Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Top Five Things Non-Cat People Should Know Before Getting A Cat

"Have my profile painted, I said. It'll be relaxing, I said. Stupid Pinterest."
(photo credit by Warrior Princess Di)

Afternoon Readers,

We need to talk about Salvador Perez. Yes, I'm well aware I just gave a fish eulogy about five seconds ago, and ninety-percent of the time, this is a blog about people, but the animals around this place are driving me crazy.

The fish poplulation is back to zero.
The dog has no respect for me.
The cat is a mental case.

(It's Wednesday, so by this point in the week, I'm also sure I've failed the children in about three thousand different ways. But let's stay on target.)

Don't get me wrong, I really like the cat, I simply have no perspective, having never owned a cat before. Is he insane? Has he always been insane? Have there been studies done which focus on the correlation between people buying a cat and subsequently developing a hardcore drug addiction?

I'm not sure if any of you are thinking about buying your first cat, but if you're on the fence, I'd like to donate my research.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Friend Retrieval Society

"All right girls, if everyone's picked the head covering of their choice, let's hit the town."

Morning Readers,

I don't get the chance to catch Husband off guard very often, but when the opportunity does finally arise, I usually surprise him with something completely mundane.

"I'm going to get coffee with friends on Saturday."

A look of confusion jogged across Husband's face. "I don't get it."

"Don't get what?"

"Friends. Where are you really going?"

"I have friends."

"You have me and people you talk to on the internet. So I ask you again, where are you going?"

I crossed my arms. "They're college friends. I went there once, before I lost my vigor for life and enthusiasm for putting outfits together."

"I thought you sat in the library for four years and studied."

"That's the story I told you."

I guess I couldn't really blame my beloved for being confused. The social scene and I parted ways many years ago, and spending time with people who could actually see how long it's been since I had my roots dyed had all but gone the way of the Dodo. Therefore, when the invitation to coffee had floated in, I wasn't really in a position to decline. The important part was going, not convincing Husband I wasn't crazy. Or, at least, to what degree.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Life and Death of Blewie

"And if you're smart, you'll duck when you see the Kellermans headed your way too."

Morning Readers,

We're gathered here today to bow our heads, take a moment of silence, and listen to me say...

I told you so.

At roughly 10am yesterday, central standard time, in my haste to clean up Koolaid stains from the day before, a certain fish bowl was bumped into. Not feeling too terribly bad about it, but not wanting to be rude, I tapped the glass to say 'hi' to my newest charge. In response, his rigid body did two and a half somersaults and stayed completely vertical in the bowl for the next twenty minutes.

Like any other person who has special gifts when it comes to animals, I confirmed my suspicions by again shaking the bowl and watching the fish topple over like a tiny, blue bowling pin.

The tuna had sung his last dirge.

Text to Husband: I think the fish just bit the dust.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Because I'm Not a Tax Man: Part Deux

"Ok, everyone. If we put our noses to the grindstone, the Kellerman taxes could be done by July."

Afternoon Readers,

I'd like to start today by sending out my deepest apology for using this Valentine card in my last post. While hilarious, it may have caused some of you nightmares and an even stronger aversion to watching Face/Off ever again.

Per my last entry about this, I'd decided to have someone undertake the task of sorting through last year's financial documents, 1099s, and whether I could write off canned goods I let the baby use as stacking toys before I opened them for dinner.

Then I changed my mind.

"It's ok, I'll just do them myself."
Husband nodded. "If you think you have it under control, go for it."
"I never said I had anything under control. Wish me luck."

2 Days Later...

"It keeps asking me why I'm stupid and don't know the answers to any of the questions."
"I see. Should the kids and I leave again?"
"Oh, no reason. Personal safety. Stuff like that."
"Listen, I married you so you could keep me from making stupid decisions. And look what's happening. How do we owe taxes in all fifty states and a penalty in Antartica?"
"Maybe you should call someone."
"Fine, but if you bought a polar bear and didn't mention it, I'm gonna kill you."

4 Days Later...

Friday, February 14, 2014

Some Last Minute Thoughts

"This entire thing is filled with nougat. Because I care."
Afternoon Readers,

Just popping in today to send my love, but to also gently let you all down. Unfortunately, I ate all the chocolate I was going to send to each and every one of your homes.

My apologies. Self control is a special project of mine slated for 2015.

And now I'm off to coral the children, who ate all their candy at 7am and are now making marker masterpieces all over the coffee table.


Of course that's not all. In case you still need a card to print out for your love, I've scoured the internet for three of them you can use in a pinch. You're welcome.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I Can't Drive, But They Let Me On TV Anyway

Afternoon Readers,

Me and my stale donut here to tell you about this morning's events. If I was an organized person, he would've been the fresh pastry I took along with me to the TV station this morning, but I'm not organized, so here we are.

Once again, the local morning show here in KC let me come and visit, but I made sure to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, barking orders at people, and trying not to singe my eyebrows off with the curling iron.

Makeup not done? Check.
Pull over and apply makeup in an Ihop parking lot instead? Re-check.
Not dressed in designated outfit? Check.
Get dressed in bathroom at TV station, thereby exuding professionalism? Re-check.
Park van in spot that can be easily exited?

Nope. Not even close.

(In a few carefully chosen words, I'm just going to simplify what happened. -Don't pull into a snow drift.)

Despite the rough start, I made it to my destination on time, and the show, as they say, went on. So, if you'd like to check out me, some pajamas, and the eyebrows I didn't singe off, you can check out that ridiculousness here. 

And if you're wondering how a mother with absolutely no upper body strength gets her car out of a snow drift so she can drive home in her pajamas, the answer is she recruits her blogging friends to push the old Honda out, while she looks confused and incapable. A big thank you to Stacey and Sherry for friendship and the rental of their upper body strength.

And now, I'm off to finish this donut before it starts tasting like paper.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, February 10, 2014

And The Count Goes Up

Morning Readers,

And in today's headline... "More snow falls over weekend. Crazed woman resolves to dig to freedom using teaspoon."

Moving on.

Things around the Split level are feeling a little cramped lately. This ever-present reality is exacerbated by the fact children grow every day and it's too cold to let them go live in the backyard for a while. But we Kellermans are problem solvers. When space is limited and claustriphobia begins to set in, we do the only thing we can do. Add more residents.

Nope, it's not another baby, but you guys will be the first know. Like I always say, news of any import is shared with the internet, family and friends. In that order.

Let's take a quick tally of Split level tenants:

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Twenty Four More Weeks of Winter

Snowy the Snow Owl saw his shadow, which means you're not making it out alive.

Afternoon Readers,

I'm reporting live from the Split level, where there's snow for miles and sanity is just a fun idea we like to talk about.

It's winter everywhere, but there's something about winter in Kansas that, when the sparkly sheen of the first dusting wears off, makes one realize she could be snowed in forever, and ever and ever. The kids aren't laughing at my jokes anymore. I'm not laughing at them tripping me with cookie sheets anymore. It just got real up in here.

And we're all out of actual cookie dough.

Hmm? You didn't tune in today for a dose of raw, unfiltered, unfettered, untreated, rough-hewn, redundant dose of sheer desperation? No fear, there's a chart.

You're not in Kansas, but that's ok. I've pulled together a quick 5-Day weather reference so you can accurately gauge what those chilly temps mean to the average iced-in parent:

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Finding the Joy in Motherhood When The Joy Takes a Vacation

Morning Readers,

This weekend, I received a disturbing memo. It read thusly:

Dear Paige,

I've decided to take the weekend off. Possibly the whole next week off. Then again, you're familiar with how calling into work one day can turn into a reassessment of whether one should be employed at all. I might not come back. Might start a band. I hope you'll get along ok without me.


The Joy of Motherhood