Monday, September 30, 2013

The Biggest Fall Reading Giveaway Ever!

Morning Readers,

Do you love reading?

Enjoy free stuff?

Did you miss the boat on summer's GIGANTIC, multi-blog reading giveaway and you want another chance to win?!?!

Well, we've delivered, except for one tiny difference - this time, it's EVEN BIGGER! Even more of your favorite bloggers have joined together to bring you the hugest giveaway on the innerwebz - you are not going to believe this prize package. Seriously. Now that the kids are back in school, maybe you find yourself with a little extra free time for reading grown-up people books with grown-up people words in them. Maybe, as the autumn air gets chillier, you're looking for an excuse to snuggle up inside under a blanket. Whatever the reason, one thing's for sure: you need some great stuff to read. Thus, we bring you...

First off, we've collected practically an entirely new library for you - nine (9) (NINE!!!) new books to make you laugh, cry, and forget that you were supposed to turn on the crockpot because you're just plain having too much fun.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Why You No Spell Good?

Then and there, Ralph made a silent pledge to come back next year and know how to spell fedora.

Morning Readers,

Who wants to hear a formative childhood story?

Ok, I just counted one hand out of the five of you reading this, so I'll continue.

Long ago, in a faraway land - or possibly the exact same town I live in right now - there lived a young home schooled girl who was entered in a spelling bee. It was the very first spelling be she'd ever set foot in, so she dawned her very best stretchy pants, matching top, and just a dash of scrunched up socks over Keds. Her middle name might as well have been "Pizzazz."

She just hoped no one asked her to spell it. That's like four z's.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Woman Sits Alone

Bob didn't understand why Marlene liked going to the theater by herself, and Marlene wasn't impressed by Bob's "Themes on Yankee Doodle Dandy" he tried to keep her at home with.

Afternoon Readers,

While I wait for yet another specialist to arrive and give me an estimate on this situation, I thought I'd check in and see how everyone's weekend was. If it was anything like mine, you flipped out on your spouse and, in the few minutes he took to stare at you because he had no idea what you were talking about, threw your hands in the air, grabbed the keys, and pushed that seven seater to the movie theater as fast as it would go.

Oh, you did normal things like clean the gutters and make turkey sandwiches? Odd.

Husband stared at me dumbfounded. "What do you mean you're going to a movie by yourself?"

Thursday, September 19, 2013

In the Meantime, We're Still Sinking

House had contemplated running down those stairs so many times, but there was always someone watching.

Afternoon Readers,

"Ranch flavored rice cakes. Like paper, only ranchier."

Instead of telling you what I'm eating, from now on I'll just be shooting really questionable taglines your way.

Things have been a little busy around the Split-level lately, primarily due to the fact our home is slowly but surely sinking into the ground, with possible plans to implode. We first discovered this problem last November, and, being the prompt people with absolutely no self-preservation instinct that we are, have decided to fix it a year later.

The first day of this month was spent Googling, "How to lift a house off the ground using only leg muscles, will power, and a spatula." They say you can find anything on the internet, but I'm here to tell you Yahoo Answers came up a little short, so I began scheduling foundation specialists instead. They were all quick to comply, and soon I had four of them lined up and ready to see our little spectacle.

So far, we've entertained three guests, and, in a nutshell (or nuthouse ...however you want to look at it), this is where we stand so far:

Monday, September 16, 2013

Date Night For One: An Entry From the World's Shoddiest Movie Reviewer

Afternoon Readers,

It's 11am, do you know where your coffee is? I do. There's a pot of it already in my belly, so let's get started.

No, this post has nothing to do with coffee, so I apologize for that first sentence. It was misleading. 

Instead, take my hand and walk with me to a brand new topic. That's better. Now that we've turned the corner, you can clearly see we're about ready to talk about movies. Shh, don't lie. You can clearly see it. And really, if you'd just stop trying to tie me down to something concrete I could ask you something.

Do you and your other half enjoy watching the same movies?

Husband and I watch quite a few of them together, but I'll readily admit there's a divide when it comes to certain genres. For instance, if my love suggests we watch a gangster movie, I'll usually respond with something like, "I can't. I need to take the van through the car wash."

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Lose a Kid, Gain a Potato

"These two lost her. Said they were out getting corn dogs."
Afternoon Readers,

We lost Sundance last weekend. There's really no nice way to put it. I suppose I could say "misplaced," but that makes her sound like a set of candle stick holders received as a wedding gift, stuck in the attic, and the topic of much debate around Thanksgiving. As in...

"I told you not to store the candlestick holders somewhere we couldn't find them. Aunt June will be here for turkey any minute, and she'll want to know we didn't reject her gift with a certain amount of disdain. But seriously, who needs pewter shaped like an ape's hand extended in a sign of welcome and peace?"

Monday, September 9, 2013

The Socially Awkward Couple

"I'll grab my apron with the dudes on it, and you go put those spongy rollers in your hair. Together, we'll dominate this gathering of strangers."
Afternoon Readers,

I just got back from the grocery store. It was eventful, but as I'm still recovering from exactly how eventful, let's just talk about that jaunt on Wednesday.

At any rate, getting distracted by today would be a mistake because then I couldn't tell you about the weekend. And if that happened, how would you know I curled my hair for the first time in three months?

Oh, you're too kind. I will happily tell you all about it.

Friday, September 6, 2013

The Kellermans Do Bed Bath and Beyond

"It says here that we can bring the children into the store because they enjoy replacing all their breakable merchandise once a month. Interesting."

Afternoon Readers,

I'm going to sit down and take a breather before I go make the Hamburger Helper.

I know what you're thinking, but sometimes you've got to make those fancy dinners to get your man running back home at night.

So, until I hear those beloved, booted footsteps hankering for rehydrated sour cream, a time out's in order to tell you about the day's events. Oh, and about my efficiency. My efficiency which leads to phone calls such as...

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

To Doc on His First Birthday

Morning Readers,

They say one is the loneliest number, but careful observation has confirmed that one is only lonely if it doesn't have to survive being punted across the room by an older brother and sister.

Today, Doc Holiday celebrates his first and most auspicious birthday. And while we did give him new pajamas with puppies on them, I'd also like to send him my warmest congratulations on one full year of survival.