Friday, January 3, 2014

I Think I Checked These Out Ten Years Ago

"Fishing, film, flamenco. There's nothing in here about faking your own death."
Afternoon Readers,

Times this week I said, "I think I'm dying." = 505

Times Husband actually believed me = 1 (And even then I only got a pat on the back and a, "Do you know where my shoes are?)

So, now that I'm back to my normal self, the massive task of getting the Split level ready for sale is staring back at me, simply begging for mundane tasks to be completed and all our worldly possessions thrown in the dumpster so we don't have to actually move them. As I've stated previously, all of our stuff has been broken by the children, but it doesn't change the fact there's a lot of it.

(I'm cringing at the thought of lugging two tubs comprised of fifty-percent mismatched building blocks, thirty-percent Gladware lids, and twenty-percent partially stuffed stuffed animals anywhere.)

One thing I've noticed about trying to get ready to move are the miniscule yet strange tasks I've come face to face with that need attention. For instance, I have a stack of library books I borrowed from my college library back in 2005.

Maybe I wanted to write that paper on Russian imperialism again after I had kids. Or maybe they got buried under an old, tie-dyed wall hanging of The Beatles. It's really not important. What is important is what I'm going to say in the note I send along with these very, very boring tomes. I've included a first draft of the Post-It going in the box because you guys are my only friends and I trust your opinion completely.

Kidding, I trust your opinion 99%.

Bet you thought I was going to say I have other friends. Nope, it's just something you're going to have to deal with.


January 1, 2014

Dear College Library,

This is Paige Kellerman, and I'm a former student of yours. Well, not of the library, but of the school proper. I'm sure people come into the library all the time, but it doesn't mean they actually go to the school. I'd imagine some people simply enjoy libraries on school campuses.

At any rate, I found these books stored in a Rubbermaid tub, carefully swathed in newspaper, bubble wrap and the gentle, considerate handling of a twenty-one-year-old. If any of the pages are ripped, it's because they're well loved, and not because the box fell down the stairs.

I do apologize these books haven't been available to students working on midterms about Russia. I'm sure the history professor enjoyed scratching that off the syllabus. Then again, the internet has grown by leaps and bounds over the last ten years, so maybe you can hollow these out and make books that look like books but are actually spare key holders for the janitor's closet.

(If you have your doubts, the hollowed-out book was voted "The Craft Everyone Needs" of 2007 by People Who Craft Occasionally Magazine.)

Oh, and if there are any fines, please add them to my student loans. You should get your money somewhere around 2052, when I die and my estate is settled.

P.S. If you're wondering where the biography of Dostoyevsky is, the kids ate it. That's right, someone had kids with me.


Paige Kellerman

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. Paige, you are writing about a life so similar to mine, only yours is humorous.

    1. Ha! Maybe they only sound funny because I look at everything in retrospect ...and after I've doused the situation in a beer or four.

  2. Love this. I also happen to be moving right now and though my kids are mostly grown now, I'm still having to figure out something to do with their toys and items they left behind for me to deal with after they moved away; so, I feel your pain. Oh, and I also used to be a librarian but not at a school. lol

    1. The toys, the toys, what to do with all those wonderful toys? Me thinks a lot of them will find their way into the trash can. I need to just wise up and buy them the empty boxes they're always raving about.

  3. When you add book replacement costs & overdue fines to the amount you owe on your student loans, they should hardly be noticeable!!

    1. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. *nods sadly*

  4. Yes, broken items multiply the amount of items - Oh, this table is broken into a leg, the top, and the corner. Now where to pack the 3 pieces. tsk tsk.
    I am trying to "clean" our "room" aka the UStoreIt facility. I received a bedding set that included CURTAINS! and refuse to hang said curtains until I have something that resembles a room that is not a storage unit. I am feeling your pain. Thus why I am reading posts. :D
    Good luck my friend!!

    1. No kidding. Things around here are only in tact for about the first five minutes after they arrive. Shortly after that, it's, "What do you meeeeeean that bed came with legs and a headboard?" Our bedroom is always the dropping spot for any container that hasn't yet been stored but can't be left out for the children to ransack. Perhaps our next house will have a closet that can hold more than two blankets and some toilet paper.

    2. I finally declared the master bedroom our vacation getaway from the kids and the chaos of the house. I took EVERYTHING out if the room except the furniture. I no longer use it as our laundry folding room or storage.

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