Thursday, March 6, 2014

Jail Bird

"We're looking to bust Johnny out, but Ricky won't come because he says he's too used to life on the inside."

Morning Readers,

Well, yesterday was the first day of Lent, and, like the sage person I am, I gave up yelling at my children for the next forty days.

In other news, we're going to pretend that Lent actually starts today because, after the last twenty-four hours, I'm surprised I have a voice left. This is why they don't leave the making of the church calendar to me.

Here's what Jesus and I saw at 1:00pm yesterday....

*Slam* "Momma?"



"Why are you out of your crib?"


Side note to Jesus: I swear, Lord, I really tried, but the fact that nap time had been shot down in it's early stages and wasn't to be resumed for an untold amount of time, was a little much on top of the twins punching each other in the face.

Chubby leg over chubby leg, Doc made the statement not to fence him in, and pulled an official Shawshank to freedom. Truth be told, I stood there and watched him do it after the fact, and if he doesn't become some sort of toddler body builder, I'll be stunned. I won't help him with that weird self-tanning thing, but I'll be stunned.

"So you're not going to stay in there?"


"You sure?"


"Priorities. We need to sort them out."

After that, I did what any woman looking for backup would do, and consulted you fine people on Facebook.

"Lower the mattress."
"Lock the door!"
"Put up a baby gate."
"Duct tape!"
"Put him back in bed, and if he walks out again, pretend you don't know him and move to Dubuque."

Ok, I may have added that last one myself, but I'd just like to say how much your suggestions made me love you guys even more than I already do. Which is a lot. A scary lot. More than I should be letting on right now.

Moving on.

I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how this evening would go down, until I discovered the mattress, which had previously been thought to have been lowered as far as it could go, still had a few notches left. Joy! Elation! I'd break out the screw driver and do it myself and watch the kids at the same time! Genius.

Now, traditionally, Husband has always asked my help when he's lowered any of the cribs, but I laughed arrogantly as I undid all the screws and lowered that mattress.

The roaring was happening because I was woman.
The baby couldn't get out now.
The baby got out.

But all wasn't lost. In my final hour of sanity, looking towards a night full of toddlers running down hallways, inspiration struck.

Husband looked at me. "Just let it go. Don't fight it."
"I will not." I whispered.

And with that, I took out the bottom of the bed and stacked the twin's old mattresses inside. It was a little unorthodox, perfectly secure, and most of all, when Doc went to throw his chubby foot over the side, he just. couldn't. make it.

Mom- 3 Toddler - 0

For now.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. Awesome!! Mommy innovation at its best.

    1. Sometimes inspiration strikes in the most desperate of times. So, so desperate.

  2. Replies
    1. I wouldn't jump straight to genius. But I can tie my shoes while repeating instructions to the kids over and over. So there's that.

  3. That is BRILLIANT! My 18 month old is as well a toddler body builder, and I imagine any day now she'll become an escapee. I am taking this advice to heart and will apply it as soon as the first escape attempt succeeds. Thank you in advance.

    1. I'm right there in the trenches with you. This is just a band aid. I know my days are numbered. Sigh. But if you come up with something that works for you, I demand you tell me right away. Toddlers can't outwit a whole group us. Can they? Probably.

  4. Ha! You show 'em, Mama. Hell, I'll turn into MacGyver if it means finding a way to keep the kids in bed and naps on track. Hell hath no furry like a Mama whose kids don't nap. Grrrr.

    1. The day the twins decided not to nap I wanted to weep for ever and ever. If you would've told me a day would come where they sat and watched a movie for quiet time, I never would've believed you. And yet, they give me hope for this small, sneaky one.

  5. Yay, go Mom!!! We need all the points on our side we can get.

    1. No joke! I bet Maddie's your constant companion by now. Or are you immune to her cuteness when nap time comes around? Cutest kid ever.

  6. My boy embraced his toddler bed and has always been a rule follower. My escapee, er, daughter, escaped the crib and had an evil laugh when I tried to put her back. Mind you I had collapsed, er, succumbed to co-sleeping with her in a daybed before trying to move her to the crib. Thus, we lowered the crib, took off the side, and she had a little day bed. Then I said screw this, and just let her sleep in the daybed. Choose your battles wisely, as once they move out of the crib, there's no moving back.