Wednesday, December 4, 2013

What the Aztecs, Mayans and the Whiskey Vendors Knew: Paige's Top Five Chess Tips

"My wife's at home blogging again. This Bearded Chess League of the Greater Midwest" is a lifesaver."
Afternoon Readers,

How are you? If you'd like to be better than what you answered (assuming you humored me and just shouted at your screen), go ahead and add this...

Any cider will do.
to this....
Only use this whiskey.
...and if the rest of 2013 doesn't knock your socks off, I wash my hands of any and all responsibility. Serve it up hot and thank me later. What?

Oh, you thought this was a post about chess. It is, I was simply trying to get my good deed for the day out of the way. The rhyming there was unintentional, but the drink recipe serves as a very important back drop for what Husband and I spent all our free time doing last weekend. It started here:

"We need something to do when we're old."

Husband looked me over. "I plan on dying first, so you need something to do when you're old."

"By that point, I'll play bingo, read, and take up smoking again. But that's not what I mean. I feel like we need a pastime to grow with us. Something people can sense, when we meet them in passing, and later, when they're lying in bed, it'll strike them and they'll silently whisper, "That's what it was. Those Kellerman people had class.""

The idea had been brewing in my head for a while, and, much to my satisfaction, after Husband shot down Bananagrams, he acquiesced to getting a chess set. After a two hour disappearance into a flee market, he brought it home.

"They're Mayans."

"They're Aztecs."

The debate was never settled, but Husband and I fired up the cider, whiskey, and makeshift scorecards, and got to work figuring out how to set the mysterious, little stone pieces up. After that, we lost track of time, games played, and a clear picture of what each other looked like. This is a subject which will require another post or two, but here's what I know so far....

Paige's Top Five Chess Tips So Far

1.) If you drink too much and there's no one else there besides your husband, it's not ok to say, "You're a lot better looking than the last person I played."

2.) Shouting, "Checkmate," doesn't entitle you to spike your queen off the dog.

3.) If you happen to lose a match, threatening divorce and offering to go get the other person more cider comes off confusing, and delays setting up the board for the next game. Try to be graceful. Keep your trap shut and only get yourself some cider.

4.) Don't stare at where you're going to make your next move. It's a tell. Instead, stare into the other person's soul and make them extremely uncomfortable. 

5.) "You won because I'm drunk." and "I won because you're drunk." can be used interchangeably. It also means neither one of you will be finding Bobby Fischer anytime soon. The fact you're even looking should clue both of you into the fact you've had too much cider. Mr. Fischer passed away in 2008, rest him. And you have to get up with the kids in six hours, so get it together.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. My parents have an ongoing solitaire battle. They have been keeping track of win/losses since the 1980s.

    1. Husband's adamant about keeping track of our games, from here on out. I'm currently ahead by two games, but it'll be interesting to see how things change in the next decade or so.

  2. I need to learn how to play chess.
    Apple cider and whiskey. My kind of night. :)

    1. I have to say it's been a blast learning how to play again, and the cider's really made the whole thing worth it.

  3. I don't play chess. But I will now be playing the "How Many Cider & Fireballs Make Me A Chess Expert" game. That sounds amazing. - Kelly

    1. There are very few games that are more amazing than that. Husband says Risk is awesome, but I'm just not buying it.

  4. My dad is an avid chess player. He plays all the time and reads books about it yadda yadda yadda. On the other hand my mom, who happens to be pretty good at it, hates it. In my family legend has it that when my mom got pregnant with me she agreed to play 200 games of chess with my dad if he would quit smoking. He did quite smoking. For good. But they only made it to about 30 something games. The moral of this story is that my mom can't be trusted.

    1. Well, you know what they say, Christian, it really only takes thirty games of chess to get nicotine out of your system. I read that in a flyer for Marlboro Castling Monthly. But there's still the possibility your mom can't be trusted.

  5. You are hilarious!!! That drink sounds delicious btw

    xoxo ~Shari

    1. Thank you! Now go mix up a batch and have the best weekend ever. No joke.

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