Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Ten Reasons You Know It's Time To See Your Hair Stylist

"When I use my crazy face, people don't realize I'm completely bald in the back."

Afternoon Readers,

Last night, I realized I haven't been in the hair salon for a year. Quickly, I calculated...

"If January comes after November, and this is a leap year, tabulating the square root of the Fourth of July on a Sunday and the Spring Equinox eclipsing the Event Horizon, then that means-"

*Takes off glasses dramatically*

"Sweet Hanna Andersson in a plaid raincoat."

On one hand, the implications of this particular fact threatened to crush me with the harsh reality I've become a shut-in.

On the other, I saw a picture of an alpaca the other day and couldn't, for the life of me, figure out who it reminded me of. Mystery solved. This Columbo of the stay-at-home-mom set shall sleep a sweet, unhindered sleep.

But how could a year have gone by? True, forgetting to call your gynecologist for a year is easy to do, but the Keeper of the Locks? I should've seen the signs.

Ten Reasons You Know It's Time To See Your Hair Stylist

1.) There's paint in your hair from re-doing the cabinets in 2013.

2.) Small children point and say, "Why does Rapunzal look sick?," and then climb your hair with suckers in their hands.

3.) You're 75% sure there's a small animal living under your schoolmarm bun. And when when that squirrel pops out, you're gonna give him a piece of your mind. (Not to mention, the whole situation means he's been piggy-backing off your John Frieda Sheer Blonde Crystal Clear hairspray. That stuff is expensive. All the cards need to be out on the table. Also, why would a squirrel need extra hold?)

4.) Top search term in your Google history? "People who think Chewbacca is the most beautiful of all fictional characters in movies, TV, fan fiction, and screen print tees."

Maybe she's born with it...

5.) You have a Pinterest board called "Long hair don't care. Or maybe it cares a little bit and I cry myself to sleep at night. Wait, did I make this board public? Sorry for how uncomfortable you feel right now."

(This board is sandwiched between one called "Inspirational thoughts about self-loathing" and "Cookies!")

6.) You're not sure where your split-ends start and the feral cat you picked up off the street begin.

7.) Butt crack hair that should have its own special on National Geographic

8.) Everyone asks you if you got your hair cut. But they do it ironically while handing you the business card of their stylist or gardener.

9.) All the email in your inbox begins, "Dear Mr. Don King."

10.) You can't read this blog through your hair. Go get it cut. I'll get mine cut too. And then we'll laugh and laugh about how you thought the blog would be funny once you could see the screen, but it's not as funny as you anticipated. Go call, I'll wait here.

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. My hair is longer than it's been in years, so I just started curling it and pretending it's as glorious as yours is. Shut up about your hair being gross, because I've seen your luscious locks on the TV.

  2. I think it looked awesome in your tv links, in fact, it inspired me to grow mine longer!!!

  3. You need to evict that squirrel, because I plan on curling up in your hair and taking a nap in June and I don't play well with others.

  4. My hair hasn't been this long since I was in 6th grade. Of course, now I don't have the time to dedicate two hours a day to blow-drying and styling a la Farrah Fawcett, so days (maybe weeks) go by before it is tended to properly. It has it's own eco-system.

  5. The Chewy "maybe she's born with it?" line...classic. At first look I thought that was the back of your head, until I saw the eyes and remembered, you don't really have eyes back there, you just tell your kids you do. lol!! You are glamour locks no matter what!

  6. Okay, Paige. You have outdone yourself (yet again.) I was particularly touched by 3, 5, and 10, and, in a way, feel like you were talking about me! (Hey, wait a minute here...WERE YOU??? lol)

    The timing of your post is uncanny, as Scott and I attended an NFL Alumni event last night, and, subsequently, were among an array of players whose wives were there with there $300+ haircuts -- and even pricier die-jobs. Seeing as though I trim my own hair in between diaper changes with a pair of $20 sheers I bought from Sally's, I felt woefully out of place.

    This post was like the death knell. Or wake up call.

    I have got to do something.