Sunday, May 4, 2014

A Quick Gift Guide and May Caption Contest

Your Caption Here

Morning Readers,

Just in case the candy companies haven't sounded the alarm yet, I'd be remiss in not mentioning this weekend's most prestigious holiday.

I love it because I'm a mother.
Or so they tell me.
No, I'm sure of it. Otherwise, it wouldn't be, "Momma, I want jello." "Momma, I used the sprayer to wash the kitchen floor." "Momma, stop pretending to sleep and feed us breakfast. We see you breathing. I'll slap her in the face to make sure she's awake."

But, seeing as the Three Amigos are still pretty tiny, I don't expect much special treatment at this stage of life. That's why I'll let you guys in on my special Mother's Day gift guide:

Me: By the way, you ordered me shoes for Mother's Day. They'll be here on Wednesday.
Husband: You're welcome.
Me: Thank you. I just knew you'd think I'd like them, and that you would've ordered it if you'd seen it before I did.
Husband: Because I love you.

So remember, Readers, you too can order your own Mother's Day gifts and let the giver know they bought something they weren't aware of. (Or, you can ask them for an ebook copy of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles, because it's only .99 cents until Mother's Day....:)


And now, this month's caption contest!

What's in it for you?

Nothing. Kidding. Wait, will you take nothing? I didn't think so because you're like me. OK, every month's winner gets a free paperback copy of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles, and I'll even write out, in ink, the fact you're a caption champion, on the inside.

I really wanted to give away a pony or ten thousand dollars every month, but we have a mortgage and the cars are always near death. You know how it is.


1.) Be awesome. But since you're here, I think we can check that off the list.

2.) Comment with as many captions as you like but try to keep it PG. This does not stand for "poached goats."

3.) Captions can be dialogue, commentary, headlines or whatever made you snort when you thought about it.

4.) No ripping on other people's captions. We love each other here. Hug a friend. Don't tear apart their carefully crafted imaginary headline, etc.

Oh my gosh, rules are exhausting. That was four whole sentences. Ok, get to it. This month's winner announced on May 28th!

Until Next Time, Readers!


  1. Let's crank this baby up to 11, Martha!
    Herb, it's on 14 now, turn up your hearing aid, dagnabbit!

  2. I swear, Earl, if you say "Tune in, Tokyo" one more time I'll give you the Vulcan death grip.

  3. "Bernice, let's get you to the hospital - your heartbeat sounds like Bob Hope!"

  4. I've got nothin' in the way of the caption contest, because, well, thank you for deeming me awesome because I'm here...but the truth is, I suck at these types of contests. (I'm not too proud to admit where my limitations lie...)

    But one thing I do excel at, however, is buying my own gifts "from Scott." He usually buys my gifts well in advance, which prevents me from showing off my prowess in this area. But, man, I bought me -- er, I bought me "from him" -- the best pair of Nike TR2s this past Christmas!

  5. "And if I turn it up *this* much, I can't hear her at all!"

  6. She vowed to herself that if he played "call me maybe" one more time she'd leave him for good.

  7. And Ethel swore up and down if George bought one more "toy" for himself, she was gonna lose her frackin' mind....

  8. Little did Frank know that with one ill fated turn of that knob he would be setting in motion Irma's plan for world domination.

  9. Mother's day gift to myself purchased: my ebook copy of "At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles." I had them too and can't wait to see your take on the impending event (and cankles, etc.).

  10. Him: "I bought you this here doo-dad for mothers day!! Aren't you as excited as I am?"
    Her: *thinking* I should've told him he bought me SHOES! Someday..