Thursday, September 25, 2014

Crossing the Finish Line

"If you buy our house, it comes with a really fun hat."

Afternoon Readers,

I'm not sure if you've ever read the Shirley Jackson story, The Haunting of Hill House, but, in short, it's about a woman who basically has a nervous breakdown because a house falls in love with her, traps her forever, and convinces her what she'd really like to spend her time doing is wondering up and down the halls, in her nightgown, twirling like an idiot.

So that's basically how things are going around here.

(Ok, she also ends up dying, but it hasn't gotten to that point. Yet.)

Times I've gotten dressed in the last eight weeks: 2
Times I've gone out and done anything fun with adults: 0
Times I've stayed up wondering if we'll sell the house: 523
Times I've touched up paint, scrubbed floors, staged furniture, had carpets cleaned, scrubbed sinks, hung furniture, cried myself to sleep, and cut down a very small tree: 7358

Yes, most of the time a nervous breakdown sneaks up on a person, but I feel lucky because I can fully prepare for the one barreling down the tracks of my sanity. Should give me time to rend my garments in a manor I'm accustomed to.

If you've never sold a house, don't. If you're looking for a an exciting change of pace, try base jumping.

Coming in at just under a year, the Kellermans are finally ready to put the Split level on the market. Things are done. Pictures are being taken on Sunday. I might drink until I don't remember who anyone is, out of pure elation.  And don't you worry, as soon as we find a buyer, I think a visual tour for you guys is the least I can do for listening to me complain for a full 365 days. (I wanted to buy you each a pair of designer boots, but, budgetary concerns.)

And now, we wait.

Who will be brave enough to buy all the history we've made here?
Who will be ok we used the back deck for a bohemian art studio?
Who will look at the sink in the bathroom and think, "Hmm, seashell-shaped. I've always wanted one of those."?

Oh, brave soul, who art thee?

And, whoever you are, please come with pre-approved financing. If we have to back out of a deal last minute, I may just turn the deck back into a studio, change my name to River, and crochet socks for gerbils until I go completely insane. 

So, the moral of the story here is good things hopefully come to those who've used approximately
twenty-five paint brushes and most of their presence of mind. I just have keep the house clean every hour of the day from here on out. Simple enough. Read more accurately as: Not simple at all.

And while we're on the subject, have any of you considered moving to Kansas? It's lovely and only has one crazy lady wondering around in a nightgown ....that I know of.

Until Next Time, Readers!


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  1. Would you consider knitting socks for dogs instead of hamsters? I'm just thinking the market is bigger. ;)
    The obvious thing is to move now. To a tent. In another state. That way the house is always "show ready" for any impromptu visits. I hear keeping a basket near each room that has a cover is handy to throw all the junk in when a realtor calls. I have not sold a house before, so it truly is just what I hear. We bought our house to live in for "maybe 5 years" - it was 2000.
    I'm not in denial. I'm in-sane. :D

    1. It's not denial, Jolie. It's plain genius. We're never selling, ever, ever, ever again. I've got laundry baskets at the ready, just waiting to be filled with crap and thrown in the van. I'll have to check back in and let you know how that works out. *Hides in laundry basket forever*

  2. Dear River,

    I've been in your shoes, though I preferred painting to crocheting. There's still a long road ahead what with the showings and keeping the place clean for said showings, but you can do it. You WILL do it. The split level will sell and then you can drink yourself stupid and take pictures. That's what you were planning to photograph, right?!

    Much luck xo

    1. Dear When Crazy Meets Exhaustion,

      Why does it feel like I've been entered in an Iron Man competition that seems to have no finish line or free waters or .....wait, is there a participation medal?

  3. YAYYYYYY, good for you, the hard part is done! I mean, except for shopping for a new house, packing, moving and fixing up your new house. **sends booze**

    1. Robyn, it is now your solemn duty to move out here, keep me company, and pour that booze every time we have a showing. Run and tell the children to pack.

  4. Good luck! We are going on week three of trying to sell ours. It's exhausting. I'll meet you for a drink somewhere in the middle of Kansas and Nebraska when it's all over.

    1. Oh my gosh, Kathy, this is the longest process ever. Can we please meet on the border and make a pact never to do this ever again?

  5. The thing is, if it comes with a free hat, I just really want it. Let me go talk to my husband.