Friday, November 29, 2013

Turkey Hangovers and a Giveaway

Soon to be no pie.
Afternoon Readers,

Q: What do you get when one woman eats her body weight in pudding and mashed potatoes?

A: A lot of smeared mascara and motivation to do absolutely nothing of merit. Be glad this blog doesn't lean heavily on pictures of the author, because I walked by the mirror this morning and swore I'd seen more pulled together looks on animals still inhabiting the vicinity of Chernobyl.

So, the name of the game is recovery today, but that doesn't mean I can't contribute to the madness of Black Friday, from the confines of the Split level, safely eating the rest of the pie. As it happens, At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles now has a matte cover.

"But, Paige, what does this mean for me? And why are you distracting me with stupid sentences when I could be laying on the couch with a fork and the last of the stuffing?"

I'll tell you.

First of all, it means that if you have a Cankles with a shiny cover, you're now the proud (maybe) owner of a limited edition book.

Secondly, it means I'm giving away a copy here on the blog this weekend. Keep it for yourself, give it to a friend for Christmas or Hanukkah, use it as a cooling rack for pies just out of the oven.*

I'm sorry this news isn't more exciting. I was going to give you the last of the apple cider too, but I poured it over cinnamon whiskey and drank the whole thing last night. Such is life. I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday, but now's the time for pulling the baby out from under the coffee table and brewing the afternoon coffee.

*Pie may also melt and adhere to cover of book. However, this may contribute positively to the reading/eating experience. If it works out, feel free to trademark the "Pie Book". I know it's my idea, but I don't have the energy to see it through to the end.

Until Next Time, Readers!

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Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Steak First, Ask Questions Later

"I see bacon, eggs, and quiet desperation in your future. Possibly celery."

Evening Readers,

"Good evening, mam. How can I help you?"

"Yes, I believe I left my purse in one of your carts and walked off so I could get to my Diet Coke and Aunts on a Log that much faster?"

"Ahh yes, here you are."

"Thank you. Initially, I thought someone would walk off with it, which didn't bother me too much because my possessions are, as you can see, relegated to an old Taco Bell receipt and petrified jelly beans. But then I realized I'm going to dinner, and I really need my ID so I can self medicate."

Friday, November 22, 2013

Red Letter Day

"In my professional opinion, I'd say your house has come down with a case of Pain-in-the-ass-itis."

Morning Readers,

I'd like to state, here and now, tea is no substitute for coffee. 

Yeah, I said it.

I'm not trying to split you all into steeping and brewing factions, but lets just say I had to settle for pumpkin flavored leaves for the last two days, and the results were disastrous. You may have even felt the Earth move slightly off its axis, prompted by my head repeatedly banging off the doorway.

On Monday, besides dropping the fact Husband likes to forget to take me on our dates, I mentioned I'm painting the cabinets in the kitchen. One of you sweet Readers asked that I take a picture and show the end result, and seeing as we'll be moving in the next few months or so, showing bits and pieces of the Split level seems like a good idea.

After all, you, my dears, have followed our beloved money pit for so long, don't I owe you a peek before we shove off?

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Date Night That Never Happened
"Oh, my wife left me because I went on our date night without her. La la la."
Afternoon Readers,

I've always felt that the strongest marriages are built on miscommunication. Experts disagree, but it's only through gross amounts of misinterpreted verbal exchange we see one of the party gets left out of plans to have fun and stays home to paint cabinets instead.

Subsequently, both Husband and myself are so stunned by the quality and coverage of the paint, all misgivings are forgotten, and I accept the bag of trail mix wrapped with a decorative ribbon, which is presented in hopes of atonement.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Moving and Shaking

"The times you're having your foundation worked on are also great times to make cocoa from scratch."

Morning Readers,

I'm happy to report that, at 9pm last night, the foundation people finished pushing the Split level back out of the ground and setting it right with the world. The process was fairly smooth, with only a few minor hiccups.

I'm almost seventy-eight percent sure they meant to warn me before they picked up the entire house and dropped it.

I feel that's normally something you give the old heads up on, but I also misquote Hall and Oats songs occasionally, so I'm not not totally in the loop.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

"And now, our newest song, written by the lovely Mildred, "Holes In My Backyard". And a one and a two and a..."

Morning Readers,

Good news. While standing on one foot and testing whether the trim on the top of the cabinets could be ripped off, I discovered a boxed gift set, containing a shaker and mix for chocolate martinis. As this was supposed to be a present for a friend back in 2007, I think it's safe to say they'll never miss it.

Party for one at the Kellerman house this weekend, hosted by my bad memory and Stirrings Company -est. Nantucket 1997.

Now then, everyone who listened to a chorus of jackhammers ring out costly amounts of repairs yesterday, raise your hand.

Wow, that was a few more of you than I thought.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Fanmail Friday: Don't punch your kids

Morning Readers,

The cup of coffee I poured before I started writing this is gone. Kaput. Mainly because the baby has decided to mutiny and not take a morning nap. Instead, I drank most of that liquid gold while listening to him yell at me from his crib ...these could have been insults or plans for world domination.

His English is still non-existent, so I'll keep you posted.

Then again, it was probably insults. He knows my nose is slightly crooked.

Right, so you know what we haven't done for a while?

Besides anything productive. I don't even know why you're forcing me to say the p word.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Turning of the Turning Points

"You see that Katy? That's our future on the horizon, and it looks like Windex and interest rates."

Afternoon Readers,

I strongly believe the last few days can be summed up with this quote:

"I did a lot of tired things and now I'm very tired." - An Excerpt from Sundance's thoughts on Halloween

Where the Split level's concerned, a lot of big decisions have had to be made fairly quickly. And I'd be a huge liar if I said it hasn't left me mentally exhausted. Not Jack-trying-to-haul-a-substantial-Rose-onto a-floating-door-in-the-freezing-Atlantic type exhaustion, but I haven't been getting a solid eight hours either.

I'm more like the ticket taker on the Titanic who, no doubt, looked around and said, "Really? Get a summer job, they said. Make a little money of your own, they said. No ever saw the world on a paper route, they said."