Thursday, January 23, 2014

Kickin' the Bottle

"Are we supposed to watch the little lush?" .... "Nah. Dad says mom can take care of herself."

Afternoon Readers,

If you tuned in today to read about how I quit drinking, you're probably new here, and it was an honest mistake.

No, don't feel bad. Everyone loves a story of redemption, new life and sobering up.

This is not that story.

Today's selection comes from deep within the recesses of my crappy parenting decisions, a place where angels fear to tread and socks never match. Long story mercifully short, Doc is seventeen months old and just now sleeps through the night. I can't tell you how hard it is having a defective baby.

Ok, it's totally my fault. Turns out, the twins sleeping through the night at three months was simply a boon from God not to kill myself from sleep deprivation. Though polite, the third child is a terrible sleeper, and the only way I've convinced him to crash is to give him a bottle every time he wakes up at night. Husband and I recently realized this had gotten out of control.

"So, did the baby get up last night?"

"Yep, but only thirty-five times."

"That's a lot."

"Yes, but he's still so little."

"I saw him cut up his own steak last night."


"How do you know he needs to get up?"

"He says, "Momma, I'm very thirsty and would like a bottle of milk. Cold, but not too cold. And if you could just leave the night light on so I could flip through the latest Readers' Digest, that would be superb."

"He's out of control."

"Ok, I'll do something about it, but you have to tell him we're canceling his subscription."

*Hold on. The baby just bit me.....and he wonders why I complain about him on the internet.*

We made him go cold turkey. Three horrible nights of screaming, crying, and calling out for help ensued. Oh, and the baby was miserable too.The harshest part of trying to get a child into a routine is the three day stint it takes for a new age to dawn. Babies can stay in denial for extended period of time, just long enough to make your head spin around twice and make you wish you'd never agreed to that first date with your spouse.

As far as communication with your significant other goes, there's a very specific timeline a night of "crying it out" follows...

First hour of crying:

"We can do this. You can do this. We'll do this together and it'll strengthen the bond we have with each other."

Second hour of crying:

"Why won't he stop crying?"
"You're the one who told me to do this."

Third hour of crying:

"But why won't he stop crying?"
"Probably because I hate you."

Fourth hour of crying:

There's no talking because one of you killed the other one.

Gleaned from the above scenario is the small kernel of success Husband and I achieved by finally breaking the little badlet and getting him to sleep through the night.

That is to say, until 5:45 this morning.

So, now that I have my new wake up time, I'm grateful the baby has kicked the bottle, and I, most certainly, have not.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. LOL. You have made a miserable story into a hilarious blog post. A lack of sleep can push a woman to the edge- and though I'm sure it was hard to cut the bottles off, think of all the sleep you'll get now! Cheers!

    1. We live on the edge over here. And by that, I really mean I almost put my head through a wall. BUT, we're making progress, and that's what counts. You know, if we survive it.

  2. Maybe if you put some of what was in your bottle into Doc's bottle, he would be a better sleeper!!

    1. I know! Why are things never that simple???

  3. Once again, Paige. I'm giving you a round of applause. First you escape the house sans you're sleeping through the night. What's next for you...a lottery win? Meanwhile I'm a zombie over here because K is up -- like clockwork -- at 1:30 a.m., 3:30 a.m., and 5:30 a.m...and up for the day at 6:45 a.m. It's glorious, I tell you. Glorious.

    1. If we win the lottery, I'm buying the best noise canceling headphones on the market and new bumper for the van. Things would get out of hand real quick. And I know how you feel. I'm just now jumping off the crazy train of getting up every two hours, and my head has finally stopped spinning all the way around. Stay strong! ...and drink gin.

    2. Oh, you just took me back with the mention of gin: Back in my career days -- when I used to wear a suit and heels everyday, Tanqueray and tonic with a few slices of fresh lime used to be my jam!

  4. Again, I needed to pee before I read one of your posts.
    When our third child was that age, I figured I would have to give her bottles all through high school. And change her diapers there, too.
    Great stuff, great stuff.

    1. Ha! I was pretty worried too. I'd already made plans to move close to the college of his choice, so I'd be there when he needed me.

  5. You are hilarious and I remember those late hours so well when the baby is still crying and your fighting it out with your husband because that's the best thing to do when there's a baby crying.

    1. There's really no better option. At a few points, I had to move to the couch, because smothering your husband with a pillow is frowned upon in all fifty states.

  6. Oh this makes me so excited about having a newborn soon. Not.

  7. You're gonna do great, Colleen! But I guess I should start making that gift basket of assorted beers for you now.