Monday, December 30, 2013

New Year's Resolutions, I Have Them

2014 will be the year I make everyone in the world an un-categorized glazed pastry.

Morning Readers,

The very creative title of today's post is brought to you by sleep training the baby.

Sleep training, if they don't sleep, you don't sleep.

And now back to our regularly scheduled show.

How was everyone's holiday? It was a high octane Christmas around the Split level, complete with yours truly getting sick, right at the end of it all. But nothing says "party" like the acoustics of someone in their late, late, late twenties sounding like they're about to shove off this mortal coil, so let's throw some streamers around.

I hope each and every one of you got exactly what you asked for. A bookshelf, a toaster, a renewal subscription to Readers Digest so your bathroom time can go from mundane to an adventure, all good things. However, if you ended up with two Sham Wows and a ketchup packet, I have just the thing to fix you up. That's right, it's time to take a look at the resolutions I've made for the upcoming year.

 Resolutions For 2014*

1.) Instead of selling kids and buying new ones, work on being a better parent.

2.) Sell the Split level and buy a house that, preferably, isn't sinking into the ground.

3.)  Work out, at least once, or tell someone I worked out and listen to them laugh hysterically. Laughter's good for the soul, so I suppose that could be my one good deed for 2014.

4.) Go three or more days without flattening my side view mirrors, as I pull out of the garage.

5.) Run a marathon. Walk a marathon. Watch a marathon on TV. Turn channel to see what's featured on Monster Quest.

6.) Use ironing board for something other than a drying rack for clothes I'm too lazy to take to the dry cleaner. Consider loading it up with canned goods and other non-perishables.

7.) When yelling at people who live here, try to get person's name right on the first attempt. Everyone here is still trying to figure out who "Stephen" is.

8.) Do one truly good deed. (Note to self: This morning, I let the baby have the animal cracker shaped like a camel, when I really wanted the animal cracker shaped like a camel. Not that that counts. Nope, that totally counts. Feels nice to already be able to cross this off the list.)

9.) Stop wondering where Dora's parents are.

10.) Finish painting cabinets I started in 2013.

*As always, the author retains the right to not do any of these things because she wakes up one morning and decides they're stupid and she'll drink coffee instead.)

Until Next Year, Readers!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Top Ten Tips For Navigating the Grocery Store Before Christmas

If you're smarter than me and staying inside before Christmas, please enjoy this awkward, yet royalty-free image of Santa.

Afternoon Readers,

Is everything around the Split level mass chaos? Yes. Thank you for asking.

With one present left to buy, the van breaking down, and not a shower to be seen for me in the last couple days, things are, um, going. Not to worry, I found a few minutes to pen some tips for grocery store survival in the next couple days.

Not that any of you would head out to the store this late. I know I didn't, wouldn't, *coughs guiltily*, did and barely made it out alive.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Baby Report Card

"Watch it, Frank. He'll rip off that nightcap and slap you with it faster than you can say, "Who the hell wears a nightcap anymore?"

Afternoon Readers,

Have you gone crazy from the holiday planning yet? With almost all the gifts bought and absolutely no intention of baking anything from scratch, I think I'm just about to knock on the door of efficiency.

Or maybe I'm about to knock on the door of the liquor store.

Yes, I do talk about liquors stores a lot, but everyone needs a hobby.

One thing I do try to do every year is a little festive cleaning. Dust here. Throw moldy things in the fridge away there. Nothing says, "Welcome Baby Jesus," like dumping two pounds of decaying pasta in the trash can. At least, I've always thought so. I may not have busted out the Nativity scene this year, but that doesn't mean the freezer is gonna smell like frost burnt nuggets.

In case you hadn't guessed, minimal cleaning, no manger, and scrapping the baking are all hallmark signs of having a toddler in the house. Just as I'm on the cusp of the twins mostly behaving themselves, Doc has decided to become increasingly interested in maiming himself before Christmas.

His report card is in, and things are looking grim for the smallest, chubbiest, and loudest in terms of wanting a cookie Kellerman.

Monday, December 16, 2013

We Interrupt This Program For A Special Announcement
Morning Readers,

If your Monday's been a little rough so far, I think it's important to note broken candy canes can be turned into stir sticks for coffee.

*Broken candy canes can be found in the wake of most small children who wanted a "big one," but keep smashing said candy cane via overzealous opening techniques. (Also called The Peppermint Trail of Despair.)

Besides snow, wine, presents, sleeping in, and winning the lottery, you'll be hard-pressed to find something better than candy canes this winter.  But, what if I told you that, on January 1st, 2014, you can buy a ticket to a most excellent blogging conference?

What if I told you I'd be there?

Ok, forget I said that and come anyway.

How I got to be part of the faculty, I'll never know, but what I do know is if you want to be a part of one of the most spectacular blogging experiences of 2014, you'll pack your bag and head to Baltimore this summer.

And I promise I won't just walk up and start shaking your hand, unless you ask me too. But please ask me to, because I'm a nice person and I've got a ton of candy canes to pawn off on you.

Get thee hence and check it out here.

All right, the baby has candy cane stuck between his toes. Gotta run.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

A Schedule of This Week's Events

The office of the secretary who schedules my week. I fired her.
Afternoon Readers,

You may remember I wrote a post on Monday which seemed fairly organized and punctuated by semi-clear thoughts and only thirty-seven typos. Unfortunately, today's selection will be headed the opposite route, recounting this week's events in the only way a sleep-deprived brain can.

On crack. Coffee. Meth. Careful reflection.

The plague found Kellerman house this week, and things haven't been pretty. Granted, the baby was sick a few days last week as well, but I watched A Simple Plan over the weekend, and was so enthralled by the stellar performance given by one Billy Bob Thornton, I blocked out the sleepless nights and rode the high only a well-executed screen play can bring.

Basically, everything's been in upheaval, and all of the children have taken to a careful choice of crying, coughing in my ear, or not sleeping at all.


Monday, December 9, 2013

How To Make Sure Your Small Children Are Disappointed At Christmas

"I've been walking all night, but someone has to deliver the straightjacket for that Kellerman woman."

Afternoon Readers,

Ahh, there's nothing like the smell of bleach in the afternoon. Am I right, or am I right?

That's correct. I'm wrong, it's horrible, and I'm blinking through the fumes in order to write this post. Dedication, it's what's for second lunch.

You'll recall the main drain flooded in the basement not too long ago. Now that the water's evaporated and left a disgusting sludge on the laundry room floor, Husband drew the short straw and gets to bleach the floor. Ladies, keeping your man around is all about finding little tasks for him to do that make him feel special. Sewage, romance, they're basically interchangeable around here.

And while he's working on tending them there home fires, we have time to talk about how I'm only five percent ready for Christmas.

If you've already completed your shopping, have everything wrapped, and are now drinking home made eggnog while reading this, you may stay. Just know it's very frustrating for me, and I'm booking you as my personal assistant for next year. Congrats!

Now then, all I do know is that Mrs. Claus poked around Amazon and, at least, finished buying things for small Kellermans. I simply threw three units of world peace in my cart and hit the road.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

What the Aztecs, Mayans and the Whiskey Vendors Knew: Paige's Top Five Chess Tips

"My wife's at home blogging again. This Bearded Chess League of the Greater Midwest" is a lifesaver."
Afternoon Readers,

How are you? If you'd like to be better than what you answered (assuming you humored me and just shouted at your screen), go ahead and add this...

Any cider will do.
to this....
Only use this whiskey.
...and if the rest of 2013 doesn't knock your socks off, I wash my hands of any and all responsibility. Serve it up hot and thank me later. What?

Oh, you thought this was a post about chess. It is, I was simply trying to get my good deed for the day out of the way. The rhyming there was unintentional, but the drink recipe serves as a very important back drop for what Husband and I spent all our free time doing last weekend. It started here:

Monday, December 2, 2013

The Ballad of Rainbow Pink

Not our actual tree, parquet floors or full moon.
 Afternoon Readers,

First off, I'd like to start today by congratulating Ashley Emmet on winning Black Friday's book giveaway! You showed that Rafflecopter you meant business, and there are some Cankles headed in your direction.

If you didn't win, it's ok. I'll be giving away another copy before Christmas, and the second place winner gets to babysit the kids for a period beginning on 12/7/13 and ending12/23/13.

We survived the holiday weekend, but I'm being proactive with combatting any weight I gained, by cooking up all the noodles and cheese in the house and eating all of it today. Less temptation for being sidetracked when I'm cleansing the house of chocolate tomorrow. The Spirit of Holiday Eating, it's upon me. Yes, all Kellermans are now ready for Christmas. I simply wasn't ready to go whole hog yet.

"Whole hog" here is a euphemism for getting a Christmas tree. Shoddily written? Absolutely, but the world's 158,002,502nd best wordsmith does what she can.

Doesn't change this scenario...