Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Blogging in the Time of Crashes

"I swear I only hit Control, Alt, Delete. I swear it."

Morning Readers,

They say good friends are hard to find, but I disagree. One of my best friends was purchased at a Best Buy with little to no looking, and we've been bound by the cosmic tide of one-sided love and the internet ever since.

It was a relationship built on me telling him what to do and him asking whether I mean't to save my file as "#!*2grilledcheese" or if I'd fallen asleep on the keyboard again.

I typed the blogs, he published them.

I input the three pictures I've remembered to take of the kids over the last four years. He saved them in an order I didn't understand.

I cried when the internet was down. He told me he needed to reboot but would come back in a five, ten, or one hour time frame of my choice.

But on march eleventh, he didn't reboot. He died. My reaction was what you'd expect, quick and spastic.

"I'll just press this button."
"Wait, why'd everything stop running?"
"Hold on. Nope, I see it. I'm just gonna hit this tab that doesn't look familiar."
"Aaaand, I have no computer."

In a blind panic, I ran around throwing shoes on children and stuffing dogs into jackets, then taking the jackets off the animals and putting them back on the children. "Hurry, kids. Your mother has no life, and if we can't deliver the laptop to someone who knows what they're doing, she might be alone with her thoughts long enough to realize how sad the whole thing is.

Normally, dragging all of my offspring into a store where everything is breakable sounds about as much fun as trying on swimsuits in front of a crowded airport terminal, but desperation is ugly and I hadn't checked what Amazon's deal of the day was yet.

Daintily, I prostrated myself on the floor. "Please help me. He was so young, and I promise I didn't mean to kill him."

The computer people looked at me with pity and then with something like fear when they saw Sundance start poking a monitor that looked more expensive than our house. "We can fix it."

The words were glorious, sending me into such elation, I paid extra to have the broken crayon removed from the disk drive and then rushed the children out before they could topple Dells like a horrific game of dominos.

Today, my friend returns and I could't be happier. Things are looking up, The dog is slowly forgiving me for trying to put a jacket on him, and we may spend the rest of the day uploading pictures into files I won't remember. Life is good.

Until Next Time, Readers!