Monday, October 7, 2013

I'd Be Pleased To Welcome Gwyneth Paltrow

"Paige, what's that lovely scent wafting from the kitchen? Ahh, yes. I thought it smelled like a budget."
Afternoon Readers,

Things ran on a pretty even keel at this weekend. Nothing blew up, I put on a real shirt with buttons, and Husband watched the kids while I went to the grocery store by myself.

Never fear, just because the Kellermans didn't experience anything tragically comic this weekend, doesn't mean I have nothing to share with you today. Actually, I'm taking this opportunity to announce that my super sweet friend, Ilana from the blog Mommy Shorts, got her own TV show.

And you're all like, "Hold on, Paige. I need to insert some applause up in here."



*This space reserved for blog author to get up and get coffee while her Readers are cheering various announcements, good news, or hoopla of import*

So Ilana says to me, she says, "Paige, who would you interview, if you could interview a celebrity your living room, like I do?"

I put down my newest cracked coffee mug and answered calmly, "Why, Gwyneth Paltrow, of course."

"And, if you were to somehow get Gwyneth to come over, how would that go?"

Now, Ilana gets to interview people like Taye Diggs or Rachel Dratch, but, feeling confident that Mrs. Paltrow/Martin would see my crumbling Honda Odyssey and be impressed enough to come back to my living room with the hole in the wall, I answer...

"My dear, Ilana, I have a special script for Gwyneth I keep for rainy days when she accidentally finds my house."

"That's convenient. I'd love to hear it. And also, this post has a lot of dialogue."

I nod. "I confess, it's about to have more."

Dreams Painted In the Key of Arugula
(Infrequent shower taker, Paige Kellerman interviews life expert and killer ab haver, Gwyneth Paltrow)
Me: So, Gwen. Do you care if I call you Gwen?

Gwyneth: It's whatever. Do you have any tea?

Me: I do. Is Sleepytime ok?

Gwen: If it's organic.

Me: Well, I did pick the box up off the street, after I saw it fall off the roof of a Prius. 

Gwen: Is this interview going to take long? I'm meeting my trainer at two o'clock.

Me: Exercise is so great. If we run late, you could always tell the trainer you're busy and come help me rearrange the furniture.

Gwen: Why would I do that?

Me: Because the kids are three and under, and they never lift when I shout, "Lift." The baby just stands there like he has no idea what I'm talking about.

Gwen: I thought we'd be talking about fashion or how to make drinking straws out of celery. 

Me: I'm glad you're keeping me on track. Ok, in your expert opinion, how far into winter can I wear these extra large, orange, nylon drawstring shorts?

Gwen: ....

Me: Should I have bought them in black?

Gwen: ....

Me: Ugh, I'm such an idiot. I forgot to add I'd be pairing the shorts with tennis shoes and a sweatshirt one size too small.

Gwen: Someone lets you raise children?

Me: Luckily, no one got to vote on it beforehand.

Gwen: Where are your children anyway?

Me: I sent them back with your driver. I do hope you understand. I really needed a break, and I'm sure they're only taking apart your house a little bit. Besides, I caught you looking at that stain on the couch with a look in your eye that said, "I want one of those."

Gwen: I have to go.

Me: Take care. And please send the children back around six. 

....Make it seven. Seven is bedtime. 

Ok, everyone, now get thee hence and watch Ilana's new show. The children are too quiet, and that means something tradgically comic is brewing. 

Until Next Time, Readers!









27 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I can do that, but it's gonna be tough convincing her to come back.

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  2. Oh how I love this, especially the celery drinking straws!

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    Replies
    1. I hear celery drinking straws are all the rage in certain circles right now.

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  3. Hmmmm, I'm torn. I want to be interviewed by you, but I'd much rather watch Ilana's show. She really has a gift for getting celebrities to do stuff around her house including making sock spiders. So how about I come over for a cup of coffee and we watch her shows together? But I want to make sure I make it there before Gwen sends your kids back. Start brewing! P.S.- I don't even care if the coffee fell off of a Prius that is how low maintenance I am. Ellen

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    1. I think you and Ilana need to come over so we can all drink coffee and ask celebrities to work on some tissue paper ghosts for my front window. I'm so not on top of the holiday decorating this years, and any time's a good time for two pots of coffee.

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  4. I cook all of my meals on a Prius. You are one funny lady, Mrs. K.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mrs. Shaw! And I've hear about those fantastic car hood omelets. A tip of the cap to you.

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  5. Replies
    1. You're the highlight of my day. You lovely lady, you.

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  6. I think Daniel Craig would be more obliging to my cat pee stains and grocery store beer. I would totally buy some kale for Gwyneth to suck on. You had me at Prius.

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    Replies
    1. As far as fun factor, I think you, Daniel, and beer have me, Gwen, and our Sleepy time beat. No contest.

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  7. Dreaded non-lifting children! Unless they want the old cheez-it under the furniture. Then amazing things happen. I love your posts!

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    Replies
    1. It always amazes me they have no energy to relocate the sofa, but when they need a cookie from the cabinet, suddenly, everyone's Spider Man.

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    2. And thank you for being sweet, Jolie!

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  8. This is perfect, I'm so glad you interviewed her and also so relieved you did not ask her for parenting advice. She does not get to offer any when she has 20 nannies.

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    Replies
    1. I think twenty nannies definitely disqualifies anyone from the race. Even nineteen is pushing it. Thanks, my friend!

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  9. I would like to do a DIY project with you on how to get your house back up on its foundation and then we could fashion those drinking straws that Gwen mentioned. I hope you got the deets on those cause they sound FAB and we should make a meme and put it on Pinterest!! ;)

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    Replies
    1. We totally should be making this celery straw meme, pronto, Miss Stacey.

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  10. For the extra large, orange, nylon drawstring shorts, I'm hoping leggings underneath is an acceptable answer...because I may or may not have done that before. *cough*

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  11. You are brilliant. That is all I can say. Simply brilliant. It's OK to let that go to your head. BRILLIANT. DO YOU HEAR ME?

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  12. oh my god, Gwyneth would be the last person I would invite over my house. I can just imagine all the sneering she'd do over our snack bowl. "You let your family eat CHIPS???" The horror.

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  13. She total makes my skin crawl, but you totally make my heart well over with happiness, so I think I'd still have to get in on this celeb visit date--let me know when she is coming next.

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