Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Top Five Things Non-Cat People Should Know Before Getting A Cat

"Have my profile painted, I said. It'll be relaxing, I said. Stupid Pinterest."
(photo credit by Warrior Princess Di)

Afternoon Readers,

We need to talk about Salvador Perez. Yes, I'm well aware I just gave a fish eulogy about five seconds ago, and ninety-percent of the time, this is a blog about people, but the animals around this place are driving me crazy.

The fish poplulation is back to zero.
The dog has no respect for me.
The cat is a mental case.

(It's Wednesday, so by this point in the week, I'm also sure I've failed the children in about three thousand different ways. But let's stay on target.)

Don't get me wrong, I really like the cat, I simply have no perspective, having never owned a cat before. Is he insane? Has he always been insane? Have there been studies done which focus on the correlation between people buying a cat and subsequently developing a hardcore drug addiction?

I'm not sure if any of you are thinking about buying your first cat, but if you're on the fence, I'd like to donate my research.

The Top Five Things Non-Cat People Should Know Before Getting A Cat

1.) They're possessed

Crying in the middle of the night? Yeah, they do that. 3am around here is like a scene from every horror movie ever with a creepy baby weeping in the dark. You can't see those babies, but you can see our cat, and I'm this close to throwing holy water blindly down the basement steps.

2.) They get into the trash

You know what I found the cat doing the other day? Eating a bagel. 

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Silence.

"Didn't I just throw that in the trashcan?"

Ignoring.

"Well, carry on. Try not to get cream cheese on the carpet."

3.) They cause marital problems

"Why is the cat crying at the door again?"

"Because you insisted he live here."

"No one told me they make so much noise."

"He's telling you now. I'm also telling you, the next time the urge crops up to stop at the shelter and start adopting left and right, keep on driving. Cat's got more issues than Kathy Bates from... what was that movie?"

"Misery?"
"No."
"Delores Claiborne?"
"No."
"Titanic?"
"No, unless the cat's the iceberg."

4.) They hang off your window screens

This is fairly self-explanatory. Except, it kind of isn't and I'm a little more disturbed every time it happens.

5.) They sit in your fresh laundry 

Excited you have fresh underwear to put on? Don't be. Unless you like your Fruit of the Looms warmed in the dryer then warmed by cat butt that was also digging around for squirrels under the front porch. 

Like I said before, Sal has found a place in my heart, it's just that he freaks me out sometimes. On the bright side though, he does crawl on my shoulders like a giant, midnight-colored parrot, making  me feel like a sea captain. I like that. I just don't like the underwear thing.

Until Next Time, Readers!

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22 comments:

  1. Oh, dear God, Paige. No, no, and NO. There is a no cats policy here at Casa Conover. Scott always waxes poetic about his beloved childhood cat, "Midnight," and it took me a while, but I now see that this was Phase I of him trying to coerce me into saying yes to a cat now...Well, no dice. All of the items on your list are reason enough for me to give two thumbs down, but items #4 and 5...Oh hells no. Quick story. We had just moved into our house, and Scott was not here -- it was late at night. Pitch black out. I was already jumping over Every. Little. Sound. When I hear a BABY crying on the front porch. A freakin' baby! There was no doubt that someone had left a baby on our front porch instead of dropping him/her off at a hospital or fire station!

    So I called the police. I am crying at this point. It is a chilly fall night, and I am worried about the baby...yet afraid to open the door, as I was wondering if this was a set up, or something: Did someone steak out our home, know I was home alone, and trying to get me to open the door? I know it sounds crazy, but I didn't know what to think amid the chaos of a BABY crying on the front porch!!!

    The police arrive.

    It's not a baby...

    But a f&%king CAT IN HEAT.

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    1. I would've been terrified. You hear me? Terrified. Because you're thinking, "I should go help this poor baby on my porch. But wait, what's a baby doing on my porch? It's so late. Is this a horror movie? Am I a terrible person, or is there someone waiting to kill me in the dark? Ahhhh!!!!!!!"

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  2. Girl, you are so damn funny!! This is great, I cracked up. In my book? Cats are evil. The end. lol

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    1. I still would've identify myself as a cat, dog or animal person, and yet, I have a full-scale menagerie happening over here. How this came to be, I'm still pondering.

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  3. I love my cat but sometimes he can be insane! The laundry thing is annoying, everything has to be folded and put away before it cools from coming out of the dryer. But, right now, I would do anything to be able to afford the pet deposit so that I could have my little gray baby sit next to me as I type this. But I cannot, so he lives with my parents. And drives them insane.

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    1. I really do like the cat, but the laundry thing is driving me a little insane. Cat butt on everything is more than I can take some days. I know he's just trying to warm everything up though, so I let him stay.

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  4. Every thing you wrote about Sal is universally true about cats. But, when you are at the lowest point in life (which seems to be at your house), a cat will jump on your life and purr like crazy.

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    1. He has his moments for sure. I wasn't kidding about the shoulder thing. I love feeling like the captain of some sort of ship of rag tag pirates.

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  5. At our height of insanity, we had four cats. We took very good care of those cats, and they all lived long, happy lives. Now we have no cats. And it will remain that way forever. The end.

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    1. I'm sensing some wisdom in this statement. When the kids are grown, there's a very strong chance Husband won't be able to talk me into anymore animals. Maybe a pug though. I love pugs with all my heart.

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  6. When I had a horse I had barn cats. They were awesome at bringing carcasses to the front door to show me love and their superior prowess. So I don't really want outdoor cats. Then my folks moved and made my last barn cat into a housecat. He was not amused and showed it regularly. Scooping poop was a good reason to not want indoor cats. Now, I have an allergic hubby, and am glad I can tell the children that Daddy is why we can't have cats.
    Phase 2 - the daughter who LUVS kitties, says she can get a cat and leave it in her room and then Daddy just doesn't go in there. Um, no. Then she says, with the biggest Bambi eyes evah, "well at least in Heaven Daddy won't be allergic and we can have a cat then" Break, My. Heart. But no, no cat here. We have a 65# dog who will curl up on your lap, snuggle, go any and every where with you, and kill chipmunks in the backyard. lol

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    1. Sal is a indoor/outdoor cat. He kind of has his apartment in the garage and another condo under the porch for the summer. It's worked out pretty well, except for the digging in the trash thing. Did you know cat's eat bagels? Because I didn't.

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  7. Gloriously pet free here....

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    1. Today, I envy you. I just found another trash bag turned into a pile of ribbons.

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  8. 1. Okay, our new kitten sits on my shoulder like a parrot. I've had cats before and never heard tell of such a thing.
    2. Also, I have caught this cat eating lettuce out of my salad bowl.
    3. Erin's cat is on Haldol.

    Leaving it at three. :) Ellen

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  9. LOL that pic is my cat... You edited it a bit though. :)

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    1. I don't see any attribution given for use of my image; could you kindly have this updated?

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