Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Husband's Secret Life

"I mean, I love it, but new Peplum and a shark's tooth necklace can only ease the shock so much."

Afternoon Readers,

My mind isn't made up yet, but I'm just not convinced Dunkin' Donuts coffee is better than my regular Folgers dark Colombian blend. One smacks of delicious pastries, and the other of illicit cocaine dealings in the deepest jungles somewhere, but I'm on the fence.

Or is it that, after five cups in a row, it's hard to tell the flavor of any coffee?

Doesn't matter. I'll gladly kill all taste buds in my mouth for the shot at more caffeine and an even greater fighting chance at staying awake to rear the children. Surveys show that children who are raised by parents who aren't sleeping have a better chance at success and not wandering into the street.

But, let's not dwell on the fact I got up with the kids a total of five times last night between the hours of 1am and 5am. Instead we'll turn our attention to the captain of the Kellerman household, and examine his secrets.

Oh yes, he has secrets darker than his lush head of hair, a cloak-and-dagger lifestyle he tends to divulge only when he's fallen into a deep sleep and I'm trying to watch Conan and not feel awkward about laughing out loud by myself.

For, you see, while most people's spouses are snoring, I'm reaping information such as...

"The other one's around the back."

I immediately pull out my stenotype machine. "Who? Who's around back?"

"My other wife."

Usually, conversations while Husband's asleep border along the lines of how he feels about various food or whether he should pretend he doesn't smell that the baby's pooped, but this time, I knew I'd hit pay dirt.

"Your other wife? You have two?" On the hunch the subject wouldn't be divulging this information if he was aware he was giving it to his first wife, I typed furiously.

"Yeah, everyone should have two."

"Everyone should have two wives?"

"Everyone should have two wives."

I leaned in on one elbow. "Fascinating."

Husband grinned and tried to roll over.

"And, who is this woman?"

"Hmm?"

"Who is the other wife? I think the public needs to know. Also, nothing on Conan is as good as this right now. Not even Jennifer Aniston and her skin determined to defy gravity at all costs."

But it was too late, Husband had entered REM sleep and left me wondering if the other woman was also watching basic cable and dreading another night on an over-stuffed pillow. The night was suddenly full of questions:

Did she look like me?
How many kids did she have?
Why was she in my backyard?

Later questioning revealed that Husband was also pleasantly surprised by the fact he'd been maintaining two separate marriages.

"So, when you come home covered in dust and say you've just finished working a fourteen-hour shift, you've actually been.... "

He nodded. "Buying cigarettes for my other lady and getting her set up in the trailer she requested."

"Fascinating."

"She's a simple woman. Doesn't request e-books and cookies constantly, like someone I know."

"Will she watch the children?"

"Probably."

I set down my coffee cup. "Then you should dump her."

"Why?"

"She's obviously insane."

Until Next Time, Readers!












11 comments:

  1. A TRUE story from one of my old posts:

    Bud used to talk in his sleep. This can often be the cause of problems. For instance, there was the night I was awakened by him talking loudly “on the phone”. He said--& this is a direct quote, “He’s got as much chance of doing that as I have of screwing Elizabeth!” I took a deep breath. He continued his “conversation”, “That IS the name of the present queen of England, isn’t it?” I remember another classic. When I got into bed, he was sound asleep. He put his arms around me & drew me close, cuddling me. He murmured, “Take a letter…..”

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    1. Ha! Both of those are tremendous. But the real question is, did you take a letter or not, my friend?

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  2. You bring up a good point here. How the hell do guys lead double lives with two wives and families and such? I can't even keep up with the one family I have.

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    1. That's very true. Husband and I can barely remember everyone's names and when we're supposed to make someone a birthday cake. Two families? I think we'll have to pass.

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  3. Ahh! I have a memo entitled "Husband Babble" in my phone for moments such as these! And DD coffee is the best. End of story.

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    1. Husband Babble? Brilliant! I'm convinced I need to keep better records.

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  4. Ahhhh! I remember watching a broadcast about a man who had two families in the same town!! My husband can barely remember all of our names, let alone juggle two completely separate lives. You've really got to be a master at your craft to pull that off...

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    1. Right? It's hard enough remembering who these kids are and why they keep asking us for stuff.

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  5. This is funny, Paige! Your husband talking in his sleep should become a recurring series on this blog! :)

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