Thursday, January 23, 2014

Kickin' the Bottle

"Are we supposed to watch the little lush?" .... "Nah. Dad says mom can take care of herself."

Afternoon Readers,

If you tuned in today to read about how I quit drinking, you're probably new here, and it was an honest mistake.

No, don't feel bad. Everyone loves a story of redemption, new life and sobering up.

This is not that story.

Today's selection comes from deep within the recesses of my crappy parenting decisions, a place where angels fear to tread and socks never match. Long story mercifully short, Doc is seventeen months old and just now sleeps through the night. I can't tell you how hard it is having a defective baby.

Ok, it's totally my fault. Turns out, the twins sleeping through the night at three months was simply a boon from God not to kill myself from sleep deprivation. Though polite, the third child is a terrible sleeper, and the only way I've convinced him to crash is to give him a bottle every time he wakes up at night. Husband and I recently realized this had gotten out of control.

"So, did the baby get up last night?"

"Yep, but only thirty-five times."

"That's a lot."

"Yes, but he's still so little."

"I saw him cut up his own steak last night."

"Hmm."

"How do you know he needs to get up?"

"He says, "Momma, I'm very thirsty and would like a bottle of milk. Cold, but not too cold. And if you could just leave the night light on so I could flip through the latest Readers' Digest, that would be superb."

"He's out of control."

"Ok, I'll do something about it, but you have to tell him we're canceling his subscription."

*Hold on. The baby just bit me.....and he wonders why I complain about him on the internet.*

We made him go cold turkey. Three horrible nights of screaming, crying, and calling out for help ensued. Oh, and the baby was miserable too.The harshest part of trying to get a child into a routine is the three day stint it takes for a new age to dawn. Babies can stay in denial for extended period of time, just long enough to make your head spin around twice and make you wish you'd never agreed to that first date with your spouse.

As far as communication with your significant other goes, there's a very specific timeline a night of "crying it out" follows...

First hour of crying:

"We can do this. You can do this. We'll do this together and it'll strengthen the bond we have with each other."

Second hour of crying:

"Why won't he stop crying?"
"You're the one who told me to do this."

Third hour of crying:

"But why won't he stop crying?"
"Probably because I hate you."

Fourth hour of crying:

There's no talking because one of you killed the other one.

Gleaned from the above scenario is the small kernel of success Husband and I achieved by finally breaking the little badlet and getting him to sleep through the night.

That is to say, until 5:45 this morning.

So, now that I have my new wake up time, I'm grateful the baby has kicked the bottle, and I, most certainly, have not.

Until Next Time, Readers!