Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Top Five Things Non-Cat People Should Know Before Getting A Cat

"Have my profile painted, I said. It'll be relaxing, I said. Stupid Pinterest."
(photo credit by Warrior Princess Di)

Afternoon Readers,

We need to talk about Salvador Perez. Yes, I'm well aware I just gave a fish eulogy about five seconds ago, and ninety-percent of the time, this is a blog about people, but the animals around this place are driving me crazy.

The fish poplulation is back to zero.
The dog has no respect for me.
The cat is a mental case.

(It's Wednesday, so by this point in the week, I'm also sure I've failed the children in about three thousand different ways. But let's stay on target.)

Don't get me wrong, I really like the cat, I simply have no perspective, having never owned a cat before. Is he insane? Has he always been insane? Have there been studies done which focus on the correlation between people buying a cat and subsequently developing a hardcore drug addiction?

I'm not sure if any of you are thinking about buying your first cat, but if you're on the fence, I'd like to donate my research.

The Top Five Things Non-Cat People Should Know Before Getting A Cat

1.) They're possessed

Crying in the middle of the night? Yeah, they do that. 3am around here is like a scene from every horror movie ever with a creepy baby weeping in the dark. You can't see those babies, but you can see our cat, and I'm this close to throwing holy water blindly down the basement steps.

2.) They get into the trash

You know what I found the cat doing the other day? Eating a bagel. 

"What are you doing?" I asked.


"Didn't I just throw that in the trashcan?"


"Well, carry on. Try not to get cream cheese on the carpet."

3.) They cause marital problems

"Why is the cat crying at the door again?"

"Because you insisted he live here."

"No one told me they make so much noise."

"He's telling you now. I'm also telling you, the next time the urge crops up to stop at the shelter and start adopting left and right, keep on driving. Cat's got more issues than Kathy Bates from... what was that movie?"

"Delores Claiborne?"
"No, unless the cat's the iceberg."

4.) They hang off your window screens

This is fairly self-explanatory. Except, it kind of isn't and I'm a little more disturbed every time it happens.

5.) They sit in your fresh laundry 

Excited you have fresh underwear to put on? Don't be. Unless you like your Fruit of the Looms warmed in the dryer then warmed by cat butt that was also digging around for squirrels under the front porch. 

Like I said before, Sal has found a place in my heart, it's just that he freaks me out sometimes. On the bright side though, he does crawl on my shoulders like a giant, midnight-colored parrot, making  me feel like a sea captain. I like that. I just don't like the underwear thing.

Until Next Time, Readers!