Friday, August 9, 2013

Unhappy Little Trees


Morning Readers,

I think I've figured out why the fake plant is dying.

Balding and sad, the source of the living room's right corner palm tree's malaise seems to be the children picking its leaves off and stabbing each other with them.

Shocking. I know. The fact I own two fake palm trees usually catches most people off guard.

"Two?" They say.

I nod. "Two."

"But you know nothing about plants."

Indignation doesn't look as good on me as most empire-waisted dresses, but I usually put a foot down and reach towards the heavens, shouting, "If no one takes in the fake plants of the world, the various bottle caps, plastic bags, and old retainers sacrificed themselves for naught. Or for nay. I'm really not that great at using Old English. Where will they go? What will they do? What small insects will use them as a home base for an invasion in 2014? No, my friend. Certain times in history demand a hero. And I am that hero. Do you have any chocolate or Red Bull?"

The Kellermans came to own palm trees the same way most people come to own fake palm trees. They were given to us by my mother-in-law, to go with the living room she put together and painted while we were on our honeymoon.

What do you mean that's not how you got your palm trees?

Well, gardening has never been my strong suit, but I decided I would take over the duties of rearranging leaves, every other Monday, and reading out loud to both of them. You may think fake plants don't have feelings or appreciate Louisa May Alcott, but you'd be wrong. Little Women tugs at the heartstrings of generation after generation of both people and plant.

Really? Your heart doesn't soar when Jo gets her manuscript published?

That's what I thought.

This went well, right up until the twins began to walk, talk, and prune the leaves they could reach with their chubby, little paws. Slowly, I watched both the front corner and far corner plant retreat into themselves, all the while growing bald and suspicious of humans.

It wasn't until I started finding Sundance's purses full of fake leaves and watched as she ripped another one down and poke Doc in the head with it, that I knew the time of sweet repose had come for Far Corner Plant.

Front Corner Plant was discovered defending himself the only way he knew how, by falling on top of the baby. Both baby and plant are now highly aware and full of distrust, respectively.

Far Corner Plant must go.

It's been a good run.

So, if any of you have a replacement palm tree out there somewhere, please remember to read it classic literature. But please don't send it over here.

The baby has a vendetta.

Until Next Time, Readers!


14 comments:

  1. So your children are being attacked by (& attacking with) fake plants? Give them a good soaking--I find that works with either species!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just about to put a little water in a bottle and squirt offenders ...but, then again, it's already too late for Far Corner Plant.

      Delete
  2. I need photos of said fake palm trees.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I do need to take a final shot of Far Corner Plant before he gets set out for the trash men next week.

      Delete
  3. So sad. I have two fake trees in my house (two!) but the bases are now covered in a towel and chip-clipped on the side so they stay on. Why? The cat eats the fake straw and the pukes it right up. Watch out, Martha Stewart!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't blame you. Towels and all, tending to the needs of fake plants is emotionally and physically draining. I should've thought of ship clipping a sheet over both the plants, long ago.

      Delete
  4. Thy Old English is not so poor. I hope Far Corner Plant finds a good home in a studio where people record books on tape.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I have anymore baby face-planting plant accidents, we may just have to find a nice, nearby studio to adopt our fronded friends.

      Delete
  5. I'm so sorry your fake plants are sick. That must be pretty heart breaking... Best of luck finding the perfect replacement. ;0)

    http://www.mylife-ourjourney.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's the greenery I find enjoyable, but when all you're left with is a stick that used to have leaves on it, well, things just aren't the same.

      Delete
  6. I suggest lots of fake water and fake plant food for your fake plants. A bit of fake sunlight wouldn't hurt, either, but make sure the kids don't get a hold of it. Too much fake sunlight, and you could become the next Tanning Mom meme.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But I'm already going broke buying fake food! It's hopeless, I tell you. Hopeless...;)

      Delete
  7. I think the problem is that you read legit lit. The fake palm needed fake lit. You should have made up Tories and called them "classics" You know, spoken its love language? Pig Latin is its love language I believe.
    Vicky
    http://thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete