Monday, December 30, 2013

New Year's Resolutions, I Have Them

2014 will be the year I make everyone in the world an un-categorized glazed pastry.

Morning Readers,

The very creative title of today's post is brought to you by sleep training the baby.

Sleep training, if they don't sleep, you don't sleep.

And now back to our regularly scheduled show.

How was everyone's holiday? It was a high octane Christmas around the Split level, complete with yours truly getting sick, right at the end of it all. But nothing says "party" like the acoustics of someone in their late, late, late twenties sounding like they're about to shove off this mortal coil, so let's throw some streamers around.

I hope each and every one of you got exactly what you asked for. A bookshelf, a toaster, a renewal subscription to Readers Digest so your bathroom time can go from mundane to an adventure, all good things. However, if you ended up with two Sham Wows and a ketchup packet, I have just the thing to fix you up. That's right, it's time to take a look at the resolutions I've made for the upcoming year.

 Resolutions For 2014*

1.) Instead of selling kids and buying new ones, work on being a better parent.

2.) Sell the Split level and buy a house that, preferably, isn't sinking into the ground.

3.)  Work out, at least once, or tell someone I worked out and listen to them laugh hysterically. Laughter's good for the soul, so I suppose that could be my one good deed for 2014.

4.) Go three or more days without flattening my side view mirrors, as I pull out of the garage.

5.) Run a marathon. Walk a marathon. Watch a marathon on TV. Turn channel to see what's featured on Monster Quest.

6.) Use ironing board for something other than a drying rack for clothes I'm too lazy to take to the dry cleaner. Consider loading it up with canned goods and other non-perishables.

7.) When yelling at people who live here, try to get person's name right on the first attempt. Everyone here is still trying to figure out who "Stephen" is.

8.) Do one truly good deed. (Note to self: This morning, I let the baby have the animal cracker shaped like a camel, when I really wanted the animal cracker shaped like a camel. Not that that counts. Nope, that totally counts. Feels nice to already be able to cross this off the list.)

9.) Stop wondering where Dora's parents are.

10.) Finish painting cabinets I started in 2013.

*As always, the author retains the right to not do any of these things because she wakes up one morning and decides they're stupid and she'll drink coffee instead.)

Until Next Year, Readers!