Friday, November 21, 2014

Big News!
Not an actual picture of me on the cover.

Morning Readers,

Besides the obvious hilarity of sneezing hedgehogs, the funny thing I've discovered about life is that you can be casually going about your business, day after day, and, when you least expect it... wham!

(Not the actual band.)

More like awesome days jump out of nowhere. You know, unexpectedly awesome parties, meeting a new friend who thinks you're funny and not awkward, finding out there are three more chocolate cookies in the package when you swore you ate them all in the dark at midnight and then finding twenty dollars next to the now empty box.

It's the good days that make you clap your hands and say, "I can't button my pants from college, but this life thing is pretty, darn good. I still really wish I could snap those St. John's Bays though."

First off, I'm going to shove this out there tentatively, but... we sold the Split level.

We did.

Believe  it. 

I wouldn't lie to you. I love you.

Where are we going? Not sure, but the house hunting process has been bundled in my brain, slated for a book being released in 2017, and will be called, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Don't dig through other people's trashcans, children."

More on that later. We need to talk about the even bigger news today. You may have noticed the gorgeous book cover at the top of this post.That's right, yours truly, along with a hand full of the funniest parents on Twitter is in a new book. My brain's still trying to process how I ended up with such esteemed company, but how I faked my way in doesn't matter now.

What does matter:

The book is released today!
This book is hilarious.
This book is the perfect gift for people who love to laugh.
Looks great on coffee tables, in bathrooms, on night stands, and prominently displayed on counters next to decorative fruit.
Makes the GO-TO present for this holiday season.

Twitter can seem like a terrifying place. So much going on. Why only 140 characters?

But, here's the thing, there's a TON of funny on Twitter, you just need fabulous editors to gather it all together and put all the jokes and one-liners in one place. It's finally been done, and now you don't have to ford the river of social media to get to the other side.

(Is she going to speak in pioneer metephors the entire time?)


You guys know I love exploiting myself via the written word, but did you know I love doing it next to hilarious people like...


Just think about it, with one, fell swoop, you could order thirty of these babies and be done with your holiday shopping. Nothing says, "I care." like something funny for the bathroom. It's not a sneezing hedgehog, but this book is super close and has something for everyone.

(Also, did I mention that one of my jokes is illustrated in here? That's right, illustrated. It's a little trite to say I can't even right now, but the fact is I can't even.)

So, more on the house hunting adventures later, but, for now, go grab a book I am so very proud of and share a book with a friend... or thirty-five. 

Whatever sounds good to you.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Like what you read here? Buy the book!
And now that I've awkwardly made you my friend, come hang out with me on:

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

How We Set the Mood

"Those giant sleeves just send me, June. Take this pretzel as a sign of my love."

Morning Readers,

It's been a long time since I let a week go by without checking in here. When I have to take a leave of absence from the blog, it usually means one of two things:

A.) I found a jar of Nutella and had to clear my calendar.
B.) Big things are happening.

*A possible "C" would be my entire family going on vacation without me. Thereby clearing the way for seven consecutive days of sleep. But, it's best not to speak in fairy tales. It raises the heart rate unnecessarily.

For those of you who don't speak in veiled references ninety-nine percent of the time, what I'm getting at are some exciting things happening at the Split level. First off, we may have an offer. May. As in, please-let-us-be-able-to-sell-this-house-and-move-before-the-iron-fist-of-winter-descends-upon-us-all-in-Jesus-name-amen.

All this girl wants is some new digs for Christmas ...and some egg nog. Because no matter how stressful the situation, I'm straight up festive.

The second thing that's had my attention is big. I mean bigger than my pants in the 90s big. I can't say a whole lot about it, but I'm beyond excited to tell you guys all the minute details of a project so awesome, it almost makes me feel like jogging up and down the block.


I've been sworn to secrecy, but, in the next two weeks or so, let's just say the holiday shopping season is going to be the bee's knees.

Now then, you may not believe it, but even with all the craziness going on around our humble abode, Husband and I have managed to carve out a little time alone. After we received the good house news, I was the first to kick off celebration time with a more expensive brand of hot dog, drop the kids into some pajamas, and, when all was quiet, breathe a sigh of relief next to my beloved on the couch.

"This really might happen."

Husband smiled and grabbed the iPad, previously broken in the great child fist fight of 2014 and now resurrected miraculously. "I know. It's awesome. What kind of music do you want to listen to?"

I shook my head. "I really don't care. The quiet is a sweet music in itself. Although, I've heard it's always a good time for Ace of Base. You know what we really need?"


"A romantic playlist. Don't people do that? I hear they do. One time, on the Discovery Chanel, I saw a study on how when your average male plays something, anything really, by Maroon 5, his chances improve by a full two percent. Fascinating stuff."

Husband nodded and started scrolling through lists of music. "I have just the thing."

Tapping my toes on the laminate in anticipation, I couldn't help thinking tonight would be the night we'd get to first base without the kids waking up.

"Got it." He tapped on the screen. "Should set the mood I think."

I craned my neck. "That's the World of Warcraft soundtrack."

"Yeah, it's great. I'm telling you. I listened to it while I was mowing the yard and the orchestral arrangements are amazing."

"But it's a computer game. An online sensation, but still." My eyes scanned the list. "Taverns, elves, this is something about a forest. I guess that's ok, but I really don't think "forest" works as a decent euphemism anywhere when you're making a romantic playlist."

"Just give it a listen and tell me what you think."

*Fifteen minutes later*

"That's actually really good. Seriously, it transports you to a simpler yet enchanting place. The arrangements are truly on point."


"Totally. I'm gonna make some tea. I really wish we hadn't put the chess board in storage."

That's right. Husband and my actual age is the ripe old figure of eighty.

What's that? More advice on romance?

Line forms to the left, everyone.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Like what you read here? Buy the book!
And now that I've awkwardly made you my friend, come hang out with me on: