Monday, April 29, 2013

Top Ten Worst Gifts to Give at a Baby Shower

"Diapers? No, I thought this dog in a sweater would be a better gift."

Morning Readers,

How was everyone's weekend? I hauled the twins around in a little red wagon until I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

It was the longest three minutes of my life.

But enough about my fit and active lifestyle. Also worth mentioning is the baby shower I dragged Doc to on Saturday. One of my best friends in the entire world is expecting and is just silly enough to assume I won't steal her adorable newborn and raise it as my own, so she invites me to her social events. It was a fantastic time, even though Doc was standoffish as usual, prompting some to ask...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

How to Potty Train Twins: In 10 Easy Steps


Afternoon Readers,

What did I spend all last week doing? Let's jump right in...



1.) Go to the liquor store. Buy all the liquor.

2.) Resign yourself to the fact you won't be leaving your house for a week. It's ok. You bought all the liquor. Every night, you will be drunk and talking to the wall.

...Yes, I think it's adorable you think you won't. *smooshes your cheeks*

3.) Make sure you have twins. If you don't, please refrain from taking someone else's. The rest of this list isn't fun at all.

4.) Buy a small potty. Explain to the little potty it won't really enjoy its existance from here on out. Position potty in front of TV.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Fancy at the Grocery Store

"After this, let's go buy graham crackers. I don't want to feel like I put on a slip for nothing." 

Morning Readers,

Is it possible to drink so much coffee in twenty-four hours, you feel like you're being stabbed in the kidney?

Just curious.

Anywho, how was everyone's weekend? If you're like moi, you thought outside the box, showered, and got dressed. Trust me, it took a lot of planning and a couple listenings to some old motivational tapes, but, eventually, I ended up in a matching outfit, styled hair, and some makeup.

Ok. Fine. It wasn't my idea. I had to go to a fund raiser to hear this lovely lady talk, but after the entire thing was said and done, I decided to take advantage of the fact I looked like a real person and head to the grocery store.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Link Love

Afternoon Readers,

"I feel like I put on these fuzzy slippers and crawled up on this pedestal to tell you something. Oh, yeah! Guest posting!"

Today I'm over visiting my lovely friend, Wendy Nielson, talking about "Mom Hair" ...so get your riveted selves hence.

What's that?

Oh, well, if your in the market for some good reading after that, you could...

Check out my friend, Jill's book here.

Explore a craptastic yet hilarious day with my (in my opinion, saintly) friend, Grace, here.

Peruse two more fab Scary Mommy posts here and here.

Meanwhile, I'm heading back into the fray that is potty training ...more on that next week.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Order Up

"But you don't even know how to play chess."   ..."I realize that, but if I fake it, maybe my kids will stop asking for things."

Morning Readers,

You know what I love about spring in Kansas? Nothing. Because it's never coming. That's right, people. We're knocking on May's door, and it's still freezing, which means the children and I are in close quarters.

Staring at each other.

Ok, I'm going to back up and erase "staring." That word implies things are quiet and people are stationary. Not so. The fact is, the last seven months of winter have taught me that I'm not just a mother. Blindsided, I have also found restaurant-style employment. 

Excuse me, one of the guests has demanded her hands washed and dried. Hold please.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Time to Shear the Baby


"Nap times. Nap times are the worst."
Afternoon Readers,

I thought I'd take a brief timeout from trying to load Pez into dispensers, to fill you in on one of the weekend's exploits.

Oh, you don't fill your Pez dispensers on Monday?

...Tuesday?

The fact is, Doc's hair got out of control. Freakishly thick and curly, the mop on our seven-month-old's head had taken a turn from Chia Pet-cute, right into the land of mistaken identities.

Often, I'd be making breakfast, turn around, and be confused by the person sitting in the rolly seat behind me. "Albert Brooks?" I'd inquire.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Are They Dead Yet?

I love how my nightmares have been captured here in bold lines and soft pastels.

Afternoon Readers,

Well, the season's upon us. Sandal season? No, but you'll find those flip flops will come in really handy when the realization the spiders have woken up sinks in.

I'll give you a moment. 


I'm not sure what things are like in your neck of the woods, but around the Split-level, as soon as the warm weather hits, the hairy, eight-legged threat increases ten-fold. By the time summer's here, I spend most of my nights staring at the ceiling, praying that water spots now build webs, and calculating the time it will take to burrow under Husband and turn him into a human shield.

(For the purposes of this post, Husband loves being turned into a human shield.)

This year, we were ready. Victims no longer, the Kellermans set up an appointment with the exterminator, nice and early. I asked all the preliminary questions:

Monday, April 8, 2013

The Mysterious Goings-On of Mr. Salvador Perez


Morning Readers,

There's an old saying that goes, "If a Kellerman adopts an animal, there's a seventy-eight percent chance they'll misplace it."

I'm pretty sure I saw that etched on a wall somewhere.

At any rate, while I was cleaning our deck in the warm weather and contemplating whether patio furniture actually needs cushions or if guests don't mind sitting down and falling all the way through, I received a phone call from Husband, informing me he'd decided to decide on a cat before I decided we needed to decide together.

Excellent.

Friday, April 5, 2013

The Fine Art of Cinema Critique

"Mom says you'll watch a movie with me because you love answering questions so much."

Morning Readers,

We've made it to another Friday. Which is fantastic because I was sure I wouldn't live past Monday. Whatever unholy virus is spreading through the house managed to get Butch for 24 hours, and this morning, Sundance has been taken ill as well.

Although, she did find time to dress herself in cowboy boots, an inside-out dress, and pajama pants with castles on them, so we believe she'll pull through.

But light-up cowboy boots often aren't enough to lighten one's mood (the research on this is lengthy and unable to be printed for lack of time), so Sundance has chosen The Incredibles as this morning's viewing of choice.  And, while I watch it for the umpteenth time, I realize I've never shared the toddler movie critique experience.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Tragic Death of Zachery Ty Bryan II and What Happens Now

Not an actual picture of the deceased.

Afternoon Readers,

Today, I have a touch of some sort of evil virus, so I'm checking in to let you know that it hasn't killed me yet, and to also mention here that the apple cider I'm drinking is delicious.

Seriously, it's like sticking a straw straight into an apple.

Oh, and I need to keep you up to date with what's going on...

Monday, April 1, 2013

And Now, Why I Don't Open the Door...

"I'm not mad, just frustrated I got dressed to answer the door for someone selling mutton chop grooming kits."

Afternoon Readers,

In case you're wondering, yes, the amount of chocolate that's been eaten around here, within the last twenty-four hours is obscene. The twins have also eaten their fare share. But, reasons for my hands shaking aside, Easter for the Kellermans was fantastic and I hope yours was as well.

*Takes a brief timeout to decided whether she wants to make a chocolate bunny walk the plank into her coffee. Decides said bunny is all the way upstairs. Back to typing. Uses slight of hand to direct everyone from inward monologue back to outer monologue.*

Have I ever told you I'm terrified of answering the door? Admittedly, our neighborhood has a very low vampire rate, but trying to guess who's knocking on my house never fails to give me pause, mainly because it's usually: