Thursday, December 19, 2013

Baby Report Card

"Watch it, Frank. He'll rip off that nightcap and slap you with it faster than you can say, "Who the hell wears a nightcap anymore?"

Afternoon Readers,

Have you gone crazy from the holiday planning yet? With almost all the gifts bought and absolutely no intention of baking anything from scratch, I think I'm just about to knock on the door of efficiency.

Or maybe I'm about to knock on the door of the liquor store.

Yes, I do talk about liquors stores a lot, but everyone needs a hobby.

One thing I do try to do every year is a little festive cleaning. Dust here. Throw moldy things in the fridge away there. Nothing says, "Welcome Baby Jesus," like dumping two pounds of decaying pasta in the trash can. At least, I've always thought so. I may not have busted out the Nativity scene this year, but that doesn't mean the freezer is gonna smell like frost burnt nuggets.

In case you hadn't guessed, minimal cleaning, no manger, and scrapping the baking are all hallmark signs of having a toddler in the house. Just as I'm on the cusp of the twins mostly behaving themselves, Doc has decided to become increasingly interested in maiming himself before Christmas.

His report card is in, and things are looking grim for the smallest, chubbiest, and loudest in terms of wanting a cookie Kellerman.

2013 Report Card: Doc Kellerman

Subject                                                                Grade

Clothing                                                                 F

Notes: Student has taken to removing his diaper on a whim and running around naked on a daily basis. When confronted about this, he spit and ran away, screaming, "Noooo!" Securing diaper with leftover Frog Tape will probably be the next course of action.

Sleeping                                                                 C-

Notes: Teacher can't remember anything relevant to this subject because she's too tired. She wonders if they make elephant tranquilizers for children under two.

Patience                                                                 D+

Notes: Grade here should probably be an F, but child redeemed himself by laughing at his mother's jokes this week. However, probation is still active for when he also sent up a war cry and punched her in the face, after she took too long to make his bottle.

English                                                                   B

Notes: Student is learning to speak and understands far more than he lets on. Unfortunately, he refuses to say Mama, and uses only football terms such as, "Football," "Touchdown," and "Chiefs." Teacher feels the Principal is mostly to blame for this.

PE                                                                           A

Notes: Student is excelling in keeping up with the other children and/or surviving. Climbing the cabinets is being temporarily excused due to his willingness to learn how to go down the stairs on his stomach, instead of free falling into the air and hoping Jesus will catch him.

Math                                                                        A-

Notes: He can't count, but he's now aware of when he's being cheated out of his fair share. The Great Skittle Debacle of 2013 is still heavily on the mind of the teacher, and will be considered in the future.

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Speaking of the man of the hour, someone's up from his nap. I forgot to mention it, but he's also getting an F in, "Waking up in a great mood." At least it's only six more days to Christmas, with plenty of store bought cookies available and hot wine recipes to try.

I said I wasn't going to bake. I never said mixology was off the table.

Until Next Time, Readers!