Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Do's and Don'ts of Date Night After Marriage

It was a marriage held together by freshly-pressed ascots and tightly-clasped brooches.

Morning Readers,

I'm still recovering from the weekend, so, seeing as it's Wednesday, I should be ready to get back into the swing of things somewhere around...

Wait, is Augustober an actual date?

*Segue alert*

Speaking of dates, Husband is a great one. But you can't have him. Mainly because we're married and also because I need someone to manage my weirdness and propensity to laugh at people who fall up the stairs. (Which is all well and good if they're your friend, but you never really know if a stranger will get offended and chase you with a half-full Chipotle bag, shouting, "Everyone always laughs at me.)

We needed to get out of the Split level. Things had gotten to the point where my beloved and I hadn't done anything remotely fun in so long, we both started growling at each other for no reason.

Date Night Tip #705: If the date night you've chosen is an actual growling contest, disregard, previous paragraph and resume emotionally-connected awkwardness.

There are so many who've been married longer than us, but I'm finding the five year mark to be one where a regular night on the town reduces the need to to slap one's spouse in the face with a frozen pizza.

Because we don't get out much, the do's and don't of date night get a little fuzzy, but this is pretty much what I sketched out this weekend....

The Do's and Don'ts of Date Night After Marriage

Do: Let your spouse pay like a gentleman.
Don't: Shout, "Let me see the check so I know how many boxes of Hamburger Helper to buy next month."

Do: Go check out the new movie theatre in town.
Don't: Have no idea where you're going, wander past the empty ticket taker booth and really think long and hard about whether you should see the new X-Men for free.

(And if you're reading this, I've thought about it, and maybe we could've just plead short term memory loss and sworn we thought we were at an Olive Garden, looking for someone to fill our endless pasta bowls.)

Do: Hold hands.
Don't: Hold someone else's hand. 

Do: Find a restaurant that's a purveyor of quality food, bocci ball, and bowling.
Don't: Spend massive amounts of time watching the drama of another table unfold before your very eyes. Or do. There's something about watching an over-handsy, drunk kid trying to put the moves on a man's daughter, right in front of him, that makes for a compelling evening.

Did that kid live? The world may never know.

Do: Wander into a sushi resturant.
Don't: Sit at the bar, admit you're too full to actually eat there, buy two beers out of guilt, and gladly accept two, free crab rolls because the manager thinks you're both really weird for admitting you've never even had sushi before. Arigato.

Do: Decide to cap off the evening by getting coffee.
Don't: Go into a coffee shop that hasn't been open for more than three days that's literally filled with drunk people.

Where's the line to order? Where's the line to pay? If I order the "Turtle," is it made with real turtles? I only ask because I respect authenticity. Where's the bathroom? Yes, my husband only ordered black coffee because someone has to make sure I make it back to where I live.

Because I take care of his kids.
And also because he doesn't like milk in it.
Yes, I'll accept your two, free chocolates because you forgot to make my order.
I bid you adieu. And you. And you and you and - Wait, there's only one of you?

Do: Go home with your date.
Don't: Go home with someone else's date. 

Do: Get up with the kids the next day.
Don't: Throw leftover prime rib sandwich at your spouse who's still sleeping. Eat that and go find a frozen pizza you don't need.

Until Next Time, Readers!