Friday, July 25, 2014

Drugstore Cowboys: A Math Lesson

"Well, howdy there, Ma'am. Looks like you forgot to buy hamburger again. Can I offer you some moonshine?"

Afternoon Readers,

First off, I need to start by congratulating Cindy Alfino on winning the Blog Hop Giveaway! Just shoot me your info at, and I'll send a copy of Cankles your way.

Now then, I don't really want to brag on a Friday, but did you know I go grocery shopping at least five times a week?

(Anyone who had "low" on a high/low gambling option concerning my food procuring habits, my deepest apologies. Football season is right around the corner. You can make your money back then.)

To some people, five to seven times a week in the grocery store probably seems excessive, but when you have kids, packing them up and heading out to do anything that doesn't involve sitting around and watching them punch each other sounds downright delightful. Not to mention, this equation...

Things needed at grocery store x Bringing a child to the grocery store = Forgetting most important ingredient to make dinner.

The math gets even stickier when then number of children is multiplied:

List of groceries x three kids + instances you're asked to go by the bakery for a cookie = Forgetting toilet paper and having to use paper towels for the next day.

Lately, I've been bumped up to the calculus of grocery store math:

Pounds of hamburger needed to make casserole/Times the kids ask to ride the mechanical pony x Finding your credit card in a hobo bag - Being able to find frequent shopper card = I only bought gum because I was too busy yelling at kids to climb off the mechanical horse.

Divide all that by the square root of "Please don't snap its tail off by sheer force.", and what you have, my friends, is seven trips a week to the grocery store, very few groceries, and twenty-five rides on an animal that's not real.

In case you're still with me, the kids have found the Lone Ranger's Horse's plasticine cousin, and attacking the poor thing when we get to the checkout counter is all the rage right now. The store officially made pony rides "free," which means that has become priority one for all Kellerman kids. And I say "free" because, although it doesn't cost actual money, it does take the following currency:

-Trying to look the other way when the twins are trying to ride it at the same time and I'm too far away paying to yell.

-Pretending not to notice while they pick the horse's nose.

-Pretending not to notice when they poke the horse in the butt.

-Pretending they might not be my kids when they stake their claim to the horse and try to kick the other kids off it.

-Taking responsibility and apologizing to the other families in line by explaining that we're the type of family who eats frozen pizza three times a week and just don't know any better.

-Making sure the baby gets to ride, even though other kids are waiting.

-Dealing with the baby's wrath the one time I didn't let him ride.

-Taking the baby back by himself so he can ride and I can buy the toilet paper, hamburger, and dish soap I forgot.

-Grabbing the baby midair when he yells, "Yee Haaaaw!" and throws himself off backwards.

Ok, so what have we learned today, class?

Things needed at the grocery store x (3)kids I'm taking with me x number of pony rides + a substantial amount of coffee = I have to go get the kids ready for the grocery store because I just realized I forgot to buy milk yesterday.

Until Next Time, Readers!

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