Friday, September 6, 2013

The Kellermans Do Bed Bath and Beyond

"It says here that we can bring the children into the store because they enjoy replacing all their breakable merchandise once a month. Interesting."

Afternoon Readers,

I'm going to sit down and take a breather before I go make the Hamburger Helper.

I know what you're thinking, but sometimes you've got to make those fancy dinners to get your man running back home at night.

So, until I hear those beloved, booted footsteps hankering for rehydrated sour cream, a time out's in order to tell you about the day's events. Oh, and about my efficiency. My efficiency which leads to phone calls such as...

Ring Ring

"Hello, this is Sarah at Bed, Bath and Beyond. How can I help you?"

"Hi, Sarah. I was wondering if you could pull a product and hold it at customer service for me?"

"Um, I need to ask."


*Hold music which conjures pictures of soft duvets and potpourri-infused potholders 

"Hi, this is Susan. How can I help you?"



"Sarah isn't your middle name per chance?"


"I didn't think so. Listen, can you pull something off a wedding registry and hold it for me? I've got a ton of kids behind me, and I think it would save us all some grief if you held this item for me at customer service. In return, I'll keep the kids from setting up camp in the fake beds and launching darts made out of bamboo forks at unsuspecting customers shopping for memory foam bathmats."

"Let me check with someone."


"Hi, this is Dan. How can I help you."

"Dan, my kids just took the car and seem to be five minutes ahead of me. If I were you, I'd pull that item so I can overtake them on foot, grab the gift, and heard them back to their paddocks."

"We can do that, Mrs. Kellerman. You'll have to pay before we can wrap it, but that should only take a minute or two."

"Thank you, Dan. A million blessings and a large dowry on your household."

*Sounds of Kellermans barreling down highway and through the doors

"Hi, I'm here to pick up a gift."

"You're the woman with all the kids?"

"No, no. The ones spilling over the shopping cart you see here were actually hanging around those sale soaps and told me in broken English they needed a mother."

"Well, we can certainly have that wrapped for you."

"Thank you so much. You've earned my most favorite person of the day award. That's hard to do, you see, because that usually goes to the mailman who brings me assorted catelogs."

"It'll be done in twenty minutes. Here's your number. We'll call you when it's ready."

"So it won't take two to five minutes?"


"Thank you... Tiffany, is it? If you need me, I'll be in the back of the store trying to coax the children out from under beds and protecting patrons from bamboo.

"Very good, Mrs. Kellerman."

Oh well, at least I have a wrapped gift and Doc only screamed at a couple innocent people shopping for picture frames.

And now, back to the Stroganoff.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. The trust I have in a company to do what they say is inversely proportional to the number of times they put me on hold. Enjoy eating that Helper in peace (I'm assuming you had to leave the children at BBB once they armed themselves in the kitchenware aisle).

  2. I've found that same equation to be very true. Especially if the hold music is Kenny G. Then you can be sure your problem will never be resolved. Much wine and Hamburger Helper were consumed last night. Possibly a shot of tequila.

  3. I cannot tell you how much joy that story gave me and how thrilled my children can illegally be left at home until the Division of Children's Services finds out I'm doing this. HA!;) Back to my Manwich prep.

    1. Manwich! I'm totally making Manwich this week. And congrats on being able to leave some kiddos at home. People keep telling me three's too young, so I have to wait another whole year.

  4. After our latest trip to Target, we didn't have the energy for the Hamburger Helper- we hit the drive-through. You and your gourmet cooking have seriously superior parenting skills!

    1. Some days, it's totally the drive through. Although, yesterday I was really proud of myself because I made double the recipe so I could put it away for lunch the next day, went to bed, and forgot the leftovers on the stove. So, I'm pretty much one with the meal planning.

  5. Whenever you think you're being super smart by calling ahead, it always backfires. Happened to me at a takeout restaurant the other day. Ah well, nothing wrong with a little gourmet (Which it totally is. You have to defrost the meat all by yourself. You don't get any help with that.) Helper to make you feel better. Or possibly worse. I had to try to define "Pasta-Roni" for my toddler the other day.

    1. Ahh, Pasta-Roni ...there are so many delicacies in store for the Kellerman children. Hamburger Helper is just the beginning!

  6. Oh, the days of driving with children. So glad they are over.

    1. The driving I can deal with. It's the loading, unloading, and possibly burning down a Bed Bath and Beyond that presents a little difficulty. Good thing I'll only being doing this for a few more decades.

  7. Thank you for making me laugh. I love seeing kids at BBB - they really do have fun. IKEA is another wonderful experience..all sorts of "fake rooms" to pretend to live in....and you can't find your way out of the store!!!

    1. You're quite welcome! We're getting ready to get an IKEA here, but I keep forgetting to call ahead and warn them we also live where they're building.

  8. As we walk into Bed, Bath, and Beyond I lie to my kids that the name of the store is "The Do Not Touch Store". Never works.