Monday, December 9, 2013

How To Make Sure Your Small Children Are Disappointed At Christmas

"I've been walking all night, but someone has to deliver the straightjacket for that Kellerman woman."

Afternoon Readers,

Ahh, there's nothing like the smell of bleach in the afternoon. Am I right, or am I right?

That's correct. I'm wrong, it's horrible, and I'm blinking through the fumes in order to write this post. Dedication, it's what's for second lunch.

You'll recall the main drain flooded in the basement not too long ago. Now that the water's evaporated and left a disgusting sludge on the laundry room floor, Husband drew the short straw and gets to bleach the floor. Ladies, keeping your man around is all about finding little tasks for him to do that make him feel special. Sewage, romance, they're basically interchangeable around here.

And while he's working on tending them there home fires, we have time to talk about how I'm only five percent ready for Christmas.

If you've already completed your shopping, have everything wrapped, and are now drinking home made eggnog while reading this, you may stay. Just know it's very frustrating for me, and I'm booking you as my personal assistant for next year. Congrats!

Now then, all I do know is that Mrs. Claus poked around Amazon and, at least, finished buying things for small Kellermans. I simply threw three units of world peace in my cart and hit the road.

(Kidding. My children are three and want material goods. Small people only only accept currency the form of something tangible in their sticky little hands. If you don't believe me, try giving a preschooler a few words of wisdom on their birthday instead of something made of plastic, and see what happens. How many eyes do you have left?)

And, although I breathed a small sigh of relief for getting their shopping done a tad early, it was also with a special knowing that everything I'd just carefully picked out was completely wrong. Had thought gone into it? Yes. Had I ordered empty boxes again, in the hopes they'd believe they were "Decorate a box" kits? I'd thought about it.

No, when you have small children, disappointment is real factor for one, simple reason.

They remember nothing.

How To Make Sure Your Small Children Are Disappointed On Christmas

1.) Listen very carefully to what they want.

2.) Have multiple conversations with them about the one thing they want Santa to bring the most.

3.) On their arm, have them tattoo the name of the one thing they want because they're that sure of what they want.

4.) Buy exactly the one thing they woke you up in the middle of the night to tell you they would die without. Most people chug through life without a Lego pirate ship, but survival is a multifaceted minx.

5.) Have this conversation. If you have twins, have it twice:

"So, do you think Santa will bring Spider Man?"


"Why not?"

"Because I want Iron Man."

"But you've been telling me for weeks you wanted a Spider Man more than anything."

"No, I said I wanted Iron Man. Santa will bring an Iron Man. I asked him."

"Did Santa mention any extra money he'd be leaving in or around Mommy and Daddy's bank account? Next to the cookies, perhaps?"


"Hypothetically speaking, what'll happen if Santa brings you Spider Man instead?"

"He won't. I asked him for Iron Man."

"Well, I can see you've thought of everything. If you need me, I'll be over in that corner, re-assessing my skills of deduction and that of a parent. How do you feel about world peace?"

As far as I can tell, Christmas morning should be interesting. I can only hope the twins aren't too mad at Santa because their memories failed them terribly. On the upshot, maybe the house won't smell like bleach that day either.

This is Mrs. Claus dreaming the impossible dream. Over and out.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. I ACTUALLY miss having little kids around the house at holiday time!!

    1. I'm feeling tons better about all the kids heading your way for the holidays then. You're the best!

  2. The Grandmas are always asking for the kids' Christmas Wish Lists super early--like in September. I just shake my head and tell them to prepare to for disappointment. Because what the kids want in September is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from what they want in December. The kids don't even remember what they were asking for in the Fall. So there's no point to starting the shopping early. There now, I just gave you an reason that you are right on target being only 5% ready for Christmas.

    1. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. I too want to be the person who's done with all the shopping in July, but I just know I'll end up with a bag full of things no one will have the slightest recollection of wanting. And then I'll weep.

  3. Oh, Paige. I am feeling this post. The Missus and I emptied every hiding place we have for gifts- you know the thoughtful gifts we bought throughout the year and then promptly forgot about? Yeah, well, now we realize we are only about 5% done over here as well. Sure, we have gifts galore. Unfortunately, we also have 3 sets of "The Croods" on DVD. We have 4 gifts for my aunt, none for my parents, and about 7 outfits for my 9 month old niece- all of which she's outgrown. Just in case you're feeling a bit superior over there, Kellerman, at least our house doesn't smell like bleach. Yet.

    1. Timing baby clothes is THE hardest gift giving category. If I buy one of the kids an outfit in advance, dollars to donuts, that matching, sweatsuit/flower headband combo is going to end up being too small. Can't win.

  4. I'm considering making my 4 yo son sign his letter to Santa in triplicate so I can whip it out Christmas morn as evidence...

  5. We always told the kids that only one present was from Santa, and the rest were from the family and friends. My son was easy. Never happier than when he got that first train at two. Daughter, on the other hand, was always the suspicious type. At age four, she wanted "a musical jewelry box with spinning teacups on top with dancing mice that pop out." She was testing to see if there really was a Santa, because "Santa's elves can make anything." I don't even remember what we told her that year when it didn't appear. ... Much bleach and rum your way. :)

    1. Sundance started getting pretty specific this year. Next year, I'm totally done for. Unfortunately, there was a Little Mermaid pup tent requested far too late, and may be making the rounds come birthday time. I'll take that rum and raise you some whiskey.

  6. This is so true! The only hope is that they forget everything by Christmas morning!

    Hilarious! Ellen

    1. There is the small hope that they both forget all new requests between now and Christmas morning, and they remember it as the best year ever. Or the rest of the street will wake to sobbing three-year-olds. Festive is our middle name.

  7. And this is the Santa conundrum. If we wait until the last minute to see Santa, they will ask or something they have never even mentioned not even once. If we see Santa early in the Christmas season, they will inevitably change their minds and not be excited when he brings exactly what they asked for. GAH!