Thursday, June 26, 2014

How To Get Carded In Five Easy Steps

"Card me? How bout I just give you this bracelet made of Tic Tacs and we'll call it even?"

Afternoon Readers,

You're tuning in today right in the middle of me making bets with myself for how long it'll take one of the kids to wander in the back door, leave it wide open, and subsequently add fifty dollars to the electric bi-

Yep, I owe myself a beer.

All three of the children play outside now, and at its core, this is a good thing. Unfortunately, they really only do this in five minute increments, before someone has a bloody nose, the baby's trying to stick an old barbeque implement in the air conditioner, or half an easel that's been living in our foliage gets dragged into the kitchen.

Oh, you didn't know childhood's made of fairy dust, moonbeams, and broken pieces of wood?

Well, you do now. And that's probably why this blog was just rated "350,000,000 Most educational on the Internet.

The summer days are great but a wee bit taxing. More daylight hours means more people awake for more hours. This also means more trips to the liquor store for me. It's like taking a summer vacation every day at 8pm. Usually these trips go swimmingly, but I did run into a minor snag the other day.

How To Get Carded In Five Easy Steps

Step 1.) Choose something classy

"Hi liquor store man. I have perused, and, based on what's in my account, have dragged this gallon of wine up behind me."

"Ahh, yes. The three dollar bottle with a screw off top? A fine choice, mam."

"I thought so. It has a picture of a fox, and I was told once the more animals on the label, the finer the vintage."

"I don't think that's accurate at all."

Step 2.) Wear Converse sneakers, ripped jeans, a college t-shirt, and put your hair in an infantile ponytail.

"How old are you?"


"You sure?"

"No. Wait, unless you're talking about how old I feel. Then, seventy-five. Carry the two ...yeah, since I had kids, it's definitely seventy-five."

"You have kids?"

"It's hard to believe, but yes."

3.) Make up a lame story.

"Can I see your license?"

"But I never get carded anymore. Feels good."

"Can I see it?"

"You could if I had it."

"You don't have it?"

"I left it in my other purse. Just got back from Baltimore and needed it for the airplane. Not to fly it. So they'd let me on. Listen, can you just give me the wine?"

4.) Recruit a random stranger.

"I believe her."

"Thanks, guy standing behind me."

5.) The roll of the dice.

I don't want to incriminate anyone here, but I ended up getting what I came for. After much debate and verifying I should actually have some sort of frequent shopper card from how much I pop in, I dragged my vat of cheaply stomped grapes out behind me. It really could've gone either way, but I was just sad enough to pull it off and not have to drive all the way home to get documentation.

Because I would've.

Or maybe I could've sent the random guy who believed in me.

Ok, I have to go shut the door again.

Until Next Time, Readers!