Monday, March 10, 2014

What the Coroner Said

"That Kellerman woman is back in the news, Watson. She's killed again. I feel London will be impossible to perk up after this."

Morning Readers,

They it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

But I'm not sure.

The emotion of this weekend is still raw and unfettered.

And you know what's even worse? I probably have to sacrifice thirty minutes of a perfectly good Saturday to go looking for a replacement bra. Possibly fifteen. Probably just grab the first marked down five dollar bandeau that turns out to be a headband and I have to start all over again.

He meant that much to me.

That's right, everyone, my only grownup bra died a tragic though not sudden death on Saturday, and the implications of this event are far reaching and consequential. Not to the floor far reaching, but catastrophic nonetheless. It was practically something right out of CSI: Kansas.

Coroner's Report: 

Victim was found lying in the far corner of the laundry basket and was unresponsive. When owner went to rouse victim, she claims victim was covered in more lint than usual, but other than that, it's color was the same washed-out black it had always been.

Police report states the owner shouted, "Not my only good bra!" over and over while slapping it back and forth.

Owner states she picked victim up and dangled him by what she presumed to be his left strap. It was at this point, owner realized the strap had been severed irreparably from the victim's body. This is consistent with the fraying observed, as the victim looks like he was literally "sucked" into the dryer and beaten until his limbs fell off.

Police report states the owner gesticulated wildly and stated. "He was only seven years old." Victim looks to be roughly fifteen years old, but this is mainly due to excessive stretching in the cup and band area, suggestive of too many nights of sleep and no other bras.

Cause of death seems fairly obvious due to all physical evidence. Police report confirms this hunch with further statements taken from owner:

"He was the only bra I wore when I had somewhere fancy to go. Like funerals or grocery shopping."

"Most of the time I wear sport's bras, but the poor thing was always there for me, even with his lazy left hook and eye."

"It's like ten dollars can't even get you a bra that'll last for thirty years anymore."

Cause of death: Excessive wear and laziness on part of the owner.

Make a flyer. Tell a friend. 2014 is now officially the year of the sports bra. 

Until Next Time, Readers!