Tuesday, June 10, 2014

While the Editor's Away, the Spam Will Play

Let me get my big, monkey arms around ya.
Afternoon Readers,

Again, I start the week on a Tuesday. This really has to stop because I keep wanting to put out the trash on Saturday, and we're running out of places to store all our empty frozen pizza boxes.

No matter, the weekend at Blog U was a success and one of the most fun three days I've ever spent in my entire life. I'm not saying you should start saving up to go next year, but that's actually exactly what I'm saying, so go talk to your bank about a special, secret account you can start now.

(Possibly a savings, but I know nothing about what yields the best interest, and the proof I'm not financially savvy was sealed when I bought three stocks from a Swedish company based in Iowa.)

My travels took me all the way to Baltimore, and besides gaining a ton of knowledge, not having to get out of bed to take kids to the bathroom, and eating meals no one stuck their hands in -that I know about,but it's cool- I realized three more important facts:

1.) The good people at Crabs and More Since 1944 are trying to get you drunk.
2.) Airport bathrooms vary wildly in levels of hygiene.
3.) You will not sleep if you share a room with Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures. She will make you laugh until 3am, be unable to fall asleep, and creep her eyes above the covers the next day and whisper, "I watched the sun come up," like the kid from The Sixth Sense.

But just because I was out of town, doesn't mean there wasn't work waiting for me when I got back. Because this blog is wildly popular in countries you've never heard of, there was loads of spam to reply to. Best get it out of the way. Professionalism and all that.

Anonymous #1 writes,

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Thank you so much for writing! When I set out to educate anyone, I always make sure it's terrible. Also...
Anonymous #2 writes,

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Dear Anonymous,

It's pointless to write anything at all, unless you know everyone will agree with it. Thank you for noticing and please enjoy your extremely difficult writing career.

Anonymous #3 writes,

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If this is the same Anonymous from my cousin's wedding, let me apologize again. I usually knock before kicking open a bathroom stall. (Also, don't wish to tell me I'm awesome, just go for it.)

Anonymous #4 writes,

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I'm sorry to hear it. I was recently called "terribly educational," so I'm not sure where the disconnect is.

Anonymous #5 writes,

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Dear Anonymous,

I'm always extremely enthusiastic of my own composing. Watch this. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, everyone, I have to go stop the baby from pouring orange juice in the Chex Mix bag.

Until Next Time, Readers!