue? Why was I dragged out of a Lowes just to witness-"

"Thanks, I got it."

"You asked."

Some people are really great at replacing their pillows before the stuffing should be turned over to the government for contamination research. We take a more relaxed approach to life and ignore when when our headrests start to smell like ham and old Pauly Shore movies. But the fact I'd also seen my pillow walk off the bed, grab a Coke out of the fridge, and jog back up the stairs was finally motivation enough to throw all the kids in the van and cast off in search of 100% down dreams and fluffier hopes.

An hour later, the orange pillows had been cast aside like Miss America contestants tragically affected by a freak self-tanning accident. In their place, two, brand new, fluffy winners.

Where the other pillows had failed, these two could sing opera and dominate the flaming baton competition.

"What do you mean you replaced the pillows?"

I spoke in soft tones to Husband. "You'll love them."

"They're not flat."

"No, they're winners."

"I don't know what that means."

Excitedly, I popped up off the bed and ran over to turn off the light, and dark quickly covered what I was sure was Husband's delighted expression as he lowered his head onto twelve-dollar, "like down" perfection. My sad looking t-shirt fluttered in the breeze of quick movements back to the bed. Slowly, I lowered myself down.

I turned towards Husband. "So, what do you think?"

"Not bad."

"You?"

I nodded quietly and got ready to sleep on one of the most uncomfortable pillows I'd ever laid my head on.

Until Next Time, Readers!