Friday, July 11, 2014

How to Not Swear Around Kids

"I'm patient as hell. Damn it."

Morning Readers,

This is the second day in a row I've forgotten to buy coffee.

Part of me doesn't want to be on the Earth anymore, and the other part is too lazy to go drive anywhere until noon.

Paige Kellerman: Creating vicious cycles in her life since 1984.

The lack of caffeine is making the tedium here a little harder to work through. Spackling walls. Breaking up fights. This summer's starting to feel like I'm interning as a bouncer at a club that's open all day, and all the patrons are addicted to pop ice.

"Can I have another?"
"That's your thirty-fifth one today."
"Just one more. I need it."
"Get the hell outta here!"

Ok, I try not to tell them to get the hell out of here, but it's so hard. Now that they're getting a little bigger and running in three different directions, my patience is ...how shall we say? Non-existent.

(The funny part of it is I used to brag about how I was such a patient person. "Why yes, I consider myself a ridiculously patient. I wait quietly in lines. I never yell. Swearing is at a minimum. And most people don't want to punch me in the face, even though I'm really good seeming disinterested when conflict stares me in the face.")

The dirty secret is most of us think we're patient, until we have kids.

Ok, some of you still are, but I've found I'm actually not patient at all. I try. We all do. But the fact of the matter is it's almost impossible not to cuss after you have kids. So, after much research, here are the things that help me...

How Not To Swear Around Kids

1. Don't be around children at all.

2. If you ignored number one, the key here is to pinpoint where your kids are going to be during the day and then go hide.

3. Ok, they f***ing found you hiding in the hall closet. The good news is you found the old Garfield umbrella that's been missing. Wrap it around your face and yell into it. Now go eat some lasagna.

4. Make lunch when everyone's playing outside.

5. The good news is everyone stayed outside for two minutes. Three people have now stuck their damn hands in the peanut butter. Instead of yelling, "This sh*t's getting ridiculous. Who are you people?", try stuffing a spatula's worth of peanut butter in your own mouth.

6. Look for the milk. You're choking on the f***ing peanut butter.

7. Make a swear jar.

8. All right, who broke the old as sh*t swear jar? So many tiny, f***ing pieces.

9. Hit yourself in the mouth with the broom bristles.

10. Hug your kids. Give them a pop ice. You'll f***ing try again tomorrow.

Until Next Time, Readers!

 ***

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25 comments:

  1. Hilarious and so f***ing true. I never said the f word until kids came into the picture, now I sometimes just think we should name the next one that to make it seem more normal. Too much? Maybe, but still, it's rough some days. And what is this "pop ice" you speak of? It sounds like it needs to make an appearance in this home...

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    1. Haha.. ok, I should've clarified. "Pop ice" is what you probably call Flavor ice. Just the cheap, flavored, frozen popsicle in the plastic tubes. We grew up calling them that, so I forgot that the rest of the world probably doesn't. I buy them by the case. That is our summer entertainment. I really don't think you can ever have enough. 100 count case? Yes please.

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  2. Those little f***ers are always getting into something... No, don't pour out Mommy's wine to use the bottle for your worms. Get back here you little a**hole....LOL!

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    1. Yes! They're always coming up with a plan to dump out a container of something brand new so they can put dirt and sh*t in it. Sigh.

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  3. I was hiding while reading this, and THEY FOUND ME! And now they're yelling in my ears, "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING???"

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    1. Pleeeeeese tell me you at least found your umbrella.....LOL

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  4. What the heck is pop ice?

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  5. Pop Ice are those little popscicles that you have to bite the end off of to eat. Tastes like frozen kool-aid.We call them cool-pops around here. They come in a box of like 100 for 2-3 bucks but kids will eat the whole box in one day of you let them.

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    1. Tricia, your explanation is way better than mine. It's good to know those things have different names depending on where you are. And heck yes they'll eat the entire thing in one day. I didn't think it was possible, until I saw it with my own eyes. It's the most magical two dollars you can spend.

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    2. Otter Pops in San Diego

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  6. This made me so happy while I read it. My personal favorite hiding spot is the bathroom. I sit on a little bench on the floor and try to ignore the sounds of destruction from outside. Sure, the house might look like a tornado hit it when I come out, but for a good ten minutes I didn't have to hear anyone whine. Mommy f***ing wins.

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    1. The bathroom is a favorite of mine. Except, our door doesn't lock in there, so I'm usually holding it closed with my foot while I weep softly to myself for five minutes. Next house, a locking bathroom.

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  7. If you MUST swear, be sure to speak clearly & make sure your children can spell the words. My son once wrote the "f word" on the bathroom mirror, except he put an "e" on the end. F**ke. It looked like Shakespeare was swearing!!

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    1. If we work on anything around here, it's our flippin' grammar.

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  8. I'm always muttering 'FFS' and 'stop pissing about' comes out a little louder than expected. I was hiding from my child... seven hours ago. He's been in bed four. Why didn't I stop hiding? Oh yeah, the house is a shit tip. So I'm hiding from house work. The internet is an evil time stealer. But at least I know, now, I'm not the only one swearing and hiding.

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    1. I always think I'm cussing in my head, but then it always dawns on me too late that I've said in out loud, with the windows open, so the neighbors can hear it.

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  9. So awesome. Luckily I've been pretty good about swearing around our little f***er, which is amazing since I swear like a sailor who moonlights as a truck driver, with hemorrhoids and herpes.

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    1. Hahahaha... I think that accurately describes my swearing every Monday through Sunday.

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  10. Love it. I think I need to stick to Rule No. 1 of your manifesto. And I can't help but make the connection between your increased risk of profanity and your lack of coffee. I think you need to recaffeinate ASAP.

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    1. After a lot of research, I find your hypothesis to be 100% accurate, my friend.

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  11. What a funny, funny person you are. I am a Grandmother and discovered the plastic pops when my 2 grandsons were small and would come over and spend the weekends. As a Grandma, I really didn't care if they ate the whole box in one day!!! Only - - I kept finding the plastic wrappers all over the place....all week...in fact all the time!! Still miss those days.

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  12. Hilarious. I've never been much of a swearer, the only thing that drives me to do it is my children. And stepping on all of the things.

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  13. My mother and her friends used to feed us pop ice out of the kitchen window. We stayed out of their hair so they could enjoy their coffee in peace.

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